Rating: 
Summary: Crummy - Reprehensible - Abhorrent - Purile
Review: As you can tell from the other interviews this movie is just about the worst film ever made. Let me see how many different words I can use to describe it: Boring - Unbearable - Laughable - Lousy Stupid - Horrible - Insipid - Terrible I could go on with such descriptions but you probably get the point.
Daniel Bernhardt is a horrible actor and has no individual characteristics that make him stand out. I see that he is going to be in both MATRIX sequels. While I loved the MATRIX I now have serious doubts as to the quality of the sequel. I wouldn't watch this film voluntarily but I may make my kids watch it the next time I need to punish them.
Rating:
Summary: Idiocy.
Review: Have you ever seen this movie on television before? I saw it on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I pray that this where it shall only be seen. Why do people produce movies like this? Of course, there exist a few known answers to this question. One is money, another is the intentional stupidity on the part of the filmmakers, i.e. trying to make it ridiculous. But "Future War" doesn't seem to belong to these two branches. No audience will be satisfied by this, not even Action movie buffs, so the prospect of monetary gain can be thrown out the window. It can not be intentionally stupid either, for those kinds of movies are absurd from the first scene to the last, and this movie seems to have scant attempts at human drama. So what is the excuse? An Accident? Good intentions that went horribly wrong? A bad experiment in trying to connect [bad] science fiction with other genres like Action and Drama? I suppose the best answer is that there isn't one. If you don't take my word for it, just listen to the brilliant story, such as it is: A man aptly named Runaway (Daniel Bernhardt), who looks, speaks, fights, and growls like actor Jean-Claude Van Damme, escapes from his desolate "future", accidentally finding solace in our modern era. He is befriended by a former-prostitute-turned-nun who helps the poser learn English. She then listens to Runaway's bizarre tales, primarily concerning his "futuristic origin". Naturally, she does not believe Runaway at first, but it is rather difficult to dismiss his claims after being chased by what can only be described as Dinosaurs with exploding metal collars. The duo join forces with what can only be described as the local gang and set out to demolish the Saurians once and for all. This proves to be quite simple, until Cyborg Master (Robert Z'Dar from "Return to Frogtown") arrives to show Runaway what pain truly feels like. Fighting ensues, it thankfully ends, and one is left confused and speechless. Like another film I reviewed entitled "Neon Maniacs", which is easily on the 10 Worst Films ever made, the driving question of "Future War" can strangely be summed up with one word: Why? Why did Runaway have to depart from his "future"? Was it really "the future"? If Runaway is from our "future", then why does he point to the sky when talking about his origin? Is Runaway trying to grunt the idea that he is from the "future" of another world? Why is this never fully expounded upon? Why does Daniel Bernhardt happen to be a blantant clone of Jean-Claude Van Damme? Why does Bernhardt speak like Van Damme? Also like Van Damme, why does Bernhardt make angry growls after every single punch and kick he bestows upon his enemy? Why is there a subplot involving a reformed prostitute-turned-nun? Why is there a single attempt at character development in a film that otherwise has none? Why is the acting so atrocious? Why does actor Robert Z'Dar always appear in horrible movies? Why are Dinosaurs pursuing Runaway? Once again, which "future" is Runaway from anyway? If Runaway is from Earth's "future", then why do Jurassic organisms follow him from it? If Runaway is from "elsewhere", are the Dinos supposed to be Space Saurians? Was Robert Z'Dar responsible for giving the cute Dinos those nasty exploding collars? Why didn't the T-Rex from Jurassic Park appear to show those Saurian puppets what a REAL Dinosaur looks like? Why does the local gang help Runaway combat the futuristic menace? Why not the horrid metal band GWAR instead? Would it make the movie any less incomprehensible? There is absolutely no meaning to this garbage. It simply goes nowhere. I am shocked and amazed that Van Damme hasn't sued Bernhardt for stealing his image on every level. Yet again, as described before, what audience would ever consciously make it to the end of this mess? The best choice is to leave this smoldering heap on the video shelf. It would be best not even to touch the box, as it may wear off on one's hands and cause 3rd degree burns. So, watch out for that Runaway! Daniel Bernhardt has lost his self-respect, and he's out to [get] yours! You have been warned. FINAL RATING: 0 (Zero) Stars out of 5
FINAL GRADE: F
*Dishonorable Mention: Worst Action Star Clone - Bernhardt*
Rating: 
Summary: So bad,it's good?? It's true!!
Review: I first saw this movie by way of MST3K and I couldn't believe how silly and funny it was-unintentionally so,of course.There are no top-notch actors in this,but plenty of bad effects though..No budget,bad acting,bad dialogue,zero effects-everything you want in a bad movie!! Recommended for lovers of bad movies...See the MST3K version first,if you can,then get this...
Rating: 
Summary: one of the worst movies i've ever seen--i love it!
Review: if i had more money, i'd buy the unMSTed version of this movie. i think it's one of my favorite movies that MST3K ever did, but of my least favorite episodes. mike and the bots are not in top form on this one. the movie is great though. travis brooks stewart is awesome. the whole prostitute-turned-nun subplot was great. the music is really cool too. gratuitous voice-overs, plastic dinosaurs, what more do you want?
Rating:
Summary: 5 starz for the MST3K episode!
