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Summary: be careful with reviews
Review: I mostly decided to write this review to warn others not to trust reviews by people they don't know...For example, martinlady from Pennsylvania rated this book two stars, although it is plainly obvious that she did not read the entire book because otherwise she would understand that the book was written in such a way that each TYPE of family was REPRESENTED by the "story of one child of divorce's life" (ie. Karen, Larry, etc.). The author makes clear in the beginning of the book that these are her best/extreme/generalized cases. They are not real people, but a conglomerate of many children's lives who were all raised in similar familes. Obviously, there are divorced families in which one or both of the parents aren't emotionally unhealthy and/or don't slack on parenting after divorce. The author recognizes this, and states numerous times that children of divorce who had one parent who recovered well and kept parenting as their main concern did indeed adjust better as adults. People who skim books should not write reviews. I did read the book cover to cover, and I in fact am a child of divorce who had a WONDERFUL childhood. Even though I didn't have to take over as caretaker as "Karen" did, or witness violence/disrespect between my parents as "Larry" and "Paula" did, I still found the book to be extremely comforting and eye-opening. I also found it to be very well-written - the idea to personify different types of extreme divorce situations in separate characters makes the book very easy to read. How else would you put together and generalize the results of a 25 year study on over 100 unique individuals from over 100 different families? A must read for all children of divorce.
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Summary: I needed this book!
Review: I fit the profile of the "adult kids" in Dr. Wallerstein's study--my parents divorced in the mid-70s when I was an adolescent--and I was enlightened, challenged, and comforted to read of her findings. This book helped me understand why I am the way I am--especially regarding unexpected emotional reactions to certain things. (It helped me to explain some of my previously inexplicable fears to my husband, too!) It's a bit long to wade through if you're not an avid reader. But if you are an adult child of divorce and are the tiniest bit introspective, it's well worth the investment of your time.I think it would also be helpful for anyone who is a divorced parent; the grandparent or stepparent of kids of divorce; or a parent considering divorce. (You might not like what you read, but this book will give you insights into the challenges your kids are facing--and will face for the rest of their lives--and can better equip you to meet their needs.) This is the most helpful book I've read in a long time.
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Summary: Great Book
Review: I would strongly suggest anyone going through a divorce or anyone being a child of divorce to read this book.
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Summary: Uncovering the lie, that divorce is ok for the children!
Review: Uncovering the lie, that divorce is ok for the children, Now what do you do about it! Having just gone through the break up of a 7 year relationship, I wanted to understand what the impact was on my 5 year old daughter. After searching through several books to read, I found Wallerstein's presentation of a series of comparisons of children growing up in the divorced culture versus intact and even problem marriages to be unique. It was like looking in the mirror and seeing your relationship with your ex discussed from the childs perspective. Case studies that are lacking in many of the other books addressing this subject are presented in detail so that you can understand the initial problems and later stages your child is going through, AND HOW and WHY your child will hide it from you. It does not matter if you have recently divorced or divorced 10 years ago, you will find information that will help you in improving your relationship with your kids. Most importantly I wish someone had recommended this book to me when I was in counseling with my ex. We would have focused harder on what was important to both of us, knowing some of the consequences of what we were about to do(...). This was so important to me that I bought a second copy to give to my ex. I don't want to be one of those parents, whose kid won't talk to them or see them when my child becomes an adult. Wallerstein's book is a litmus test. If you are getting divorced with kids and going to counseling, you need to read this book. After you have read it you need to ask your counselor if they have read it. Your lawyer should read it too, then maybe they would focus on the real issue, the ones that need the most help after a divorce, the kids. Better yet, read this book and don't get divorced in the first place.
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Summary: I Wish My Parents Could Have Read This Book 27 Years Ago!
Review: As a 32 year-old woman that experienced divorce at the age of 5, I must say THANK YOU to Ms. Wallerstein for finally writing a book about my legacy and the legacy of many others who have spent a lifetime suffering from the consequences of divorce. Everything may look okay on the outside, but the true heart of the child of a divorced parent is a broken heart. This book gives a wonderful explanation as to why that is. My spouse, from an intact family, is now understanding why I do the things I do. And better yet, I now understand. We have children ourselves and reading this book has inspired me to not only keep my marriage together, but to do what needs to be done to get beyond my perception of marriage and make a wonderful life for MYSELF. A life that will benefit not only me, but my husband and children as well. Please, if you are a child from a divorced family, invest a few minutes a day reading this book. You will gain a new insight on yourself that will lead you to a better life! If you are a parent considering divorce, don't divorce until you read this book! You may still divorce, but you will have a better understanding of EXACTLY what your child is going to experience. Your actions as a divorced parent will greatly benefit from this read! I wish both my parents could have read this book 27 years ago.
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Summary: Required reading for all parents contemplating divorce!
Review: Simply, this book was painful to read. I saw shades of not only my brothers but myself all throughout this book. As a child of divorce, I heard the stories. "If your parents aren't happy together, that will only hurt you. Apart, they can be happy and be better parents to you." The author demonstrates with real accounts, not propoganda from either side of the political spectrum, that those stories are lies, through and through. Divorce hurts kids, period. Story upon story documents that the parents and the system see children as property to be "FedEx'd" back and forth for visitation. The author argues that children are growing people, and they are the _most_ important part of a marriage. Parents should respect their stewardship of their children and consider what paths they take. The book is also a shot across the bow of every parent contemplating divorce--take a step back and ask yourselves: for whom am I getting this divorce? Except in the most extreme cases of abuse, you act in YOUR interests only, not the children's. They are hurt by it, for many years to come. In summary, it's a profound documentation of the selfishness of divorce and the toll that divorce takes on its most helpless participants, the children.
