Raising Cain : Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys

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Summary: Raising a boy? Know a man? This book is for you!
Review: This book is valuable for everyone who has ever been or known a boy or man (okay, everyone). It addresses the needs and experiences of boys and men and how they relate to emotional literacy. It includes many real-life examples from the authors' practices. It discusses how societal stereotypes (and their enforcement in various social settings) hinder boys in their ability to be happy, humane members of society and their capacity for intimacy in all its forms. It also explains how this information relates to various topics, such as friends, mothers and sons, fathers and sons, drug and alcohol use, depression, violence, sexuality and relationships.

I bought it a few months after my son was born and I have read it 3 times now. I plan on reading it every year, just to remind myself of the important principles outlined in it. Not only is it helping me understand and better respond to my son, it has helped me understand my husband, father, brothers, in-laws, etc. I find I can accept and respect male differences and needs better now that I understand what it means to grow up male in American society.

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Summary: A "Must Read" for Every Parent or Teacher of Boys!
Review: This extraordinarily insightful, easy to read book will benefit any parent or teacher of boys. As I read it the first time, I was amazed by how honestly, truthfully and succinctly it described the challenges boys face. As the father of two boys, this is my bible. It is a reminder to celebrate the spirit of young boys and watch out for ways in which that exuberance can be stifled by parents, schools and other children. Armed with the knowledge contained in this essential guide to raising boys, parents will have greatly improved their chances of having a close connection with their developing boy and ending up with a man who is emotionally whole.

This book may be of most value to women because it gives them insight into the lives of boys (and men) that are not otherwise available to women. For all the love my wife feels for our sons, she -- like all women -- has no first-hand knowledge of what it is like to be a boy. Instead, she (mis)interpreted our sons' behavior in light of her experience growing up as a girl, and by comparing it to stereotypes about boy behavior. This remarkable book gives women a unique opportunity to stand in their son's shoes and see the world from their perspective.

Raising Cain merits the highest recommendation.

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Summary: For your son's sake, read this book
Review: I cried when I read about the types of pain that boys and men feel, but don't usually express easily or as naturally as women do. This book gave me insight into why some of the adult males in my life have acted as they have and it helped me to want to help another generation NOT be stifled emotionally.

The book also encouraged me as a former single parent, which I had been for most of my son's life. My son is 15 now and although I've remarried recently, my son and I are still close and he knows that I will ALWAYS be here for him to unload on. I'm eternally grateful to God that the authors helped me to know that despite the mistakes I've made with my son, I also have done some things right: he still loves me and still needs me in many ways. And he always will.

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Summary: Grateful that I've discovered this book
Review: A few months ago, I read Reviving Ophelia on the recommendation of my wife (a psychologist) and a friend (a social worker). I was frankly stunned at the insight I gained in reading it. I immediately ordered a copy of my own, and in the process discovered Raising Cain. And just like Reviving Ophelia, I read it completely through. As a man, with strong memories of my adolescence, the book resonates with me. The stories it presents of the adolescent indoctrination into male culture (the "Big Impossible" as it's referred to throughout the book) ring true in a personal way. I "knew" many of the boys that they're referring to and who tell their stories. These were my associates, my classmates, my friends. And the more I read, the more I recalled of that period. Kindlon and Thompson present their story in the same basic structure as Pipher in Reviving Ophelia; as a series of topics that can greatly influence a young man, using vignettes of particular children and their stories to develop understanding and insight. And again, these are powerful vehicles for communication; presenting stories of strength and power in the face of unbelievable adversity. Just as powerful, is the understanding it brings as to how and why a child who's been continually disenfranchised can lash out against others (I find I'm in particular agreement with the authors after having been on the minority end of discussions about school killings such as Colombine). The most important contribution of this book; however, is to those who don't (and can't) understand what male culture can do to shape a child. I'm continually at the receiving end (and mostly the participating end) of jokes about the inability of a man to express a real emotion or feeling. While most of it is joking, it's clear that for two close female friends (one an only child and one with the closest siblings 15 years their senior) and my spouse (with three brothers, the youngest 16 years older than she) there really isn't any understanding of what it's like growing up to be indoctrinated as a man. Hopefully this book can provide some measure of understanding to those who haven't experienced this first-hand. And what of those of us who have experienced it? Hopefully this book provides both some reminder of what it was like growing up in that environment as well as providing some hope that it's possible to grow beyond the expectations of that environment. For while strength is important, it must be tempered with compassion. And it's up to us to make sure it happens.

