Rating: 
Summary: A Psychotherapeutic Work of Mastery!
Review: ... Terrence Real has written a psychotherapeutic work of mastery with HOW CAN I GET THROUGH TO YOU. The book is steeped in psychological wisdom and hard-earned knowledge gained through years of real-life experience working with couples as a counseling psychotherapist, helping people who need help with their relationships. ... This is no simple self-help book, self-actualization preppie, or book of sad-sob stories for the sentimental-hearted. ... NO! ... This book REEKS of REALISTIC examples of REAL-LIFE STORIES of people who have suffered great pain - in and out of relationships - and who have been helped by Terry Real's no-nonsense approach to relationship recovery and repair. ... His last name is not Real for nothing!... Terry gives us some very helpful, psychological working-tools to use in our relationships in order to help us focus on REPAIR . The book is ripe with them on almost every page. Here is a perfect example from page 242: "If someone voices discomfort about something, particularly if it's about you, her primary interest rarely lies in learning about your side of things. This is a point that is just as relevant to businesspeople as to marital partners. When someone is addressing difficult issues, more often than not her primary interest will be her concerns, not yours. When we listen relationally, we place ourselves at the service of the speaker. While it's seldom voiced, the truth is that the person you're listening to really doesn't care all that much at the moment about you one way or the other. She wants to know if you care about her. Do you get to come back with an explanation, how things "really were"? Well, perhaps sometime later. After you've addressed her concerns, you can provide your ideas about what happened. But ask yourself if that is really necessary, and even if it is, begin with solicitation - scan for a response that furthers repair." ... I could go on quoting from EVERY PAGE of this great book, but it would be unecessary. Suffice it to say, this is one of the greatest books I have read in my life - and I have read far over a 1000. It is not just informative; it is intrinsically HELPFUL and INSTRUCTIVE in very positive ways. It teaches you ways to act and react - and even more importantly, how NOT to react - when you find yourself in the middle of a serious conversation with the one you love. I learned so much from this book, I now want to buy Terry's first book and read that one, too! ... Also, the stories he includes in each chapter - as he weaves his wisdom between passages pertaining to people he has helped - are not just interesting. They draw you in and captivate you! You will be moved to tears - and laughter - while reading this book. ... YOWZA! - The Aeolian KId
Rating:
Summary: This is work that we all need to do
Review: After 30 years as a licensed Marriage and Family counselor, I now
make it a point to recommend _How Can I Get Through to You?
(Reconnecting Men and Women)_ to every couple in my practice. As
a man, husband (32 years) and father (of a son and daughter), I
credit this book with changing my life.
Although I have seen these issues play out over three decades of
leading partners through couples therapy, the wisdom and insights
that I've gleaned from this book have offered me a new perspective from which to help couples help themselves.
Terrence Real speaks of the breakdown of couple relationships as
a mirror of societal gender conflict. We (patriarchal culture)
socialize boys to be competitive and girls to be compliant. When
men and women become joined in marriage, it is a union of two
different species. However Real moves beyond merely describing
the differences between men and women by recommending a radical
course of bringing the genders back into balance - and wholeness.
He refers to this as 1) empowering the woman and 2) reconnecting
the man. This core concept really speaks to me for I find that
the majority of the couples in my practice are living examples of
the corrupted communication patterns that Real describes through
his model and illustrates so well in case studies.
The greatest insight that I received from this material is an
understanding of the profound impact of the early disconnection
of men. As Real explains, both girls and boys are severely
wounded during the socialization process - but the damage to
boys is more significant because their disconnect (from
relationship, from their feelings and from all that is considered
"feminine") occurs at such an early (between 3 and 5 years) age.
I and all men walk around this planet with covert depression
because of the parts of us that got lost.
In my work with couples, I emphasize the skills of healthy
relating with the insights presented in this book as background. I now have a deeper understanding of where each party is coming from and I can better see their gifts, honor their wounds and hold a vision of what may be possible for them. In this way, I seek to empower the couple - by being the orchestrator who holds the sacred space for a more fulfilling relationship. One of Real's most powerful contributions is his notion of the
five key Relational Skills. As I have seen in my practice, these
skills can be taught to and internalized by both parties in a
relationship." I've seen evidenced, internalized by both parties.
