From Bondage to Bonding: Escaping Codependency, Embracing Biblical Love

Rating:
Summary: Good book on identifying and dealing with codependency
Review: At first, I had been a bit skeptical about "From Bondage To Bonding." A cursory glance through it revealed what I thought to be too much psychobabble and not enough Scriptural foundation, so I set it aside and forgot about it. Recently, however, I had to read it for a seminary counseling class. After completing the book, I realized that even though I had some issues with it, I was somewhat harsh in my initial judgment. Although I found it to be a bit denser and more "psychiatric" than other Christian books in the genre, "Bondage to Bonding" contained a necessary message. The main theme was relational transformation based on recovery from codependency. The author defines codependency as "a self-focused way of life in which a person, blind to his or her true self, continually reacts to others, being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy (pg. 162)." Codependency is the bondage that holds us back from genuine, loving relationship with God and others. One of the book's major benefits is it's identification of numerous codependent behaviors, such as denial, controlling others, and self-sufficiency. The author provides a number of examples of codependent behavior from her own life and the lives of others she has counseled. I found the author's honesty about her own issues to be refreshing, and her victories to be encouraging. The study questions at the end of each chapter were especially helpful in determining my own codependent issues and how they originated.

An interesting facet of "Bondage to Bonding" was its incorporation of the Twelve-Step methodology for dealing with addiction. The author left it in its basic form, but modified it somewhat by adding specifically Christian references. She also created a relational framework that sums up the journey into codependence, and from there to healthy relationships. The negative side of the framework illustrates the downward path one takes toward bondage, or autonomy. Autonomy is the low point - one is living a self-sufficient life where an attempt is made to generate self-acceptance, forgiveness, and empowerment apart from God, resulting in spiritual rebellion, a distorted view of self, and problems with intimacy. The positive side of the framework demonstrates the upward path of recovery toward a state of bonding, or mutual interdependence. This ideal stage is where one can give and receive love and forgiveness without demanding approval or conformity to expectations in return, resulting in spiritual vitality, a balanced view of self, and genuine intimacy. The entire framework represents the stages that are traveled in order to reach either bondage or bonding (hence the book's title). The author is careful to note that the positive path is not a "once-for-all" journey but actually a "repetitive and cyclical" pattern that must be traveled constantly. This is an important point that cannot be stressed enough in our immediate-gratification based society.

"From Bondage to Bonding" has some parallels with the book "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb, most notably when "Bondage to Bonding" identifies the sin of self-protection and the need to love God, self, and others more. The relational framework in "Bondage to Bonding" also bears some resemblance to Crabb's ideas that pain and deep emotions must be allowed to surface and be experienced, and that one must genuinely repent and turn from relational sins. In addition, the aspect of seeking and giving forgiveness when appropriate is also stressed in order to right relational wrongs and find freedom from bitterness. These are the points that I found to be the most beneficial. However, "Bondage to Bonding" tends to focus more on behavioral change that is generated by the individual and less on spiritual change wrought by God. The author does include a relationship with God as an important necessity, but I would have liked more of a focus on the power of God to work foundational changes in one's life.

The main issue I had with "Bondage to Bonding" is its focus on the "victim" mentality, undoubtedly influenced by the incorporation of the Twelve-Step program. I believe that this perspective can be a double-edged sword. Yes, we are a hurting race, and I can say from my own life that there is much pain to deal with and changes to be made. Also, the demonstrated results of Twelve-Step programs cannot be denied, especially in the lives of people devastated by addiction and victimization. But I believe that as a Christian, I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), and therefore I am no longer identified as a victim regardless of what has been done to me. My ultimate hope is in Christ and His promises as revealed in Scripture. Therefore, I am not dealing from a position of my own weakness, but instead I can rely on God's strength. It is He who ultimately changes hearts, and I am glad that "Bondage to Bonding" includes a love relationship with God as a necessity. If this is kept in mind, then I can recommend "From Bondage to Bonding" as an aid to dealing with codependency.

Rating:
Summary: Absolutely essential reading for recovering codependents
Review: At first, I had been a bit skeptical about "From Bondage To Bonding." A cursory glance through it revealed what I thought to be too much psychobabble and not enough Scriptural foundation, so I set it aside and forgot about it. Recently, however, I had to read it for a seminary counseling class. After completing the book, I realized that even though I had some issues with it, I was somewhat harsh in my initial judgment. Although I found it to be a bit denser and more "psychiatric" than other Christian books in the genre, "Bondage to Bonding" contained a necessary message. The main theme was relational transformation based on recovery from codependency. The author defines codependency as "a self-focused way of life in which a person, blind to his or her true self, continually reacts to others, being controlled by and seeking to control their behavior, attitudes, and/or opinions, resulting in spiritual sterility, loss of authenticity, and absence of intimacy (pg. 162)." Codependency is the bondage that holds us back from genuine, loving relationship with God and others. One of the book's major benefits is it's identification of numerous codependent behaviors, such as denial, controlling others, and self-sufficiency. The author provides a number of examples of codependent behavior from her own life and the lives of others she has counseled. I found the author's honesty about her own issues to be refreshing, and her victories to be encouraging. The study questions at the end of each chapter were especially helpful in determining my own codependent issues and how they originated.

