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Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling The Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep us From Optimal Living and Loving

Fear and Other Uninvited Guests: Tackling The Anxiety, Fear and Shame That Keep us From Optimal Living and Loving

List Price: $22.00
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Product Info Reviews

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Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Welcome Relief for Our National Angst
Review: For the last few years, I've been doing research for a book addressed to otherwise healthy people who feel traumatized by the news--that is, people suffering political depression. So I was elated to find not only confirmation of this phenomenon in Harriet Lerner's wonderful book, but also genuinely helpful advice on dealing with it. When a whole culture is distressed, she writes, "it will develop an anxiety disorder all its own." Certainly, newspapers today offer plentiful evidence of national angst. Every sentence in Fear and Other Uninvited Guests resonated...and relieved. Individually and collectively, life is a process, pain is a teacher. I guess it's not merely coincidence that Harriet's last name is Lerner. Reading her, I felt like one too.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Welcome Relief for Our National Angst
Review: For the last few years, I've been doing research for a book addressed to otherwise healthy people who feel traumatized by the news--that is, people suffering political depression. So I was elated to find not only confirmation of this phenomenon in Harriet Lerner's wonderful book, but also genuinely helpful advice on dealing with it. When a whole culture is distressed, she writes, "it will develop an anxiety disorder all its own." Certainly, newspapers today offer plentiful evidence of national angst. Every sentence in Fear and Other Uninvited Guests resonated...and relieved. Individually and collectively, life is a process, pain is a teacher. I guess it's not merely coincidence that Harriet's last name is Lerner. Reading her, I felt like one too.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Smart, sensible, well-written, and wise
Review: Harriet Lerner brings both her personal experiences and those of her numerous clients to the subjects of fear, shame, and anxiety. Instead of providing easy answers of the "just follow my three rules and life will be perfect" type, she takes seriously the challenges that these "uninvited guests" represent in our lives and provides insights into how to work with them to move constructively beyond the limitations they represent. Compassion for those who struggle shines through the writing -- not the icky supersweet form that is really not compassion at all but false reasurance -- but the hardheaded compassion of one who has seen a lot, grown a lot, and has a great deal of wisdom to impart. I'll be giving this book to more than a few friends and family members, not because we are an unusually disfunctional bunch but because we can all benefit from a fresh look at an old set of issues.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: When is a Vagina not a Vagina?
Review: I bet Harriet Lerner makes a great dinner companion. Better yet, I'd love to end up at a weekend retreat she was attending. Reading her books over the years, I always come away with a sense that I already know her and like her. Her writing is more what we expect from a good novelist rather than somebody with a Ph.D. behind their name.

Most books written about anxiety and fear come from one of two perspectives - the unrealistic 6 easy steps to forever banish anxiety (and any other unpleasant inconveniences in your life) approach, or the stodgy, academic here are the causes, symptoms, and treatments approach. I've read dozens of each, and even when valuable, they quickly become indistinguishable.

You won't learn much about neurotransmitters here, you won't come away with a list of homework assignments or affirmations, and it's not the place to seek the latest on medications.

Harriet would probably say that tackling fear is kind of like tackling unwanted pounds. You can declare them the enemy, prepare for war, deprive yourself, and declare victory for whoever loses the most pounds in the shortest amount of time.

Problem is, we gotta eat, food is sometimes about survival, and there are times extra pounds make sense. The question is how do we coexist with food, value it, love it even, and make peace with it. It's not going away.

Same with anxiety, fear and shame. Harriet helps us see that it's OK to acknowledge these feelings, get up close and take a good long look at them, and take our time figuring out how best to make our peace with them.

We get to be proud of our courage even (especially) when we're scared to death. We get to take two steps forward and one - or eleven - back.

We get to understand that everything's not always about action. And that standing still can take as much effort as surging forward. And that there's a difference between avoidance and deliberateness.

Thanks Harriet - for sharing your clients and their courage, your own stories (that make us smile) and your wise perspective.

(And for the absolutely simple and unfortunately downright radical lesson in the language of female genitalia!)



Rating: 4 stars
Summary: Good, Practical Guidance
Review: I purchased this book because I had the misguided hope that it contained some secret antidote to all the fear I had in my life. Something about the subtitle-- Tackling the Anxiety, Fear, and Shame that Keep Us from Optimal Living--led me to that conclusion. The author dissuaded me from this hope, however, in the introduction. She wrote that she had little respect for the plethora of self-improvement books that made great promises about transcending all fears. We were not going to accomplish anything as dramatic as that in this book, she informed me.

So, was I disappointed that I bought the book? No. I read it from cover to cover and thoroughly enjoyed it. Did I get any help from it? Yes, I did. Through the numerous, real-world, realistic examples of people dealing with a fear, anxiety or shame and making a step forward, I acquired an understanding that there are actions one can take that will help one to open up and move to a richer, better life. I was able to look at my own bogeymen more directly in the eye and see that there were some not too scary things I could do to get my fears and anxieties to ease their grip a little.

