Rating: 
Summary: Worth your time...
Review: "Should You Leave" is Peter Kramer's contribution to the "Self-Help
and Relationships" genre. There is cleverness working on several
levels as he goes from one anecdotal narrative to the next as so many
other books written by psychologists have done. But Kramer's goal is
not to give advice, it's to make the reader stop and think about what
advice is in the first place. He also builds on the themes he first
developed in "Listening To Prozac" and goes into the problem of how
undiagnosed depression can poison relationships and bring people to
the edge of divorce. The only real criticism you can level at this
book is that it was written because of the success of "Listening To
Prozac" and doesn't really have a strong reason to exist, other than
to provide Kramer with the opportunity to meander though several
themes for no other reason then that they are of interest to him as a
therapist. In the end he pulls off the rather clever trick of writing
a "Psychological Advice Book" that's a treatise on the nature of
psychology and of advice, but no real advice is provided, just a lot of
shrewd observations and food for thought. Do you think that's just a
little too clever? If so then you can skip this book, but if you're
still interested, good for you because you're in for a treat. This
book has better and more insightful psychological writing then you're
likely to find in any other dozen books on the subject. I have no
trouble recommending it.
Rating: 
Summary: What you'd like to hear from a good friend
Review: After listening to the audio cassette I have more clarity in answering the question for myself. Dr. Kramer gives the kind of non-advice I would like to hear from a good friend, someone who knows me, regards me positively, and wants the best for me. Burt Schneider,co-author, "Sex, Lies, and Forgiveness."
Rating:
Summary: Destined to be a classic
Review: An absolute gem of a book I almost missed because I couldn't bear the thought of yet another sappy self-help book. Described as part fiction, part non-fiction, part self-help, Kramer puts together scenarios that seem all too familiar, and then cleverly analyzes them in the second person, writing to "you" instead of an impersonal someone else, so that you are forced to engage with the different situations and personalities where they fit and discard the rest. That's how he gives advice, without directly giving advice, and the experience overall is very rewarding. (And he is clear that his tendency is to stay, not to leave -- although he is also clear about when and why to leave as well.) On top of it all, it is very engagingly written -- Kramer is a writer first, and a psychiatrist second, and it is fascinating to read in such a clear context about the many historical and philosophical references that he has devoted a lifetime to reading (and I probably never will). For those on the fence in an important relationship and wanting a useful tool to help understand how you got there and how to move forward, without spending weeks in intensive therapy, this book is the best help money can buy -- and the lessons you will keep for a lifetime. For all that, I still can't write a review that gives this book its due.
Rating: 
Summary: Meandering tome of non-advice
Review: Began reading this book on a long plane flight. I slogged through 200 pages and gave up. I could learn more about relationships by eavesdropping on the couples arguing around me (and the two flight attendants bickering over chores). Dr. Kramer chooses to look mostly at childless couples, which immediately takes the bite out of the "should you leave" question. Then he proceeds from a position (never stated) that it is always better to be in a relationship than to be a solitary (independent) person. He never examines why his fictional clients feel lost and unfulfilled when they are "between" relationships. He assumes that if they leave one relationship, they will soon be in another. Look, there is a life besides coupledom, and if you cannot recognize that, you should not be writing about stay-or-go situations. You don't clearly understand the alternatives. Dr. Kramer's photo on the book jacket makes him look very soulful and caring, but the book is pontificating, scholarly and pretentious. Reading this book is like listening to my father discourse on how the "schwa" vowel is written in fifteen different languages and dialects. How do you say - boring?
Rating:
Summary: Read it too late
Review: His writing is enjoyable to read and the content is very thought provoking. He values the committed relationship and never over-simplifies the many facets at work when a relationship is at a crossroads. There is helpful information about the role of depression when relationships lose their energy. I recommend this book to all people in a relationship whether the relationship is in trouble or not. I don't know if it's just my vantage point, but had I read this book before my relationship ended, we might have had a better chance of salvaging it.
