Boundaries

Rating:
Summary: Not really spiritual developing, but very practical
Review: The authors state that this book is not for spiritual development but for giving people practical tools for life. Nothing could be more true. This book is very practical and biblically based. How the authors were able to draw such revelation from the scriptures regarding boundaries is remarkable.

This book came highly recommended to me, but I had no idea how useful it would actually be. Most people can identify the major boundary lines that they know others cannot cross. This book teaches the subtle ways that we can be manipulated through our lack of boundaries. The authors describe our boundaries simply as our property lines and they are in place to protect what is ours. The authors really make it clear why it is important to have our own boundaries and explains what their effects can be to ourselves and others.

This book should be read by all Christians because it presents a way for Christians to protect themselves against those that don't honor what they have. It is really too valuable not to have. There are some chapters where it's easy to get lost in the details but it's not too much. The authors give excellent insight as to how to raise children with healthy boundaries that will help them all the way through life and how childhood boundaries affect adult behavior.

Pastors and counsellors cannot afford to go without this book. When you deal with people on a daily basis, you need to understand the principles of this book.

Rating:
Summary: excellent
Review: This book is the most helpful one that I have read in a long time. This book can show you how to change your attitude from bitter and resentful to contented. It has a firm Biblical foundation and explains the often ignored, but important belief that you should take care of yourself first and then you can help others.

Rating:
Summary: Boundaries are not laws
Review: I read this book a year ago and it changed my life. Finally, I understood the concept of boundaries and that it was I, not the manipulative controllers in my life (i.e., my older sisters) who had the boundary problem. Over the past year I became Boundary Queen, hoping to build some self respect as well as the respect of others.

What I built instead was an emotional prison. With my new awareness that others did not respect me, I became paralyzed by every snide comment, every perceived slight or overstepping by another person. I was completely ineffective in this new combat. Through email I had a fighting chance of communicating boundaries but in real person I was stunned. I eventually became adept at avoiding aggressive people, under the pretense that I'd become stronger in their absence while practicing with lesser bullies. I remained a victim. My husband scoffed at the boundaries I set and I became furious over my inability to control him.

I finally heard something that changed all that: "Others treat you the way you treat yourself." I knew I had self-esteem problems, despite the fact I had overcome addictions and was a committed Christian. I have recently learned to apply to myself the concept of "love the sinner, hate the sin." Believe it or not, it takes humility (not narcissism) to accept God's unconditional love and treat myself and others accordingly.

I have also learned that boundaries are not laws. When I treat boundaries as dogmatic "shoulds", "oughts" that others "must" abide by, I am acting like God and that is not biblical at all. I am grateful that "Boundaries" taught me how to find my limits, but today I know they are merely preferences and I do not have to become neurotic when others don't "abide in me." When I remain calm I can communicate to others my feelings without being defensive or indignant.

And finally, I am in control of my emotions. I had always heard "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent" but never knew how to make that a reality. Today I have a systematic way of achieving that.

So where did I get my new attitude that has saved my marriage and friendships? Secular self help. No Bible thumping, no smug Christian "betterness", just plain truth and it is out there for everyone. Just do a search on REBT (rational emotive behavior therapy.)

Pax Christi.

Rating:
Summary: Over 50% of book are quotes by Jesus or the Bible
Review: When this book was recommended to me, by my coach, I did not realize the level of references to Jesus and the Bible.

If the main ideas in the book could be summarized without all the "quotes", I'd buy that book in a second. However, it is a challenge to read around the religion.

I am currently looking for other sources of information on Boundaries that do not frame in a religious context. There are non-Christains who need help with Boundaries too.

Rating:
Summary: Warning! Please Make Sure You Know What You're Buying
Review: As society changes, rules which define proper relationships among people change as well, often leaving us confused about how to maintain our own selfhood while allowing others to do the same. People who have unclear understandings of boundary rules are likely to end up as exploiters of other people, or be exploited by others. The importance of boundaries first became clear in twelve-step programs, where people with various addictions seemed to mess up most of the relationships in which they were involved.

The concept of boundaries is a powerful and useful one, but is difficult to understand for people with boundary problems. There is a small but growing clinical and literature dealing with boundaries for emotions and behaviors, and some of the most insightful are "The Dance of Intimacy" and "The Dance of Anger", by Harriet Lerner. To be able to do good boundary work involves important issues such as fairness and justice, clarity in personal identity, and the attainment of maturity. Thus, I continue to look for insightful and balanced treatments of the boundary concept to use in my teaching, church work, and in my personal life.

As a committed Christian, I was excited to find a faith-based series of books that have accompanying materials for work with church groups. I should have looked more closely at the Amazon.com materials, and at the customer reviews. I guess all the gold stars got in my eyes, but I want to post a warning for customers who come to the study of human relationships without the assumptions and commitments that accompany conservative Christianity.

The Cloud and Townsend books are more about promoting a particular view of Christian faith, but not very helpful in extending our knowledge of boundaries beyond the simplicities found in other sources. In fact, the authors give almost no credit for the sources of their ideas. The strength of these books, and presumably their videos, is in providing vivid illustrations that Christian conservatives and Christian counselors will relate to. But books like "Boundaries" are not for everyone, and this book's emphasis on Biblical TRUTH detracts from and sometimes distorts our attempts to understand boundaries objectively.

Rating:
Summary: unique contemporary perspective to biblical relationships
Review: Boundaries is a spiritually inspired work of divinity. Not on par with the bible, yet should be used as a companion for dealing with everyday life. Perspectives that never occurred to me why problems happen to me were focused upon for the first time. This material should be used in a chuch bible study or local missionary effort. The view of Jesus through the eyes of John Townsend and Henry Cloud, shows a truely loving parent having eternal wisdom to offer us. This view shows acceptance, tolerance, encouragement, strenthening advice, and mostly about love. A must for anyone travelling down the spiritual road having a deep desire to further relationships with God, and other people.