When a couple has the core skills and an intention to replace the
"control, revenge, resignation syndrome" with "harmony,
disharmony, repair", the future is much, much brighter.
This is work we all need to do.
Rating:
Summary: Dont read the book without a highlighter ....
Review: because, Im telling you... you will be sorry like I am now, going through the book the second time with a yellow highlighter (use the color of your choice,blue, pink whatever) On the other hand if you read Real's other book "I Dont want to Talk about It" first (but I'm not talking about it now) and then read this book you will receive an education of a lifetime, especially if your married and would like to stay that way. The part about greiving for what you dont have in your marriage was especially critical to me, but there is SO much! I'm astounded that there are so few reviews here... I can really relate to the parts about Reals own marriage too. Excellent..10 stars!
Rating:
Summary: Dont read the book without a highlighter ....
Review: because, Im telling you... you will be sorry like I am now, going through the book the second time with a yellow highlighter (use the color of your choice,blue, pink whatever) On the other hand if you read Real's other book "I Dont want to Talk about It" first (but I'm not talking about it now) and then read this book you will receive an education of a lifetime, especially if your married and would like to stay that way. The part about greiving for what you dont have in your marriage was especially critical to me, but there is SO much! I'm astounded that there are so few reviews here... I can really relate to the parts about Reals own marriage too. Excellent..10 stars!
Rating:
Summary: On the verge of divorce? Read this first.
Review: Before you leave an unhappy marriage, you MUST read this book. It helped me understand so many more things about the terrible deadlocks people get into in relationships. I've never read anything like it. With the new way the author helps you "see" the relationship interactions, if you stay you won't be resentful, and if you go, at least you'll know why instead of being lost in a swirl of hurt and anger. Either way, you may feel like you truly understand even your multi-decade marriage for the very first time.
Rating: 
Summary: A Proposed Improvement in Family Therapy Practice
Review: Caution: This book contains a fair amount of foul language and refers to some pretty unpleasant family situations. If such things offend you, please consider avoiding this book. Although the title of this book makes the book seem like a self-help book, the subject is really how to improve the way that family therapists practice. The main applications for nonprofessional readers are to help them select a family therapist who favors this approach (such as the author), and to prepare for and participate in this therapy. Although the book is filled with examples of how this therapy works, you should realize (as disclosed by the author in the beginning of the book) that all cases are composites. If you are like me, you will find the cases to be a little unreal. That steals a lot of the power from the points. Much of what is discussed will seem familiar. Families don't talk effectively about how to improve their relationships. If Dad has severe problems, there's a conspiracy of silence on the subject. Mom works all day and comes home and does almost all of the housework as well. Emotional damage has occurred in the relationship between Mom and Dad, and Dad has mostly withdrawn in silence . . . or developed bad habits. What is new here is what is suggested be done. The therapist becomes a coach to help the partners develop skills that they did not have before marriage, and do not have now. In particular, the men are expected to change in response to the women, rather than the women simply knuckling under in continued unhappiness and unwarranted male domination. Unlike most books on this subject, the author proposes that therapy follow these stages after addressing any addictions, violence or psychological disorders: (1) empower women to speak up while reconnecting the men enough to listen; (2) help the couple engage one another in being fully present and positively responsive to one another; (3) assist the couple in becoming adept at psychological intimacy; (4) add five new relational skills to each person's repertoire of talents (relational esteem, relational speaking, relational listening, positive negotiation, and relational integration); and (5) then wean the couple away from therapy while creating "a network around each and both of them for support, stimulation, and guidance." If I can sum up the concept of the book, it sounded like the advice that my wife and I got when being counseled by the person who married us. "If each of you give 60% of the total of what is needed to the marriage, you will always have a good marriage." Naturally, you have to learn to be flexible . . . because your idea of a helpful 60% may well turn out to be wrong. May you have a marriage that brings you all the warmth and enjoyment that you give!
