Inseminoid (aka Horror Planet)

Rating:
Summary: O.k. Alien rip off with a blend of Zombie Flesh Eaters
Review: Horror Planet is a cheap british SciFi epos that deals with nearly every topic trash fans love to watch: women raped by rubber monsters on a remote space colony, crew members turned to undead maneaters, gory FX and extremely cheesy sets. On the plus side I have to mention the really good cast and the creepy atmosphere that the movie delivers right from the start. The pretty bloody FX unfortunately were trimmed in the US to achieve an R-Rating, so gorehounds shouldn't expect to much. If you liked 80-SciFi-movies like Creature or Virus (the italian gorefest, not the recent J. L. Curtis movie) you will be well served.

Rating:
Summary: Cheese city here, folks
Review: I had to chuckle to myself when I noticed I am following up a review for a movie called "Killer Condom" with one for a film called "Inseminoid." It is completely unintentional, I assure you. Still, it is funny in a dark, demented sort of way. As for these two films, the styles are quite different. "Killer Condom" is a warped spoof of American detective films while "Inseminoid" falls into the category of straightforward science fiction. Also known as "Horror Planet," "Inseminoid" is one of those hypercheesy rip-offs of "Alien," except on this outing it is Brits instead of Americans working on both ends of the cameras. The movie is a very low budget effort, hardly worth mentioning let alone watching unless you always enjoy viewing low budget British "Alien" rip-offs. Once again, I found myself wondering how a movie like this could get a DVD release while worthier projects fester on the back shelves of video stores in VHS formats. I am not saying "Inseminoid" is bad; it is actually a quite enjoyable romp through the world of schlock cinema, but even I must admit this movie should stand at the back of the line when it comes to receiving a DVD treatment.

On some distant planet in the distant future, an archeological expedition made up of males and females digs up a world of hurt in a series of tunnels near their recently inhabited base. One of the guys nosing around in a tunnel unearths some weird looking crystals, and goes completely bonkers after touching them. The other members of the expedition express the requisite amount of concern for their mentally damaged and recently deceased co-worker, but that doesn't stop them from continuing to muck around in a situation of increasing danger. Instead of hiding away in the research facility to await the arrival of a rescue ship, the crew decides to find out exactly what is going on. Too bad for them. It turns out that some mushroom shaped alien life form (see the cover of the DVD) has decided to emerge from its hibernation, hiding place, or wherever it has been in order to wreak havoc on the gullible humans. The hideous being hurts a few people before casting its lascivious eye on Sandy (Judy Geeson), deciding to "inseminate" her (chuckle) so he can have a few children. Before you groan with derision, and you will groan often while watching the film, it is after this incident that "Inseminoid" gears up to a snail's pace.

Sandy flips her lid after her experience with the creature. "Hey, so would I if I just had a sexual experience with an alien" you might say, and you would be right in part until you discover what Sandy gets up to. She starts roaming around the byzantine tunnels of the research facility in search of her fellow crewmembers because the growing embryos inside clamor for the nurturing taste of human blood. Bodies fall spouting blood and guts as Sandy insidiously tracks down her prey. The lady uses explosives to blast through metal doors, lays in ambush, acts as though she is in peril in order to lure unknowing humans to her, and generally makes a huge nuisance of herself. A diminishing group of survivors frantically monitors the deteriorating conditions in the corridors of the base from a sealed off control chamber while desperately hoping help arrives in time. Predictably, Sandy gives birth to her alien offspring--twins, by the way--before finally succumbing to one of her comrades. The "twist" ending not only fails to surprise, it fails in an excruciatingly banal way. Anyone who claims "Inseminoid" doesn't rip-off "Alien" should have their head examined.

