Rating: 
Summary: A Book Review by Yarith Calito
Review: The Difference in Understanding Do men and women really interpret each other differently when speaking or expressing a thought? I believe there is a communication barrier that exists between men and women. In the book "You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation," Deborah Tannen explains and gives examples of vast situations that men and women, girls and boys, encounter on a daily basis.
I strongly agree with Tannen that the difference in conversation stems from the way we are raised as children. She states,
"Intimacy is key in a world of connection where individuals negotiate complex networks of friendship, minimize differences, try to reach consensus, and avoid the appearance of superiority, which highlights differences. In the world of status, independence is the key because a primary means of establishing status is to tell others what to do, and taking orders is a marker of low status. Though all humans need both intimacy and independence, women tend to focus on the first and man on the second."
Boys and girls tend to play in same-sex group and though some activities they play are similar, many of their favorite games also differ. For example, boys tend to play in larger groups, with a leader who tells them what to do. They like to achieve status by grabbing center stage through telling stories, jokes or challenging the stories of others. Boys games tend to have losers and winners. Girls in contrast, usually play in small groups. Their most popular games are playing house or jump roping, where everyone gets a turn and no one wins or looses. Girls sit and talk most of the time. They are more concerned with being liked rather than achieving status.
As adults, women have a reputation for talking too much. Studies show, however, that in public, it is men who talk more than women. For men home may be a place where they are free because they do not have to compete. This might be due to men engaging in "report talk", Tannen states, a display of knowledge and skill and a way of holding center stage through verbal performance. For women, they seem more comfortable speaking at home or in private. In contrast as Tannen states this is "rapport talk", a way of establishing connection by exchanging similar stories. Men usually believe or think they seek dominant roles, whereas women lack experience in defending themselves and they may take what the opposite sex says as a personal attack. This book only goes deeper into the theme that women and men have different ways of talking and expressing their feelings. All conversations have two sides. Tannen discusses gender issue differences in communication and I believe she makes one of her strongest points when she states, "It is important for couples to realize one's partner most likely has a different conversational style than one's own." Couples or opposite sexes need to think of how a message could be heard differently than it was intended.
Why men and women seem to have such different ways of communicating, I as well as researchers do not know. Men and women use language differently. It is just something that has always been around. This book was very well written and argued. I have come to realize that in this book Tannen reveals experiences of many men and women that somehow reflect upon our very own everyday life. The best way we can all live and get along with each other is to listen and understand each other. This gives both men and women a fair chance at being heard and at the same time respected. Overall, there will always be a dispute amongst men and women. The best cure for this all is to simply know yourself, the time you need to speak and the time you need to listen and use them at the appropriate times.
Rating: 
Summary: Made me think, but missed the mark.
Review: The main thing that I give the book credit for is that it made me think about things that I do as a man and try to come up with my own explanations for my behavior, since hers clearly didn't resonate with me. I like to think of myself as "not a typical guy"; most of my women friends would agree. Yet I did recognize my own behavior in some of Tannen's examples. However, when she went on to explain why men do these things, it made me ponder my childhood relationships with other boys and, well, it wasn't anything like what she said. To be sure, there are boys/men who see the world in the binary one-up/one-down way that she describes. We've all met "super-alpha" men like this: the proverbial high-pressure salesman... the man who, upon entering a room where people are conversing, instantly creates a crowd. This isn't the way most boys/men are; some, certainly, but not most. Also, the assumption that men are universally combative is incorrect. I think a more accurate picture of most boys growing up is that we find ourselves unwillingly placed into competition by bullies/super-alpha boys. I found myself picked on or challenged constantly in my childhood, when, all I really wanted was just to get along with everybody and not have people hassle me. I think most guys would nod their heads with me on this one. This, for me, is a much better explanation why men see people as challenging them where women do not, as men are hypersensitive to such challenges... and if you failed to rise to the challenge, you were humiliated by the bully's gang in front of your peers. Boys too wanted to be accepted by their peers, and thrived on community. This explains the popularity of team sports among men. Some of the best memories of our childhood were our bonding with our teams for the unified purpose of winning a game. Another point completely missing in her theory was the fact that, from a very early age, boys are "taught" not to show vulnerable feelings. Doesn't matter how enlightened your parents were. Unless you grew up in a vacuum, your peers would be sure to teach you that. This would explain why men relate to each other without actually ever talking about themselves or their deep feelings, but rather like to keep topics to common interests (most of the time). Likewise, in male-female relationships, women are just as likely to be controlling as men. Women take different approaches to control, as brute force doesn't usually work for them. The idea that every woman just tries to get along flies in the face of the facts in some of my less successful relationships; I tend to be conflict-averse (a trait she attributes universally to women). I have infuriated some past partners who found "verbal sparring" a meaningful form of engagement (a trait Tannen attributes universally to men). Anyway, she came up with some interesting observations that, I think, are universal to most men from super-alpha to enlightened/sensitive men, then used an "all men aspire to be super-alpha males" approach to try to explain them; and the converse seems to be true of her approach to explaining female behavior as well.
