Breaking & Mending: Divorce & God's Grace

Rating:
Summary: Divorce raises deep questions about faith and identity.
Review: Getting a divorce was the most self-loving, life-affirming, and healthy act I have ever committed -- but the people I cared about and respected most did not agree with me about that. My struggle to reconcile those two realities led, eventually, to my writing Breaking and Mending. The journey has been worthwhile, for along the way I found a new understanding of God's grace, an understanding that has changed the way I look at myself and the world.

I found out very quickly after I divorced that most Christian people thought it was okay to be divorced only if I were miserable about it. And I was not miserable about it. My divorce came after a long, painful struggle in a destructive marriage, and getting away from the unrelenting anguish was a profound relief. That does not mean that life was always rosy (anyone who says that will probably lie about other things), but I was at least facing life honestly. I had not been doing that. For years I had been praying for help in private and pretending in public that things were okay -- because the church wasn't comfortable with anyone doing otherwise.

One of the sad realities of being both Christian and in a bad marriage is that many people see those two as mutually exclusive. Good Christians don't have bad marriages. Because I had absorbed that idea, admitting the reality of my situation was tantamount to saying that I must not really be a good Christian. If I were, my marriage would be salvageable. But I finally had to admit to myself that I could not make my marriage work and that I could no longer bear the pain and loneliness. I had to admit that the dream I had had for my life was never going to come true. I felt like a failure.

My faith is central to my identity. When I found myself with no choice but to do something that my faith said was wrong, I found myself in crisis. My images of God and my ideas of how God interacts with us were challenged. This book is my attempt to examine the struggles that I faced as I tried to build an identity based not on relationships with people but on honest and open relationship with God. Trying to find answers and help, I read a lot of Christian books about divorce. Most of the personal experience books I read (all but one, actually) were accounts of how a Christian struggled through a divorce, learned some lessons, and got remarried to a wonderful Christian. That constituted "getting over" divorce. But in time I came to feel not just relieved but happily divorced and content with my life. Getting remarried did not appeal to me, and I made a new place for myself in the church. That made me, apparently, an anomaly. Weird.

Years after my divorce, I live still single, a happy, fulfilled person with worthwhile and nurturing relationships. I experience intimacy with God through a life of prayer and service, and I have discovered that God willingly uses imperfect people like me. If we offer them, God uses even our bad decisions and destructive relationships to teach us what it means to find completeness and fullness of life in Christ. That's what my book is about.

I don't pull any punches. I wanted to give an honest picture of what is has been like for me. That means I talk about sexual predators and about the struggle to find a place in a church that seems geared to deal with traditional families. It means I write about issues of doubt and questioning, grief and depression. There are things in this book that I'd really prefer people not know about me -- but not to include them would give only a partial picture of the struggles related to divorce. I am a real person, warts and all, and I want other real people to know that we are not alone as we face life. Even when we feel like failures, God is with us. God is working within us and reaching out to us, offering life.

Rating:
Summary: I didn't care for it much
Review: I found myself wishing I'd bought something else about halfway through this book. I recently came out of a very abusive marriage for unimpeachable reasons (adultery included) and I thought the author had no principles whatsoever. She had no biblical grounds for her divorce and actually boasted about dating and even kissing various men--and getting sexually aroused herself and arousing them--with no honorable intentions beyond. This really offended me. I could have gotten the same approach from a secular title.

In addition, her description of "predators" in Christian circles who go after divorced women scared the bejeebies out of me. I am trying hard in therapy to get over my terror of men and my conviction that they are all slimeballs out after only one thing, even when they hide it behind a religious facade, and this book only reinforced my fears.

Her thoughts that God still loves divorced people and still has a plan for their future were comforting, yes, but doesn't every Christian divorce title in print say this same thing?

Thumbs down.

Rating:
Summary: I didn't care for it much
Review: I found myself wishing I'd bought something else about halfway through this book. I recently came out of a very abusive marriage for unimpeachable reasons (adultery included) and I thought the author had no principles whatsoever. She had no biblical grounds for her divorce and actually boasted about dating and even kissing various men--and getting sexually aroused herself and arousing them--with no honorable intentions beyond. This really offended me. I could have gotten the same approach from a secular title.

In addition, her description of "predators" in Christian circles who go after divorced women scared the bejeebies out of me. I am trying hard in therapy to get over my terror of men and my conviction that they are all slimeballs out after only one thing, even when they hide it behind a religious facade, and this book only reinforced my fears.

Her thoughts that God still loves divorced people and still has a plan for their future were comforting, yes, but doesn't every Christian divorce title in print say this same thing?

Thumbs down.