Rating: 
Summary: PERSONAL THERAPY
Review: I always feel that talking and writing is therapeutic for me, and I wouldn't want to interfere with or deny that therapy to anyone else. But I think it is important to consider first and foremost the extent to which Real's "How Can I Get Through to You" constitutes Real's own personal therapy. Real describes a family history that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemies: his recently widowed grandfather attempted a murder suicide, with Real's father (then eleven years old) and uncle as the intended murder victims. According to Real, his father grew ever more covertly dependent, eventually giving up on work, friends, and on ambition. Real acknowledges the impact of his family of origin: "For the past twenty years, in a thousand incarnations, I have treated my father. Though I was not aware of it, looking back I can only assume that somewhere along the way, I also made a deal. I would rather devote my life to saving my father than being him." Good for Real: take control of your life, be happy, and be healthy. However, I have two fundamental objections to the presentation in this book. First is that Real stereotypes men as bad and women as good. "Opening up women's voices and opening up men's hearts, empowering wives and reconnecting husbands--that is the work this book describes." It may be popular in some circles to believe that all we need to do is empower women's voices (which are presumed to be good) and to reconnect men (who have somehow gone over to the dark side), but Real doesn't adequately support that belief. Second, it seems that Real has induced that the problem he saw in his family of origin is universal. But not every family grows up with an alcoholic or an abusive member, and not every relationship suffers because the male is oppressing the female. I wouldn't begin to deny the tragic nature of Real's childhood nor of similar experiences, but one size does not fit all, and it would be more helpful if this book didn't portray the problems and the solutions as so simple and as so universal.
Rating: 
Summary: Another man-bashing book
Review: I came across this book yesterday at the public library, and even free, it's not worth the price. This book has some major hostility towards men. Terrence Real claims to have insight into the male psyche, and I grant that he has some. He does acknowledge men's actual feelings, but that's all. That's as far as it goes. As far as I could see, every single analysis he gives and every single solution he proposes is anti-male. I get the impression he thinks the way to save a marriage is to remove the husband's spine. His thesis, that there is some sort of "psychological patriarchy" operating in our society, is simply asinine. I mean, come on, that's just nonsensical. He seems to use the word "Patriarchy" on every page, and the main portion of the book's content are anecdotes aimed at painting men in a bad light. Basically, this is just another man-bashing book. I would recommend "Why Men Are The Way They Are" or "Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say" instead.
Rating:
Summary: Another man-bashing book
Review: I came across this book yesterday at the public library, and even free, it's not worth the price. This book has some major hostility towards men. Terrence Real claims to have insight into the male psyche, and I grant that he has some. He does acknowledge men's actual feelings, but that's all. That's as far as it goes. As far as I could see, every single analysis he gives and every single solution he proposes is anti-male. I get the impression he thinks the way to save a marriage is to remove the husband's spine. His thesis, that there is some sort of "psychological patriarchy" operating in our society, is simply asinine. I mean, come on, that's just nonsensical. He seems to use the word "Patriarchy" on every page, and the main portion of the book's content are anecdotes aimed at painting men in a bad light. Basically, this is just another man-bashing book. I would recommend "Why Men Are The Way They Are" or "Women Can't Hear What Men Don't Say" instead.
Rating:
Summary: How Can I Get Through To You? by Terrence Real
Review: I have been looking for this book for the longest time. There are so many other "relationship quick fix" books out there that I didn't even know where to begin. After picking up Mr. Real's book I realized that a 'quick fix' may not be what I need. He explains all about where we are coming from emotionally, where we need to get to emotionally and the background info we need to grow a healthy relationship - It certainly explained a lot! I always joked that perhaps I wasn't speaking loudly enough when my longterm boyfriend wasn't listening - we really just weren't connecting. Terrence Real helped us to get started in the right direction and to continue that way. This is an amazing book that can help any couple!
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