Rating:
Summary: Good Book, But not an Easy Read
Review: I listened to the audiobook, and frankly I had to re-wind a few times to understand what Dr. Kramer was saying. It was almost like having an insider's view of what psychiatrists think, the thought processes they go through when deciding what techniques to use with patients. This book takes patience, but if you have the patience to re-wind or re-read, it is highly worth it. It was interesting to hear him talk about directive vs. non-directive approaches to therapy and when each is most applicable. I would have liked to see him include more examples of couples with children having problems. It seemed like a lot of his examples included childless couples. Also, a lot of his examples included those high on the socio-economic scale, which may turn off Johnny Lunchbox and Susie Middleclass. I wish he would have included more about Rogerian therapy, and it's non-directive nature. I also would have found some more references to religion interesting. All in all...it was a good book. A lot of thought went into the work, and I can certainly tell Dr. Kramer majored in English in college. Perhaps he would be better at writing fiction..just a thought. Jeffrey McAndrew
author of "Our Brown-Eyed Boy"
Rating:
Summary: Good Book, But not an Easy Read
Review: I listened to the audiobook, and frankly I had to re-wind a few times to understand what Dr. Kramer was saying. It was almost like having an insider's view of what psychiatrists think, the thought processes they go through when deciding what techniques to use with patients. This book takes patience, but if you have the patience to re-wind or re-read, it is highly worth it. It was interesting to hear him talk about directive vs. non-directive approaches to therapy and when each is most applicable. I would have liked to see him include more examples of couples with children having problems. It seemed like a lot of his examples included childless couples. Also, a lot of his examples included those high on the socio-economic scale, which may turn off Johnny Lunchbox and Susie Middleclass. I wish he would have included more about Rogerian therapy, and it's non-directive nature. I also would have found some more references to religion interesting. All in all...it was a good book. A lot of thought went into the work, and I can certainly tell Dr. Kramer majored in English in college. Perhaps he would be better at writing fiction..just a thought. Jeffrey McAndrew
author of "Our Brown-Eyed Boy"
Rating:
Summary: Deepest Thoughts on the Subject in Print
Review: I was a bit skeptical about this book as it was written by a psychiatrist, not a profession I normally hold in highest regard. However, I was greatly impressed by the depth of thought and the insights offered by the author. I've read it twice so far and have referred back ot it several times since. I'll probably re-read it again. I've also given several copies to friends (and lovers) who I thought could profit from it. Its not your typical "Cosmo" advice or how-to book. Instead it offers the richness of psychoanalytic thought on the subject of relationships in a format that can be exploited by a careful, intelligent reader. Warning - its not an easy read. The concepts are subtle and the prose not always perfectly tight. It does get its points across that things are not always as they seem, that emotions often master reason, and that values and practicality matter. This is the richest, most valuable book on loving relations I've read.
Rating:
Summary: Maybe this, maybe that....
Review: Imagine two plumbers. One has been in the business 25 years. He might not be much to look at, but as you watch him work you realize he knows just what to do. As he successfully finishes a job you find yourself thinking you have really found a gem and if you ever have another problem you will be sure to call him back. The other is a fellow you happen to meet months later. At first you are impressed with what he has to say. He's got theories, but after a while you notice he has other theories too. He's a maze of theories. He's got so much to talk about you begin to wonder if they opened up a new Ph.D. program for plumbers at the local university and he's going for the degree. But as time goes on you notice he seems more interested in weighing the merits of various approaches to plumbing than actually getting a job done, and you begin to wonder how many times this guy has actually held a wrench. About a third of the way through this book I realized the author is like the second plumber. Does this guy have any real world knowledge, or is he so lost in sorting out the various opinions of famous psychiatrists he cites that he never really connects with reality? Without doubt, this is a book the author was reluctant to write. Or perhaps embarrassed to write is closer. Psychiatrists have a seriously held belief that they should not give advice. We spend Chapter One listening to the author's tortured reasoning about why this is so. Obviously, after his bestseller on Prozac, the author was approached to write a popular "advice" book for people in relationships, but he was terribly reluctant to do so. What would his serious friends think? So here is a book written by a fellow who really felt uncomfortable putting it out. As a result, he pulls his punches, ruminates, refers as much as possible to the serious writings of famous psychiatrists, and never really manages to speak to the reader from a position of actual knowledge and address the questions the reader is most interested in. But don't take my word for it. Notice these snippets from the reviews Amazon posts above the reader reviews: "Expect no authoritative voice...." "...translating complex schools of clinical thought" "Although nontechnical, it wasn't exactly easy reading...." "...Kramer's discursive (really, rather gassy) style." "...look at the many- layered complexities of intimacy" "...neat literary trick." "...then recasts them over and over in various theoretical and therapeutic molds..." "In the guise of trying to give advice...." "Kramer simultaneously explores the near-impossibility of giving advice: People are ultimately unknowable, their situations too complex...." Now, if you go back and read these reviews, instead of just the snippets, you'll see they are generally positive. The author is just too famous and too well educated for the reviewers to come out and say the book is bad, and besides he quotes Freud a lot. This is one of the best cases of "The King with No Clothes" I've seen. But the little quotes, here and there, reveal what the reviewers really think. They were not impressed either.
Rating:
Summary: Highest recommendations!
Review: Kramer's book title can be misleading at times. He gives an overview of very different relationship problems without the additional complication of children involved. He focuses on solutions within the partnership on the grounds that unsolved problems get carried over into the new relationship, and if it should not work out, essential relationship skills will have been acquired. He illustrates his cases with plenty of psychological history from Freud to Bowen including film, music and historical novels. While at times a bit tough to read, Kramer does break up the theories with practical applications. He provides explicit insight into the thought pattern of the psychiatrist and the professional- to- patient relationship. Kramer provides a very balanced approach of using drugs in therapy compared to cognitive approaches (he is the author of Listening to Prozac) which is quite refreshing. Don't expect a pre-digested self-help book with step- by- step instructions but an overall food for thought pattern that will keep your thoughts flowing until you can figure out the most helpful approach for yourself together with a psychiatrist like Kramer who knows that you need advice and guidance more than a yearlong travel back into your childhood. This is the absolute best book I have ever read about analysis, the reasons of heading into it, the dynamics of professional vs. patient relationship and the bigger picture of "where are we going in this relationship". A definite must for everyone in therapy, client or professional.
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