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Summary: Synopsis:
Review: While co-dependency was the buzzword of the 1980s, boundaries may be the word for the 1990s. According to authors and clinical psychologists, Henry Cloud and John Townsend, a boundary is defined as one's personal property line and delineates those things for which he or she is responsible. The premise of their book, Boundaries, and its accompanying workbook, is that a great number of psychological, spiritual, and relational disorders have boundary conflicts at their core. This Gold Medallion award-winning book seeks to present a biblical treatment of boundaries, identifies how boundaries are developed and how they become disrupted, illustrates misconceptions of their function and purpose, targets boundary conflicts, and gives a program for developing and maintaining healthy limits.
Boundaries affect all areas of our lives:
· Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us, how, and when.
· Mental boundaries give us freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions.
· Emotional boundaries help us deal with our own emotions and disengage us from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others.
· Spiritual boundaries help us distinguish God's will from our own and give us renewed awe for our Creator.
The Boundaries Workbook, available separately, provides practical, non-theoretical exercises that will help set healthy boundaries with parents, spouses, children, freidns, co-workers, and even yourself
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Summary: "A man's gotta know his limitations" as Clint Eastwood says
Review: If you have the nagging feeling that others control your life, Boundaries will help. Their premise is simple: If we want to have some control over our feelings and actions, we have to set limits (boundaries). The examples they use are drawn from both biblical, and clinical references. Written in a somewhat academic style. The authors bring God and the Bible into the center of the self-help industry. It could change the way you view christian charity.
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Summary: Turning my life around
Review: As a Christian, I continually struggled with feeling depressed from being a doormat, and being nice because it was "part of the abundant Christian life." Everyone spoke about Christianity as being a joyful, full life that I would love and never want to return to the secular world. Then why did I feel so miserable? Why did the secular world seem so appealing, where I could be as nasty and selfish as I wanted to? The answer was in "Boundaries". As I read the book, I could identify with something in every chapter. I'm the type of person who will let everyone else step all over me to keep themselves happy. As long as I didn't raise a ruckus, and the peace was kept, everything was okay, right? WRONG! Inside I was always seething with anger, and I was livid with the fact that I had to continually step out of the way for everyone else while they ran right over me. Through reading this book, I realized that it's OK to set boundaries in all interactions; in fact, I now believe that it would be wrong NOT to set boundaries in things. Slowly but surely, with the help from this book's message, I've been setting boundaries for a happier life that's filled with more peace, joy, and abundance than ever.
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Summary: okay but it is not the gospel
Review: I have read this book twice at very different points in my life. I hated it then I found it to be helpful. how can this be? this book is the advice of man. it is NOT the bible no matter how many bible verses one can find. God does not give formulas. there are times and seasons for everything. there are times to just love unconditionally and not say a word. there are times to confront. to try and pour them all into the same mold will lead to disaster. comparable to this book there are also many many books out there that advise you with problem relationships to just keep on loving and not say a word. I do not doubt that they are not lying when they hold out glowing testimonies..scripture supports both approaches...perhaps that is because at different times and with different people different things work. oh how to know the difference...that is what prayer is for. if you walk close with God you will not need to read books like "boundaries" because God will lead you to the right course of action for every situation.
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Summary: Very Well Done
Review: The authors do a great job of simplifying complex relationship issues. I have recommended it to two clients and one has gained a great deal of self-awareness from it. The book superbly connects psychological principles with Christian scripture. I am not particularly attracted to this style but those who read scripture will get that added bonus. In any case, the book stands on it's psychological merits. At times the book seems to repeat itself but that's a matter of individual tastes and needs.