Review: In March 2001, I became a loyal fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000. (The first episode I saw was "Puma Man") Well, the first time I saw this horrible film on MST3K, I nearly died laughing! It is probably the most hilarious episode of MST3K in their final season. (Great commentary by Mike and the 'bots) The main synopsis of this putrid filth on film is that these dinos with exploding collers are sent to the future to kill humans and something else involving cyborgs. A Jeane-Claude Van Damme look-alike named Runaway is sent back in time to present day LA and meets up with a prostitute/druggie turned nun who lives in the house of the obese. Runaway then ends up in a crate factory where he confronts this cyborg who actually looks like an insane version of Alan Jackson (Tom Servo makes a point of this) They kickbox each other in a badly choreographed fight, which they end up doing again at the end where Runaway's shirt falls off of him (This scene was the stinger for the MST3K episode) The dinosaurs obviously look plasic, the story goes no where fast, the acting is some of the worst I have ever seen, the pathetic attempt at suspence and drama just falls flat on its face and the cyborg dude is a dumb.... On the big plus side, the stupidy of this film offered tons of hilarious dialogue for Mike and the 'bots and now is one of my favorite episodes. If you have to see this movie, you have to see the MST3K version! I promise you, you won't regret it. (However, for all you MSTies out there, you'll have to catch it on the Sci-Fi channel and tape it because so far it is not available on video or DVD)
Rating:
Summary: DANIEL IN THE DINOSAUR'S DEN
Review: Oh, my, this is one bad movie. Martial arts hero Daniel Bernhardt is simply awful as a "runaway" from the future who comes back to Earth, which his people think is really "heaven." There he joins up with a renegade nun and some hood boys to take on dinosaur trackers and cyborgs who have come to take him back. Special effects are atrocious, the whole cast is terrible and this movie is a complete waste of time. Avoid at all costs.
Rating: 
Summary: One of the MST3K greats, but crappy film.
Review: The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of this movie is funny as crap. This movie on its own is an abomination. The idea was interesting. A slave from Earth's future travels back to Earth's past, calling it Heaven, while being pursued by androids and "dinosaurs." However, the bottom-barrel budget and horrid acting make it almost unintentionally hilarious to watch.
The runaway (Daniel Bernhardt), who looks disturbingly similar to Van Damme, is good for only one thing, martial arts. Every scene in which he speaks, I crack up in laughter. "I preferred his grunting." MST3K's Mike replies. The nun who accompanies him is also not a talented actor, as every one of her lines comes out stilted and boring.
The "force-perspective puppet" dinosars were hilariously low budget, and the cardboard "camera" brought a tear to my eye. The android was hideously large-faced too. In short, watch this in it's MST3K incarnation and be prepared to laugh. "This is one of those times when a parent should have CRUSHED a child's dream of being a film-maker." says Crow.
Rating:
Summary: Best Sci-fi movie of it's decade... Absolutely beautiful.
Review: This fantastic movie stars the incredible Daniel Bernhardt and a bunch of other top-notch actors. The 'hero' is a run-away slave, fleeing the Master Race of Cyborgs that have enslaved humankind in space! Fed up with slavery and abuse, Bernhardt jumps on a shuttle and heads to Earth, winding up in California. His former masters, however, have other plans! They've come after him, unwilling to lose even one of their precious servents... For the truth is, as advanced and powerful as the cyborgs are, they have one ultimate weakness- They lack opposable thumbs. Bernhardt, obviously equipped with very unique thumbs, must battle for his freedom against relentless cyborgs and their terrible dinosaur trackers! Also worth noting is the splendid use of cardboard boxes in this film. Quite frankly, I think they spent their entire budget on boxes. But you really have to see this to really believe it, and understand it's greatness.
Rating:
Summary: Come for the dinosaurs, stay for the laughs!
Review: This film was featured in an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," and one viewing will show you why. The plot is simple: a runaway slave (Bernhardt) escapes from a spaceship to Earth, pursued by his cyborg masters and their dinosaur trackers. On the way he (literally) runs into a novice nun who is a former prostitute and drug addict. She helps him hide from the hunters, and he helps her sort out a crisis of faith. Along the way there are bad special effects, cheesy forced-perspective dinosaur puppets (held close to the camera, they seem massive), and diabolical acting. In spite of it all, this movie manages to transcind itself and become funny. The fight sequences are a riot, and the special effects are as good for laughs as anything "Dark Shadows" or the original "Star Trek" ever produced. And all in all, the storyline isn't any worse than that of "Jurassic Park" or "Star Wars"; the biggest failing is the low budget and too much reliance on fight scenes to carry the action. If you're looking for a film to pass the time or entertain friends, this one will do the trick ... especially for fans of the "Soap Opera Game" or Mystery Science Theater watchers who want to see the original movie uncut.
Rating:
Summary: Come for the dinosaurs, stay for the laughs!
Review: This film was featured in an episode of "Mystery Science Theater 3000," and one viewing will show you why. The plot is simple: a runaway slave (Bernhardt) escapes from a spaceship to Earth, pursued by his cyborg masters and their dinosaur trackers. On the way he (literally) runs into a novice nun who is a former prostitute and drug addict. She helps him hide from the hunters, and he helps her sort out a crisis of faith. Along the way there are bad special effects, cheesy forced-perspective dinosaur puppets (held close to the camera, they seem massive), and diabolical acting. In spite of it all, this movie manages to transcind itself and become funny. The fight sequences are a riot, and the special effects are as good for laughs as anything "Dark Shadows" or the original "Star Trek" ever produced. And all in all, the storyline isn't any worse than that of "Jurassic Park" or "Star Wars"; the biggest failing is the low budget and too much reliance on fight scenes to carry the action. If you're looking for a film to pass the time or entertain friends, this one will do the trick ... especially for fans of the "Soap Opera Game" or Mystery Science Theater watchers who want to see the original movie uncut.
|