The thing that I liked most about this book is the author's conclusion that, no matter how far you go or advanced you get, there are still going to be moments in your life where you are just going to freak out. We all do. We always will. Somehow knowing that fear is just a part of the process of life, and always will be, makes it easier to deal with.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Commonsense meets inspiration and wisdom
Review: If I had to pick one word to describe this book, I'd say "wise." Lerner avoids two traps of therapist-authors: She doesn't rely on theory and jargon and she doesn't jettison her education to serve up easy-to-swallow formulas. She's not afraid to talk tough and to season her wisdom with humor.

I love her opening. Cats live in the moment, she says, and goes on to compare the relative advantages of being a cat versus being a human. But then, she concludes, it doesn't matter: if you're reading this book, it's safe to say you're not a cat.

And unlike many authors, Lerner offers a balance between relationship and work stresses. She describes a powerful but controversial intervention she designed for a young man who feared social rejection. While she reminds us she took into account the young man's non-threatening persona, I'm still amazed he didn't get arrested. The point, however, is well-taken. Action, not insight, creates change.

I especially appreciate Lerner's advice: "Be able to live without your job." She's right: being free to walk allows you to speak up for your values. And although she doesn't make this point, I've found that when we're free to leave, we usually end up neither having to leave nor wanting to go.

And, adds Lerner, remember that the workplace is not your family. Organizations exist to ensure their own economic vitality -- i.e, their own survival. "Your work family may treat you in such an insensitive and uncaring manner that it will take your breath away." SO true.

Dealing with emotion, Lerner is more realistic than most authors. Recognizing unhappiness requires courage, yet unhappiness itself can help us become brave enough to make changes. Anger and suffering can become part of who we are, so letting go leads to a feeling of homesickness.

All in all, a superb addition to the self-help shelf. Recommended to all.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Commonsense meets inspiration and wisdom
Review: If I had to pick one word to describe this book, I'd say "wise." Lerner avoids two traps of therapist-authors: She doesn't rely on theory and jargon and she doesn't jettison her education to serve up easy-to-swallow formulas. She's not afraid to talk tough and to season her wisdom with humor.

I love her opening. Cats live in the moment, she says, and goes on to compare the relative advantages of being a cat versus being a human. But then, she concludes, it doesn't matter: if you're reading this book, it's safe to say you're not a cat.

And unlike many authors, Lerner offers a balance between relationship and work stresses. She describes a powerful but controversial intervention she designed for a young man who feared social rejection. While she reminds us she took into account the young man's non-threatening persona, I'm still amazed he didn't get arrested. The point, however, is well-taken. Action, not insight, creates change.

I especially appreciate Lerner's advice: "Be able to live without your job." She's right: being free to walk allows you to speak up for your values. And although she doesn't make this point, I've found that when we're free to leave, we usually end up neither having to leave nor wanting to go.

And, adds Lerner, remember that the workplace is not your family. Organizations exist to ensure their own economic vitality -- i.e, their own survival. "Your work family may treat you in such an insensitive and uncaring manner that it will take your breath away." SO true.

Dealing with emotion, Lerner is more realistic than most authors. Recognizing unhappiness requires courage, yet unhappiness itself can help us become brave enough to make changes. Anger and suffering can become part of who we are, so letting go leads to a feeling of homesickness.

All in all, a superb addition to the self-help shelf. Recommended to all.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: Wise Woman Speaks Again
Review: Once again Dr. Harriet Lerner has taken complex psychological dynamics and made them thoroughly comprehensible for the general public. This time Dr. Lerner has tackled fear, anxiety and shame and through numerous examples - both personal and anecdotal of other's experiences - has enabled the reader to feel understood, not pathologized but 'simply human'. Always a pleasure to read, Dr. Lerner brings the wisdom and honesty of a seasoned practitioner translating human emotional life into something at once accessible and instructive. I loved her blend of eastern mindfulness with western psychotherapy techniques.
As a psychotherapist for nearly 30 years I have heard countless stories of people suffering from shame,anxiety and, increasingly over the last few years, of fear/terror. I will recommend this book to many people, including other colleagues who I'm sure will find it comfoting, inspiring and enormously useful.

Rating: 5 stars
Summary: brilliant and helpful
Review: Once again Harriet Lerner brings intelligence and perspective to the tough places in life.....In this book she tackles fear and shame, two of the biggest sources of disconnection and misunderstanding that people struggle with. The mix of useful ideas and inspiring stories contribute to a sense of hope..and it is hope that we desperately need in these dark times...Thank you, Harriet !!!!

Rating: 4 stars
Summary: Well written and interesting
Review: Perhaps the easiest way to describe what this book is is to describe what it's not. It's not a step-by-step process that will change your life overnight (something I'm always looking for and failing to find--wonder why?). It's not full of tests for discovering whether fear is crippling you; there are no worksheets, no exercises, no quick fixes of any kind.

Instead, what this book offers is some insightful analysis into what causes anxiety, fear and shame, howthese uncomfortable "guests" manifest in our lives, and some suggestions for how we might use these sometimes painful emotions for self-discovery and, ultimately, become higher-functioning by learning to reduce or in some cases eliminate fear, anxiety and shame, or co-exist with them.

As I flew through this well-written, clear, and interesting text, I found myself recognizing situations from my own life, past and present, and from others' lives, and in some cases reaching a new understanding. I can't say the book changed anything about my particular life in any dramatic fashion, but it is interesting reading for anyone who seeks clarity about the craziness going on in his life.


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