Choosing Forgiveness

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Summary: Forgiveness Undergirds Church Unity
Review: Anyone involved in counselling knows that at the root of practically every relationship problem lies unforgiveness. But while most Christians understand the general concept, many struggle with actually experiencing it. Choosing Forgiveness takes you beyond the concept, and teaches in simple yet practical terms how to both give and receive forgiveness. Choosing Forgiveness has several strengths. Authors John and Paula Sandford, known internationally for their teaching and books on counselling, bring readers a wealth of stories, illustrations, insights and teaching. Counsellor and co-author, Norm Bowman, adds his skill as a writer and editor to direct this easy-to-read book toward a more general audience rather than the professional counsellor. The teaching is comprehensive and solidly rooted in biblical truth and real-life situations. It reveals not only the Father's heart on this crucial matter, but points us beyond the personal implications to the larger picture of why forgiveness is essential to the kingdom of God. Intensely practical, the book includes a 31-day devotional guide that combines excerpts from the book with relevant scriptures to help readers develop a daily discipline and lifestyle of forgiveness. It seems almost redundant to begin the book with a chapter entitled Forgiveness: option or necessity. Even the book's title seems to suggest a paradox. But truth and experience tell us that sin and unforgiveness are not easy issues to think about. Most of us avoid dealing with them if we can. Since unforgiveness can be lodged deep inside us without our recognizing it, one difficulty is that we often think we have forgiven when in reality we have not. A number of chapters offer practical teaching to help us discover where we might be on the journey toward forgiveness. Choosing Forgiveness rightly emphasizes that forgiveness must be a lifestyle. Here is the kind of teaching and counsel that can radically change families and churches. Basic principles of walking in forgiveness that should apply to every area of our lives are given: how we think or talk about others, how to recognize and deal with a false sense of forgiveness, and how to beware of feelings that are often repressed or masked instead of exposed. One section describes how forgiveness can be a part of growing, healthy relationships, especially in marriage. It looks at how to drink life rather than harm from others, how to bring balance into relationships through forgiveness, and how unresolved hurts can turn into roots of bitterness that destroy. The chapter on Restoration of Christian Unity is, in my opinion, the heart of, and key to the book. Sandfords point out that to truly understand and walk in forgiveness is to see it from God's perspective and not, as we are prone to do, only in terms of His love for us and what it can do for us individually. God wants unity in the Body. He wants to build a kingdom of sons and daughters. Unforgiveness fractures that unity and shatters the kingdom. We tend to have a limited view of our role in the kingdom, and therefore don't repent, as we need to, of how we contribute to fracturing the whole. The book concludes with a sobering section on what happens when we choose unforgiveness, and an encouraging vision of what happens when we forgive. If forgiveness is not an option, neither should having a copy of Choosing Forgiveness in your home or church library, be an option. This invaluable and life-changing resource could save countless hours and dollars in unnecessary counselling sessions. Will Walker, editor, Spread the Fire, April 1997, Toronto Airport Church Fellowship quarterly magazine.

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Summary: Easy to read in bite sized pieces
Review: Even if you are desperate to know what forgiveness involves and how to do it, this book need not be devoured at one sitting. This is because the book makes it clear that forgiveness involves patience, just as much as learning other positive things and unlearning negative things take time. God supplies the patience and the forgivess we need ourselves, the love and the grace to get it done. It should not be rushed. The book covers that forgivenes involves breaks in relationships, whether it be a marriage, children or friendships of any degree. Forgiveness can be hard because the other party may go on hurting you, but then you may still be hurting the other party yourself because you reactions aren't right either. But if you feel condemned because it is taking too long then remember that there are no instant solutions - the book makes it clear that because we are people and it involves relationships things take time. Here are a number of other things the book makes clear. It is not for us to determine what repentance in the other party looks like - just because it would be healing to see an upset other party, upset with the hurt they have caused you. It makes it clear that forgivess does not depend on the repentance of the other party showing they will never do whatever it is again. Repentance alone may not be all that is needed to deal with the root issues in the offender and in the relationship that caused the fracture in the relationship. So just because the offender repents but does it again may not mean they have not repented. Repentance may be only the beginning of the process of healing the reason for the offence and the relationship. Neither does it depend on them doing anything to prove it or to show they have changed. Look at the Prodigal Son parable in the gospel of Luke Chapter 15 and how the thief on the cross was forgiven but did not have to leap down from his cross to prove he had changed. Usually forgiveness takes more time than we'd like, but forgiveness does not mean that the offence is OK. But here is the absolute key - we don't have to accomplish it. We position ourselves by praying for the grace to begin the process if we can't position ourselves by choosing to forgive straigh away. And when we do forgive, He gives us the grace to get it done because he accomplishes it because He is our sanctification - we do not achieve it, we position ourselves and He accomplishes it for us. It does mean you don't judge the other person, that you don't hold any grudges and that you are given the grace to love them. It is not an excuse for the other person to hurt you again, nor (if you are the forgiven one)is it an excuse for you to take the forgiver for granted and hurt the other person. Building trust again may be a time consuming, but separate matter to the process of forgiveness. It may be part of the process. But whilst books can help, healing comes from God himself and we each need a special and unique healing from God. No book can be a blueprint, but it can be healing to see it takes time and it is a process. May this book be part of your process.