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Summary: dangerous
Review: I used to read books like this and would get something out of them. In this case, that I need to set boundaries, say no to people who ask for help, avoid people who will take advantage of me, and so forth. For some reason it just doesn't feel right. I mean, we're all sinners. God sure does put up with a lot of our crap. And he does so on a minute by minute basis. And yet, according to this book, I am to put up boundaries to keep people from taking advantage of ME. Does anyone else notice that "me" word in there? Since when is the Christian walk about me? It is not. But these guys feel that you should protect yourself from other people. Other people? I could have sworn that Jesus did not set boundaries, except from maybe the pharisees-oh, wait, he still did talk to them and tried to get them to understand. So I guess he did not set boundaries, at least not the ones that Townsend and Co. are talking about. He helped the blind, the lame, the sick, Jews, a Roman Centurion, a woman in an adulterous relationship-I could go on. And he did all this without complaint. If we have one of these boundaries 5 star reviewers in Jesus' time doing the same miracles I'm sure they would have told at least one person that that person violated their boundaries and that they would not be helping them as a result. What a shame. Whatever happened to prayer and Bible reading? If you feel that you are in a bind, perhaps you should go take your problem to God. It sure is a lot better than setting up boundaries. God's gift is something we did not earn. I'm sure that if God Himself had boundaries, there would be no Christianity, because our constant failings would probably violate his boundaries. No wonder there is such coldness in many chuches. They went off and read this book and came to the conclusion that most of the people in their lives are harmful and need to be avoided. Avoiding people is not a message of Christ. Christians are supposed to be an example. We're called to love others, even people we don't like. We're called to serve others and give to others. We're told we're supposed to get along, that we are not supposed to cause our brothers and sisters in Christ to stumble. Alienating your friends, by the way, may cause some of them to stumble. We are supposed to love others as Christ loves us. He accepted us long before we accepted him, and he did not care about what we had done or whether we violated His boundaries. (Don't believe me? Start reading Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Acts, and Romans, for beginners). This book lacks both mercy and grace. God showed those to us, why can't we show that to others? The message I got from this book is that I am too merciful and friendly; I need to set boundaries so that I can protect myself from other people. Notice that me again. The Christian walk is not about us, it's about God. This book is not Biblical, it's harmful. It causes dissention in churches and in families. When I read this book some years ago and honestly went through it, it informed me that I needed to ditch my best friend and my parents. With what little Biblical knowledge I possessed at the time, I knew that it had to be wrong. For the Bible says flat out that you are supposed to honor your father and your mother. Had I honored the advice in this book, I would have been in a world of hurt, isolated from my parents and best friend. This book is awful, and should not be used in churches. It causes coldness and unfriendliness as people decide to ignore and avoid others in their lives because they are "hurting" them.
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Summary: Helpful
Review: I found this a very helpful book for my marriage. I have read through the chapter on Boundaries and Marriage several times. My wife and I have found it to be a great help in teaching us how to set appropriate boundaries for ourselves in the context of Christian marriage.
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Summary: Disappointed- so far short of what Christianity offers
Review: This book is a psychology textbook with some bible verses plugged into it. Pyschology sometimes parallels the Bible, but many times takes a very humanistic turn. These Christian authors did not or would not discern the difference. The basic ideas of knowing your limits are good, especially if you have grown up not understanding the blessing and gift of boundaries in your life. They consistently suggest drawing lines in your life and expecting people to respect them, but they never come out and say that God has to define where your need to draw the lines and then more times than not you have to let Him defend them. By not clarifying this, the reader is left with a void that is filled with whatever they feel like the boundary should be. There are times when God will ask you to do something that you don't think you have the strength, time and/or money to do, but you do it because your Savior is asking you to and He will provide the resources. It would have been so much more helpful to today's church if instead of writing 300 pages of psychology definitions with some scripture, they would have written 25 pages on basic, biblical priorities (i.e. knowing what has eternal value), hearing the voice of God, and understanding fear of man verses fear of God (i.e. caring what God says about the situation verses what people are thinking or saying about you).
One last thought, they suggest a support group or therapist to help with a "boundaryless" life; I have found that having Jesus Christ do his simple work of convicting,forgiving,healing and then strengthening is far more effective then even years of professional counseling.
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Summary: Take back your life and find freedom
Review: This is a book about taking back control of your life by setting boundaries for yourself and others. It focuses on the problem of boundaries for Christians in particular. For example, if Christians are supposed to be loving and helpful to their neighbors then at what point are you supposed to say "No" to something they want or need? Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend help lead the reader through the process of setting up appropriate personal boundaries that define who you are and how you will interact with others.