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Summary: An excellent book about understanding and helping boys.
Review: As a colleague of Michael Thompson, co-author with Dan Kindlon of the forthcoming book Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys, I had the chance to read a pre-publication copy of the manuscript, and I recommend it highly. The book is well-written, engaging, informative, and thought-provoking. It is unusual for two pyschologists to write so well for the general public, without talking down to them and without being too academic. Raising Cain reviews the latest research about boys, gives rich and poignant anecdotes, offers a profound understanding of the depth of situation for boys in our society, and makes helpful suggestions for parents and teachers. Raising Cain covers a wide range of topics, from boys' emotional lives (the way they are untrained in reading and expressing emotions) to their early school years (which the authors refer to as "thorns among roses," referring to the way boys often fail to fit in or thrive in early elementary school) to the role of mothers (who try hard to stay connected to their sons in the face of overwhelming pressures on boys to separate) and the role of fathers (too often absent, at least emotionally, from the lives of sons). Another chapter discusses the fact that boys are more likely to be subjected to harsh discipline, and offers a variety of alternatives. There are also chapters on boys and romance, alcohol and drug use, depression and withdrawal. My favorite chapter, and the one that distinguishes this book from other recent books about boys, is on 'the culture of cruelty,' about what boys do to each other, espcially in early adolescence. Despite many efforts by paretns and educators, boys attack each other physically and emotionally, enforcing narrow definitions of masculinity and sexuality, leaving many boys scarred guarded, and lonely. The unique perspective of Raising Cain is that boys, for many reasons, impose these conditions on each other--it doesn't all come from the media or the broader culture. Several recent books have covered roughly similar territory, with a shared concern for the welfare of boys. Unlike Michael Gurian's book, Raising Cain rejects the idea that the 'boy-brain' is somehow ill-equipped to handle emotions. Though boys' biology does play a role, its contribution to boys clipped, withdrawn style is small compared to the role of socialization--boys are systematically pressured to shut down and shut others out. Unlike William Pollack's book, Raising Cain does not argue that mothers abandon their sons prematurely--rather, Kindlon and Thompson argue that the culture drives them apart, while most mothers strive mightily to stay connected, and keep trying even when they are confused and bewildered. Meanwhile, they describe boys having a 'hole in their soul' from their lack of a close emotional connection with men, starting with their fathers. I understand that Raising Cain will be available in early April--it is worth the wait.

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Summary: Awesome
Review: An absolute must-read for ALL parents of both boys AND girls. Being a feminist, I had to keep reminding myself that when we take care of our boys we also take care of our girls. It has transformed the ways I look at my son and also my husband and other men in my life.
Along with Reviving Ophelia it should be mandatory reading for all parents!(...)

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Summary: Invaluable insight about boys (and subsequently men)
Review: Raising Cain is a powerful and enlightening book co-authored by two prominent child psychologists who set out to comprehensively explore the way boys suffer and what causes them emotional pain. Not surprisingly, the book is written for parents of boys as well as teachers, but it also has overwhelming relevance for anyone who desires to understand why many boys act the way they do-and what we can do to help them with their emotional struggles.

The salient issue interlaced throughout the book is the need for boys to obtain an emotional vocabulary and emotional literacy that affords them the capability to read and understand their own emotions, as well as others. Thompson and Kindlon repeatedly point out that not only are many boys never encouraged to be emotional, but also, they are taught to suppress such feelings by a culture that expects them to be "manly". It is difficult to argue with that observation. The "emotional miseducation" of boys begins early, at home and in the classroom, and there is a need to provide the proper "emotional steering" for boys so that they understand that expressing emotion is indeed normal and okay to do.

Among the various solutions Thompson and Kindlon suggest to help boys develop strong, flexible, emotional lives is to give them permission to have an internal life, full of unbridled emotion. We need to help them to develop and to obtain an emotional vocabulary to better understand themselves and to communicate more effectively with others. Ultimately, we need to let boys know that there are numerous ways to "be a man".