Rating:
Summary: a must-read for everyone who talks to the opposite sex
Review: This book can change your life, but only if both you and your spouse read it. Or a good handbook for singles, hoping to figure out just what exactly that other strange species is really saying. What is most impressive is how even handedly Dr. Tannen treats female- and male-oriented communication styles, noting that neither style is inherently better, but just profoundly different, and that understanding the basis for how women and men communicate so differently can really lay a groundwork for avoiding lots of misunderstandings. This is absolutely true. As a man, I am amazed that Dr. Tannen has such a solid and objective understanding of male-pattern communication styles. I certainly learned a lot about how women communicate, and thus have avoided perhaps 50% of the misunderstandings in my marriage. Now if I can only get my lovely spouse to "just read the book" (which alas has turned into my final defense on more than one occaision), we can eliminate the other 50%!
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Summary: Complementary schismogenesis
Review: This is a book of sociolinguistics and is also suitable for the general reader. What is more interesting than how men and women talk? Gender research is controversial. It is important because when all other cultural disparities are eliminated, issues of gender differences in communication styles remain. For men home may be a place where they are free to sit in silence because they do not have to compete. For women home may represent to them a place where they are able to speak freely. They may pursue intimacy. They don't necessarily have to play a supporting role, and they don't have to go to the trouble of claiming the stage and appearing self-involved and vain. Some men do not discuss their troubles with anyone. Women bond in pain. Still, women know that talk is risky. Among other things, the consequences of malicious gossip may ensue. Attention to details concerning a person is often a sign of romantic interest. Men and women have different habits for social talk and make different uses of it. Where women are expert and men are not, they may lose ground in conversations because men, for cultural reasons, may still be seeking dominant roles. Women lack experience in defending themselves against challenges and they may misinterpret challenges as personal attacks on their credibility. Typically, in writing and speaking men may seek to persuade in order to be respected and women may seek to be inoffensive in order to be liked. Experimental studies show that men are more comfortable than women giving opinions and speaking in an authoritative way to a group and women are more comfortable supporting others. Women engage in rapport-talk, emphasizing connection. Men engage in contests. Men may not want to listen at length because it frames them as subordinate. Men understand they do have to listen to fathers and superiors, bosses. Men may invoke the theme of aggression to meet affiliative ends. Different world views shape every aspect of talking. Women tell stories of community, men tell stories of contest. Female accomodation for the sake of harmony can take its toll in mounting resentment. Sometimes the result is divorce. Indirectness in and of itself does not signify powerlessness. Entire cultures operate on elaborate rules of indirect speech. The example of Japan comes to mind. There are cultures where the men use indirect speech, more stately, nore elaborate, possibly more formal and archaic, and the women use direct rough speech. Styles more typical of men are generally evaluated more positively. Women make more adjustments than men in mixed groups. Complementary schismogenesis, a mutually aggravating spiral, may set in where men and women have divergent sensitivities. The book is well-done, the case is well-argued, and the results are, in a sense, disheartening since none of us can leave our skins. Men are urged to acquire female characteristics of communicating, and women male styles, in order to have more skills and sensitivities at their disposal. I would guess that the disheartening aspect of the experience of reading this quite excellent book is encountering the case studies of misunderstandings which all too well reflect our own experiences in every day domestic and voacational life.
Rating: 
Summary: Think Before You Speak
Review: Wow! This book is an eye opener not only for communication at work but in personal relationships as well. A worthwhile read for any man who has wondered just what he said wrong and for any woman who finds herself puzzled by the men who just don't "get it." Take the lessons to heart and your life will be running more smoothly in no time. Also check out Rat Race Relaxer: Your Potential & The Maze of Life by JoAnna Carey to help you communicate what you want in return for running the rat race.
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