Rating:
Summary: the doctor is out ... to lunch!
Review: I don't know what Jesus this Dr. Stewart reads about in the gospels -- perhaps the Jesus of "Happiness is a Warm Fuzzy Jesus." She should read People Of The Lie by M. Scott Peck. All people don't deserve open unconditional entry into your life or unconditional accepting love. There is an ENEMY, folks, and he/it will wreak havoc with your life if you don't discern what spirit(s) people are operating under. And there is also the FLESH controlling what some people say and do, and just as we are to make no provision for the flesh and its lusts in our own lives (Romans), we need to be careful about feeding the carnal appetites and destructive behaviors of others. Jesus cast out demons; He told people to repent; He met people on the terms on which they should be met. Paul turned a believer over to satan because of his misbehavior. "Let's be a doormat for Jesus" is not spiritual -- it is just as fleshly as being hateful and putting up WRONG boundaries. Jesus's God authored the Old Testament, and Jesus endorsed its teachings, and the book of Proverbs has much wisdom that can be applied today, too. It speaks of fools and sluggards and liars and evil people, people who misuse others, etc., and tells how to deal with and respond to them.

Rating:
Summary: The con artist deceives his victim
Review: The con artist deceives his victim through vague stories from which is drawn self-serving conclusions. This book is filled with thin stories that are useless. One can imagine himself in almost any and all of them. The authors give advice that is dangerous and trivial.

The book puts people and life into groups, and the authors "fortunately" have the answer for each. God is treated as a formula and not a living and perfect Father/Creator/redeemer.

The book shows how Jesus had certain boundaries, and that we should have boundaries also for our own protection. Good idea - but... in daily life, boundaries can also be used to escape from obligations. Many scenarios in this series refer to people who simply want to escape obligations. When times get really difficult, one can use the idea of a "boundary" in very self-serving ways. Jonah had a boundary when he decided not to go to Ninivah. The disciples had boundaries that prevented them from standing up as witnesses when Jesus went to trial. The men that threw the prostitute at the feet of Jesus for Judgment had a boundary that prevented them from seeing their own faults.

IMHO, there are many "Self Help Religious" books that reflect some funky attitudes. This is one of many. The attitude I'm referring to says, "If you are not a smiling, peace filled, person who "feels" forgiven - then you are not a Christian. You need to be fixed to match the pattern." As if the Formula God creates the formula person to live a formula life. Nothing in real life is EVER as simple as the scenes in this book.

I've been through this course with a class of people who, like me, were looking for solutions. Since there is a bit of each "drama" in each classmate's life, each answer "almost" fits This leaves people confused. People often have to take the class many times before they "get it". It's like taking a math class that teaches that 1+2 != 3. The student may have to take that class over a few times before they finally surrender and agree.

My conclusion: If it doesn't SEEM to make sense, then it is possible that it really DOESN'T make sense?

One more point FWIW:

I've noticed that there are many good intentioned people that start ministries to help people grow in Christ. After a while, these ministries become corporations, and all corporations exist with the one goal of survival. This forces the production of more merchandise even if the corporation has nothing more to say. I can imagine that it would be difficult to say, "we've achieved our goal and have no need to continue this ministry". Given enough time, all ministries will advance to the level of....

Rating:
Summary: A carnival Psychic would be proud.
Review: Filled to the brim with vague stories that can apply to everyone. One can imagine himself in almost any and all of them. The authors give advice that is dangerous and trivial - but stay tuned because they've got lots of other products in this series that will keep you paying [$$$] just to figure out what they said in the last book you read.

The book puts people and life into groups, and the authors "fortunately" have the answer for each. God is treated as a formula and not a living and perfect Father/Creator/redeemer.

The book shows how Jesus had certain boundaries, and that we should have boundaries also for our own protection. Very nice. BUT! In daily life, boundaries can also be used to escape from obligations. Many scenarios in this series refer to people who simply want to escape obligations. When times get really difficult, one can use the idea of a "boundary" in very self-serving ways. Jonah had a boundary when he decided not to go to Ninivah. The disciples had boundaries that prevented them from standing up as witnesses when Jesus went to trial. The men that threw the prostitute at the feet of Jesus for Judgment had a boundary that prevented them from seeing their own faults.

Sometimes life isn't fun.

IMHO, this is just another "Self Help Religious book" with some funky attitudes. The attitude I'm referring to says, "If you are not a smiling, peace filled, person who "feels" forgiven - then you are not a Christian. You need to be fixed to match the pattern." As if the Formula God creates the formula person to live a formula life. Nothing in real life is EVER as simple as the scenes in this book.

I've been through this course with a class of people who, like me, were looking for answers. Since there is a bit of each "drama" in each classmate's life, each answer "almost" fits. This leaves people confused. People often have to take the class many times before they "get it". It's like taking a math class that teaches that 1+2 != 3. The student may have to take that class over a few times before they finally surrender and agree.

My conclusion: If it doesn't SEEM to make sense, then it probably doesn't make sence.

One more thing FWIW:

I've noticed that there are many good intentioned people that start ministries to help people grow in Christ. After a while, these ministries become corporations, and all corporations exist with the one goal of survival. This forces the production of more merchandise even if the corporation has nothing more to say. I can imagine that it would be difficult to say, "we've achieved our goal and have no need to continue this ministry".

Perhaps St. Peter would say, "Given enough time, all ministries will advance to the level of their own......."

Rating:
Summary: Best book on this subject available
Review: This is the best book on boundaries available, period. As a therapist I refer people to the best books I can find on the subject. Cloud and Townsend speak and write very well, on this subject or any other.