"Inseminoid" boasts several memorable elements worth noting here. One concerns the presence of actress Victoria Tennant among the cast. She only shows up briefly--just long enough to pick up her paycheck, one supposes--so you have to keep your eyes open. The idea that this actress could go from a cheesefest like "Inseminoid" to movies like "All of Me" in the space of three years simply boggles the mind. Only Kim Cattrall could boast of a similar seismic shift in cinematic priorities with her trek from "Porky's" to "Sex in the City," and that took nearly twenty years. If you tire of looking for Tennant, tide yourself over with the hysterical overacting from Judy Geeson's character. Bette Davis near the end of her career couldn't beat this energetic actress's hammy performance as the doomed Sandy. She shrieks, she cries, she bellows, she cackles, she plots--what a thespian! I alternated from saying things like "Oh, knock it off!" to general laughter as I watched Geeson emote herself into a tizzy. Yep, these two elements, combined with set pieces that looked like they were taken from a roller rink circa 1975 and the cheesy special effects make "Inseminoid" a worthwhile project for the dedicated film fan.

The DVD edition doesn't offer much in the way of extras. There's a grainy, unrestored trailer and that's about it. At least they offered us a widescreen picture transfer (why, I have no idea), which does look very nice. The audio sounds better than it should. "Inseminoid" is rumored to cause watering eyes, chronic fatigue syndrome, shingles, projectile nasal congestion, headaches, and a host of other annoying ailments to those who watch it more than once. So take my advice: rent the film, watch it once very quickly, and return it with all due haste to the video store. There's no sense causing yourself lingering harm by repeating the experience.

Rating:
Summary: The Alien Who Loved Me
Review: In 1979, director Ridley Scott unleashed the film Alien on an unsuspecting viewing public, pretty much making his career as a director. Of all the great things to come from that frightening, entertaining and highly successful movie, sequels, comic books, novels, toys, etc., the one thing he probably didn't foresee was the slew of really poor imitations that were to follow, including, but certainly not limited to, Inseminoid, AKA Horror Planet (1981). Written by Nick and Gloria Maley, Nick being most notable for make up and special effects on such movies as Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, and Gloria's claim to fame being a nominal actress in movies like And Now the Screaming Starts! (1973) and Satan's Slave (1976), Inseminoid doesn't look promising. And it isn't. Okay, so who's directing? Norman J. Warren? The same Norman J. Warren who directed Satan's Slave, Alien Prey (1978) and Spaced Out (1979)? Oh man, we're in trouble...

This English production starts out with a view of some planet and voice over talking about various failed expeditions to said planet. There is currently a third one in progress, and we soon get to seen some people in space suits walking around caves. One of the explorers finds a strange looking pod, and it starts to glow, and then explodes. Whoops...some other stuff happens, and the gist of the thing is one of the female crew members gets impregnated (ick) by an alien who we see for like two minutes and then never see again. I know what you're thinking, "Did the alien copulate with the woman?" From the trailer you'd think so, but that wasn't the case. The alien actually sedated the woman and inserted a long, clear, plastic tube between her legs and some gooey, green, lumpy fluid flowed through (double ick). So anyway, the woman is now knocked up, and it turns out the fetus starts messing with her mind. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The actress, Judy Geeson, playing the character that gets the space bun in the oven seemed so familiar to me, but I could not place her. Turns out she was in the much better film To Sir, With Love (1967). Poor Judy...oh well...as I was saying, the woman laden with alien spore starts tearing up the rest of the crew, and her gestation period develops rather quickly as in subsequent scenes, her belly gets bigger and bigger. There was a rather revolting scene where two crewmembers get into a fight with the pregnant woman, where the male crewmember basically stomps on the engorged belly of the expectant mother to be while she was laying on the ground. I know she has an evil space baby inside her, but still, the visual was disturbing and, in my opinion, unnecessary.