Rating:
Summary: What a blessing!
Review: I picked this book up in the summber of 2000. I read this immediately after reading two other books that had a profound affect on me. Still unsure as to what the outcome was going to be in my marriage, after I finished this book, I felt relieved to know that I would not go to hell if I chose divorce.

I learned that God does allow u-turns in life.

My marriage has been very, very painful. I have endured years of verbal abuse and crazy making. I stayed in my relationship believing that I would be committing an unpardonable sin if I divorced. I no longer believe that...although I must admit, it's a day to day struggle.

I, like many wives out there, counseled till I was blue in the face (I'm still in counseling) while my husband did a few sessions and now believes he is well and healed.

Yesterday, I saw his heart through more abuse and now realize he is not going to change and that it's time for me to move forward with my life.

Because of this book, I know that God knows I have tried everything humanly possible to save my marriage, but now it's time to accept the grace that God is offering me in divorce. I know it breaks HIS heart, it breaks my heart too and it will break the children's hearts as well. However, it would break my heart to have my children endure the pain of accepting a relationship like this or become abusive as well when they marry.

I have my issues and I am not perfect, but I am doing what I can through counseling and reading, to work on myself so that I can be a good example to my children. As I move forward to become the person God created me to be (after years of feeling like a nobody, a zero, and brainless), I know HE is not waiting behind a cloud to smite me (as some pastors and elders all but say) because God loves me, I am wonderfully made by Him and He has plans for me...great plans!

Rating:
Summary: Real Life
Review: I really like this book because I felt that the author conveyed honesty and a real picture of married life and relationships (also after being single again). A lot of people do pretend in public that everything is okay when that is not always the case. This leaves a false impression on others on what a marriage is like. I think all marriages have problems that couples work on but this is the only book I have read that addressed the problem of one spouse not being in love with the other. I think this is a common problem when people marry for many other reasons such as pregnancy before marriage, money, and whatever else you can think of. The author did not try to gloss over problems and pretend that counseling and prayer solved her problems. She communicated everything that she tried to make the marriage work and how she honestly felt at the results of those efforts. I felt the author was honest in conveying her struggles as a christian and not wanting to disappoint God. The book is more about healing and God's grace after deciding to get divorce as opposed to God's commandments on divorce.

Rating:
Summary: Going The Distance
Review: This book has just been a Godsend these past few weeks! I still deal with vulnerabilities 3+ years after the divorce. I felt like the author hit on all the major ones: Is the divorce my fault; am I anything without a partner, will I have healthy relationships in the wake of a dysfunctional upbringing, etc. She talked about how she felt about the particular challenge. Then, she presented some Biblically-based perspective on how an individual can surmount that stumbling block. This book is a keeper! I keep going back and reading a chapter as I grapple with specific challenges. It's appeal goes beyond the "Christian" reader.

Rating:
Summary: Going The Distance
Review: This book has just been a Godsend these past few weeks! I still deal with vulnerabilities 3+ years after the divorce. I felt like the author hit on all the major ones: Is the divorce my fault; am I anything without a partner, will I have healthy relationships in the wake of a dysfunctional upbringing, etc. She talked about how she felt about the particular challenge. Then, she presented some Biblically-based perspective on how an individual can surmount that stumbling block. This book is a keeper! I keep going back and reading a chapter as I grapple with specific challenges. It's appeal goes beyond the "Christian" reader.

Rating:
Summary: A real book about divorce from a Christian perspective!
Review: This book is real. It deals with divorce and the church, and it deals very honestly with the Bible and with the personal experience. Redding looks not only at her divorce, but her marriage. She addresses spiritual issues that the church seems to have preferred to ignore. She writes from a thorough knowledge of the Bible as well as her own experience.

The subtitle (Divorce and God's Grace) offers much insight into the author's perspective. Redding is convinced that God loves human beings and that love extends beyond and through the tragedies of our institutions and relationships. She emphasizes God's grace and love above all. Redding deals with forgiveness and family, healing and broken dreams.

This is a book unlike any other divorce book on the market because Redding deals honestly and seriously with divorce (unlike so many books from a religious perspective that simply say "don't do it") and she offers a biblical foundation for her story. This is a book every pastor should read and have available for those who seek counsel.

Rating:
Summary: A Godsend!
Review: This book was instrumental in my healing from a broken marriage. Its particular strength is in Redding's perspective, having grown up in a conservative Christian environment. She deals honestly with the reality that, divorce sometimes seems to be the only option, even for two Bible-beliving Christians. This book helped me feel less alone and even articulated some of my deepest thoughts and fears. It is rooted in the reality that God loves us more than we will ever comprehend and nothing can change that - even the sin of divorce. She also offers practical advice for healing after the divorce. I believe this book was inspired!