An interesting facet of "Bondage to Bonding" was its incorporation of the Twelve-Step methodology for dealing with addiction. The author left it in its basic form, but modified it somewhat by adding specifically Christian references. She also created a relational framework that sums up the journey into codependence, and from there to healthy relationships. The negative side of the framework illustrates the downward path one takes toward bondage, or autonomy. Autonomy is the low point - one is living a self-sufficient life where an attempt is made to generate self-acceptance, forgiveness, and empowerment apart from God, resulting in spiritual rebellion, a distorted view of self, and problems with intimacy. The positive side of the framework demonstrates the upward path of recovery toward a state of bonding, or mutual interdependence. This ideal stage is where one can give and receive love and forgiveness without demanding approval or conformity to expectations in return, resulting in spiritual vitality, a balanced view of self, and genuine intimacy. The entire framework represents the stages that are traveled in order to reach either bondage or bonding (hence the book's title). The author is careful to note that the positive path is not a "once-for-all" journey but actually a "repetitive and cyclical" pattern that must be traveled constantly. This is an important point that cannot be stressed enough in our immediate-gratification based society.

"From Bondage to Bonding" has some parallels with the book "Inside Out" by Larry Crabb, most notably when "Bondage to Bonding" identifies the sin of self-protection and the need to love God, self, and others more. The relational framework in "Bondage to Bonding" also bears some resemblance to Crabb's ideas that pain and deep emotions must be allowed to surface and be experienced, and that one must genuinely repent and turn from relational sins. In addition, the aspect of seeking and giving forgiveness when appropriate is also stressed in order to right relational wrongs and find freedom from bitterness. These are the points that I found to be the most beneficial. However, "Bondage to Bonding" tends to focus more on behavioral change that is generated by the individual and less on spiritual change wrought by God. The author does include a relationship with God as an important necessity, but I would have liked more of a focus on the power of God to work foundational changes in one's life.

The main issue I had with "Bondage to Bonding" is its focus on the "victim" mentality, undoubtedly influenced by the incorporation of the Twelve-Step program. I believe that this perspective can be a double-edged sword. Yes, we are a hurting race, and I can say from my own life that there is much pain to deal with and changes to be made. Also, the demonstrated results of Twelve-Step programs cannot be denied, especially in the lives of people devastated by addiction and victimization. But I believe that as a Christian, I am a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17), and therefore I am no longer identified as a victim regardless of what has been done to me. My ultimate hope is in Christ and His promises as revealed in Scripture. Therefore, I am not dealing from a position of my own weakness, but instead I can rely on God's strength. It is He who ultimately changes hearts, and I am glad that "Bondage to Bonding" includes a love relationship with God as a necessity. If this is kept in mind, then I can recommend "From Bondage to Bonding" as an aid to dealing with codependency.

Rating:
Summary: Absolutely essential reading for recovering codependents
Review: I have struggled with codependency for many years and am currently recovering from a broken marriage that was destroyed by mutual codependency. This is the book that taught me the most and helped me the most, without question! I have read Melody Beattie's work, and some of Pia Mellody's; they are both great as well. But Nancy Groom herself has walked down the terribly painful path of codepency and recovery; she did it by abiding in Christ and depending on His grace. The good thing about this book is that she explains clearly exactly what it means to cling to God in difficult times, and how this applies to codepency, in real-life, practical terms. I have never liked nor had any patience with books that give the pat answer, "Trust in the Lord; He'll see you through the storm." Yes, He will, but when you are in the midst of a codepency nightmare, the only way of life you've ever known, you need REAL, practical examples of how to stop and how to move forward. Nancy Groom has obviously read about and studied the subject of codepency extensively; she shares many wonderful quotes in the book. She also incorporates the Twelve Steps, which are also crucial to codependency recovery. Please get this book if you or someone you love has addiction and/or codepency and control issues. It will revolutionize your thinking and help you implement real change. It will also help you move toward a much deeper relationship with God, without which you truly will never get better. I know; until I reached that point, I never really was able to break the chokehold codepency had on my life. Don't lose hope; it CAN be done. I am living proof.

Rating:
Summary: The Best of the Best. . .
Review: If you have ever read a cheesy book on codependency and aren't looking forward to another--you've got the right book! Nancy Groom has written the BEST book ever on codependency. She combines scholars, examples, personal experience and a Biblical base to make this a readable book that is easy to understand. Don't pass up the opportunity to read it!

Rating:
Summary: The Best of the Best. . .
Review: If you have ever read a cheesy book on codependency and aren't looking forward to another--you've got the right book! Nancy Groom has written the BEST book ever on codependency. She combines scholars, examples, personal experience and a Biblical base to make this a readable book that is easy to understand. Don't pass up the opportunity to read it!

Rating:
Summary: A comprehensive and hopeful book about co-dependency.
Review: Nancy Groom takes the subject of addressing difficult relationships and how the co-dependent fits into the pattern then goes beyond the average self-help book. She actually describes and then gives effective approaches. She stays with the subject of how to relate to your own false relational styles and not the direction of just finding a different way to be dependent. It is positive. It is very hopeful. It is a pleasure to read and easy to understand.