Raising Cain is an extremely rich work, full of poignant case studies and examples of boys today that evoked memories-some sad and regretful-of my own adolescence. As a parent of two young boys and an aspiring middle school teacher, this book will be referred to again and again as various developmental issues surface in the boys that I encounter. It is an invaluable reminder of the importance of cultivating emotional awareness in boys and what we can do as adults to help foster that growth. I would even suggest that it be required reading for any educator who has even one boy in his or her classroom. The insight presented within Raising Cain as well as the intervention suggestions posed by Thompson and Kindlon offers the reader with the tools to make a positive difference in a boy's life.

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Summary: The most important book I've ever read!
Review: This book is a must-read for anyone raising a boy -- ESPECIALLY fathers. I'm so glad that I've read this book while my son is still an infant.

Not only have I learned a lot about what it will be like for my son growing up, but it helped me connect to myself. So much of this book brought me back to events in my own childhood and helped me understand more about myself. There are so many things that I wouldn't have realized had I not read this book.

Having read this book I feel much better prepared to be an understanding and emotionally nurturing father to my son. This will be a gift that I will give to any of my friends who are currently raising a young boy or are about to have a boy.

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Summary: essential resource for mothers, caregivers and teachers
Review: While I think men and the parents of daughters would also benefit from reading this book, I want to emphasize that as a woman and the parent of sons this book has become an invaluable resource for me. The authors made many important points about the male experience that were new to me, or vague, and also gave practical ideas and examples for achieving goals or avoiding conceptual traps.

Kindlon and Thompson begin with the story of Cain, which is immediately disorienting. In a good way. I've always been puzzled about why God was so mad? I believe the fruit Cain offered was beautiful, so why was it of lesser value? I never thought God was fair to Cain, though admittedly Cain did react badly. So immediately you're in the state of mind to question perceptions about males as well as male perception (and reaction).

I didn't find any intellectual oneupsmanship over which gender's got it worse. Instead, I saw: Boys are different, and here's what some of the differences are and why that's so, and how you can deal with that. I feel much better prepared for the many talks I hope I'll have with my children over the years. Important talks that I want to be transformative rather than reactionary or alienating.

This isn't just a book for the parents of adolescent boys, either. The authors make the point many times that giving boys an emotional education is imperative -- teaching them to recognize various emotions as physical cues and with emotional consequences. More importantly, the authors then cite cases from their clinical backgrounds and make down-to-earth suggestions about what to do to catch these problems and help our children. Young boys will benefit from your early introduction of these principles, including: giving a boy an emotional education and letting him have an inner life; recognizing that boys have a higher activity level (amen!) -- and accepting it; communicating with boys in a direct and respectful way, and enlisting them as problem solvers; using discipline that is instructive and fair rather than harsh and crushing; teaching a boy that there are many ways to be a man.

This is a plausible theory informed by clinical experience, but most of all it is a catalog of simple actions that may make a huge difference in your sons' lives. Andrew Vachss' Another Chance to Get It Right, says these things so eloquently. Every day the collective experience of the world is the sum of the choices each of us makes individually. We decide whether to be lazy parents and raise mediocre adults, or do we try to make a golden age, populated by mature, happy adults who have the knowledge and the will to make the world a better place in their turn? Every day you decide whether to spank or to reason, to pressure or to embrace, to train or to teach, to saddle them with our baggage or let them be. Let Vachss' book motivate you and this book instruct you. You and your children will be the better for it.

Well-written, insightful, transformative.

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Summary: Give this to your son's teachers...
Review: I am amazed. As a mother, I am so happy to be currently reading this book. My husband will read it soon. Almost all of my friends are teachers and constantly complain about the boys in their classrooms. I want to buy them this book as it gives such great insight into the lives of boys. Every father should read this book, it should be required reading. If all of our parents and teachers could read this book, we could change our society for the better.. I love boys (5 nephews and 1 extraordinary son!) and want them to be strong, emotionally savvy individuals. Read it and then remember it.(And do something about it to make a difference to your son/nephew/student). Great book!