The authors are right on target with their ten laws of boundaries and eight myths about boundaries. If you can follow these laws and dispel these myths you will go a long way toward reclaiming your life and finding happiness. The section on boundaries and your family is also excellent and shows the authors' depth of understanding about family dynamics. Other specific areas discussed include boundaries and your friends, boundaries and your spouse, boundaries and your children, boundaries and your work, boundaries and your self, and even boundaries and God.
This is an excellent book and is highly recommended to help everyone set appropriate boundaries in their life. While it was published in 1992, Boundaries is still often recommended by Christian and Pastoral counselors and timeless in its application to the human condition.
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Summary: Biblically Sound Permission for Christians to Set Limits
Review: While many of us, Christian or not, have trouble setting limits on the behavior of others, and often feel guilty when we do, many Christians seem to have a unique dilemma in that they believe setting limits to be something the Lord does not approve of- something they have no right to do.
"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for TEACHING, REBUKING, CORRECTING, and TRAINING IN RIGHTEOUSNESS"...2 Timothy 3:16.
"If your brother sins, REBUKE him, and if he repents, forgive him"...Luke 17:3
In the Book of Ezekiel, we are taught to rebuke both evil people, and those who have always been good, but are now doing something wrong. Regarding wicked people, Ezekiel says:
"Son of Man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. When I say to a wicked man,'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself."...Ezekiel 3:17-19
The Scripture then goes on to instruct us regarding those we consider to be good (righteous), but who are now doing something they should not be doing. This could apply to family members or friends:
"Again, when a righteous man turns from his righteousness and does evil, and I put a stumbling block before him, he will die. Since you did not warn him, he will die for his sin. The righteous things he did will not be remembered, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the righteous man not to sin and he does not sin, he will surely live because he took warning, and you will have saved yourself."...Ezekiel 3: 20-21.
"Rebuking" is something we are taught to do in the Bible, and yet many Christians feel guilty for doing it.
"Warn a divisive person once, and then warn him a second time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be sure such a man is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned:..Titus 3:10-11
It is a common misconception that Christians have to patiently tolerate all kinds of abuse from others, or risk being labeled "un-Christian." Many who are unfamiliar with scripture believe this to be so, when in fact, we are scripturally admonished to stand up to evil. As adults, we are not to consider ourselves under the spiritual dominion of any man, but only God.
A wrongdoer will typically defend himself by telling us we "can't judge him" because the "Bible says we can't". Such a person is failing to make the distinction between "judging" and "rebuking". Rebuke is not judgment, it is reprimand and correction.
In "Boundaries", not all of the people who need limits set on their behavior can be called "evil", although some can. Most can be referred to as manipulative, controlling or even abusive.
This book gives Christians what they have trouble believing they are entitled to- permission, from a Biblical perspective, to set limits on the behavior they will tolerate in their presence.
The authors are Christian psychologists and writers and Zondervan is a Christian publishing house. Boundaries is a winner of the Gold Medallion Book Award in Recognition of Excellence in Evangelical Christian Literature, and is Biblically-based. It is well-known in the secular world as well, having been discussed on national talk shows, and it has sold over 700,000 copies.
The book discusses setting limits in many areas of your life, including at work, at home, with your parents, spouse, children, friends, etc. It answers many difficult questions, such as, 'Can I set limits and still be a loving person?', 'Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries?', 'Are boundaries selfish?', and 'What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries?'
Boundaries lists and talks about the Ten Laws of Boundaries, such as The Law of Sowing and Reaping, The Law of Responsibility, The Law of Respect, The Law of Envy, and The Law of Power. It defines what a boundary is and discusses how to set boundaries in your life.
The book also includes information on how others will react when you set limits, and the types of resistance you may encounter. For example, regarding 'Angry Reactions', we are told, 'The most common form of resistance one gets from the outside is anger. People who get angry at others for setting boundaries have a character problem. Self-centered, they think the world exists for them and their comfort. They see others as extensions of themselves....'
Boundaries grants us permission to stand up for ourselves and others against those who do not respect people, while giving us the freedom to do so without feeling guilty. This book will take you step-by-step through setting and enforcing your boundaries. It is an excellent resource for those who are just learning to stand up for themselves.
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