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Summary: Phenomenal!!
Review: Like many others who have read this book, I always wondered what was wrong with me. I connected with this book and was in tears by the end of the first page. I finally had answers for the reasons that I did so many of the things that I did to sabotage relationships. This is an honest look at how my parents divorce 27 years ago is still affecting me, and my relationships with others.
I agree with other reviews that have stated the demographics of the test group are skewed, but as someone who grew up in this affluent area of California, it made my connection to the book even stronger.
I also agree that not all children are as negatively affected as the book states, but there are always exceptions to the rule, and I think that this book takes a look at how the majority of children are affected.
It may not be the most scientific study on the subject, but it is fabulous in what it does offer. I highly suggest it as a must read for any child of divorce, and as a guide for their parents to help them overcome some of the negative psychological effects of divorce which affect the majority of children.
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Summary: Important for EVERYONE - schools, parents, judges, kids
Review: I stumbled upon this book while doing research for a paper I was writing about the advantages and disadvantages of single parenting. So many people quoted this book that I decided to buy it and read it for myself. It came yesterday and once I opened it, I could not put it down and read the entire thing in one evening. The book has been criticed as unscientific because it only followed about 100 people for the full 25 years of the study. However, I'm 25 now, and I can safely say that the book was right on target with absolutely everything. Wallerstein described her findings of following children from divorced families from the time of divorce through their adulthood - a full 25 years! I never thought I was affected by the divorce of my own parents - just really accepted my reality as quite normal. I identified with each section of the book and was shocked to find myself crying on many pages. Most psychological studies use statistics and questionaires withe check-boxes to compile data. Wallerstein got to actually KNOW each child/adult and was able to share their experiences with the world. Usually, I find "self-help" books to be corny, and not really useful in any way. This book was definitely not a self-help book. It is written with several audiences in mind. Any parent contemplating a divorce should read it. Period. If they do get divorced, they will have a MUCH better understanding of how it might affect their children and will therefore have a basis for mitigating those problems. ALL adult children of divorce shoudl read it. We've got a nation of 20-and30-somethings that are figuring out that they all have strange quirks when it comes to life and relationships, and can't imagine the connection to thier parents. This book goes a long way in explaining those things, and showing several "happy-ending" stories that came from rough starts. Anyone working in the legal profession (lawyers, judges, mediators, spouses) should read it because this book is written mostly for one purpose: to describe how divorce affects the CHILD in the long-term. Despite my own personal experiences, I was surprised to learn how much could be accomplished that benefits children (in the short and long-term) if the people in the legal system just had a deeper understanding of the effects of their actions. Finally, anyone married or seriously invovled with a person whose parents were divorced shoudl read this book to understand "where they're coming from". Only then, when tiny issues and larger issues are recognized, can they be dealt with. As I said, I'm not a particulary troubled person by any means, but this book was helpful beyond what I could have imagined- despite the other great reviews on this site!
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Summary: A sorely needed perspective
Review: This book offers a sorely needed perspective of the children's. It's for parents who are divorced or considering it, children whose parents are divorced and spouses of children of divorce. Our divorce culture inadvertently places the emphasis on the parents, on their rights and their time with kids, their feelings and their perspectives. Few people are able to understand what the children really feel and go through unless they have been through it themselves. Here, Wallerstein does a masterful job of describing how divorce affects children both immediately after the divorce and 25 years later based on first-hand accounts. She also compares those children to their neighbors and friends who grew up in intact families. She points out what struggles they have in relationships and life afterward and what they need to mend properly. A must read for anybody involved with or affected by divorce!
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Summary: Divorce Culture's Lies Revealed!!
Review: The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce is an important book. Using a twenty-five year study the author debunks all of the myths of the divorce culture in which we now live. These lies: that children are resilient and will 'bounce back', that little children don't know what's going on, that when parents are happy their children will be happy, that not fighting in front of children shields them from the effects of divorce, that divorce is a temporary crisis in the child's life, and that as soon as the splitting parents stabalize their lives the children will recover, are demolished point by point. The author demonstrates, through examples in her case studies, that: very little children experience very big feelings about divorce (including rage and fear), that each lifestage a child goes through causes them to re-live the divorce again in some new way, that divorce causes personal and relationship issues for the children well into adulthood, and that the divorce culture is creating a new generation of people who choose not to marry and risk reliving their parents mistakes. The author also takes on the important, if uncomfortable, truth that parents do not usually want to do the work of taking on the issues that their divorce creates for their children. Not fighting in front of the children isn't enough. Children need to be given opportunities to express their anger at having their lives torn apart, their homes and friends snatched away, and time with their parents disappear. The author points out that parents are usually more concerned with dealing with their own issues surrounding the divorce, working on new relationships, and rebuilding their personal social lives. The children of divorce are typically left on their own emotionally, sometimes literally. She also addresses the issue of children having to adjust to new step-parents, lovers, and step-siblings. The problem of competition between children and step parents is also treated with frankness. Children are far too often given short shrift when a new step-parent feels threatened or that the child is taking up too much: time, space, money, attention, etc. The author is admirably blunt in stating that if forced to choose, parents more often than not choose the new spouse over their child. This is an important work that should serve as a wake-up call. Divorce hurts children. Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced, creating more hurt children. Our society cannot survive too many more generations of this cycle before we implode upon ourselves. Read this book.
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