Things I liked about the movie...the production values where surprisingly decent, especially for a movie like this. The sets were fairly expansive and almost realistic. I guess when you have really low expectations, it's easy to please. Also, Judy Geeson does appear nekkid, during the insemination scene, and a couple of other female cast members are see in skimpy outfits that clearly mimic Ripley's outfit near the end of Alien. Both of the actresses who appear this way may be easily recognized as one was Stephanie Beacham, who was on TV's Dallas, and the other being Victoria Tennant, from the Steve Martin movies All of Me (1984) and L.A. Story (1991). Things I didn't like about the movie...well, the actors kept stepping on each other's lines. I understand film is expensive and shooting schedules are tight, more so in these types of movies, so there may not have been an opportunity to correct these things. It happens pretty often in this movie, and it's quite funny. Also, the music...arrrgh...couldn't they afford someone whose main instrument wasn't a Casio keyboard? Another thing, there were too many characters, and it soon became apparent the only reason for this was fodder for various kill scenes. One last main point was of a tactical nature. These noodle heads had absolutely no concept of even the most basic, common sense tactical abilities when dealing with the murderous mother. They outnumbered her and had various weapons available at their disposal, but their course of action always involved running away, even when they have the advantage. Really, the characters that met with grisly ends deserved to die, as they were so utterly incompetent and stupid.

I give credit to Elite Entertainment for an exceptional print of the film. It was clear and without visual flaws. Same thing couldn't be said of the script. The audio was also excellent, providing crispness that allowed us to hear every bit of inane dialog, cheesy electronic musical note, and odd, sometimes-inappropriate sound effect. My overall view of the film? Good for a few cheap thrills and unintentional laughs, but not much else.

Cookieman108

Rating:
Summary: The Alien Who Loved Me
Review: In 1979, director Ridley Scott unleashed the film Alien on an unsuspecting viewing public, pretty much making his career as a director. Of all the great things to come from that frightening, entertaining and highly successful movie, sequels, comic books, novels, toys, etc., the one thing he probably didn't foresee was the slew of really poor imitations that were to follow, including, but certainly not limited to, Inseminoid, AKA Horror Planet (1981).

Written by Nick and Gloria Maley, Nick being most notable for make up and special effects on such movies as Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back, and Gloria's claim to fame being a nominal actress in movies like And Now the Screaming Starts! (1973) and Satan's Slave (1976), Inseminoid doesn't look promising. And it isn't. Okay, so who's directing? Norman J. Warren? The same Norman J. Warren who directed Satan's Slave, Alien Prey (1978) and Spaced Out (1979)? Oh man, we're in trouble...

This English production starts out with a view of some planet and voice over talking about various failed expeditions to said planet. There is currently a third one in progress, and we soon get to seen some people in space suits walking around caves. One of the explorers finds a strange looking pod, and it starts to glow, and then explodes. Whoops...some other stuff happens, and the gist of the thing is one of the female crew members gets impregnated (ick) by an alien who we see for like two minutes and then never see again. I know what you're thinking, "Did the alien copulate with the woman?" From the trailer you'd think so, but that wasn't the case. The alien actually sedated the woman and inserted a long, clear, plastic tube between her legs and some gooey, green, lumpy fluid flowed through (double ick).

So anyway, the woman is now knocked up, and it turns out the fetus starts messing with her mind. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. The actress, Judy Geeson, playing the character that gets the space bun in the oven seemed so familiar to me, but I could not place her. Turns out she was in the much better film To Sir, With Love (1967). Poor Judy...oh well...as I was saying, the woman laden with alien spore starts tearing up the rest of the crew, and her gestation period develops rather quickly as in subsequent scenes, her belly gets bigger and bigger. There was a rather revolting scene where two crewmembers get into a fight with the pregnant woman, where the male crewmember basically stomps on the engorged belly of the expectant mother to be while she was laying on the ground. I know she has an evil space baby inside her, but still, the visual was disturbing and, in my opinion, unnecessary.

Things I liked about the movie...the production values where surprisingly decent, especially for a movie like this. The sets were fairly expansive and almost realistic. I guess when you have really low expectations, it's easy to please. Also, Judy Geeson does appear nekkid, during the insemination scene, and a couple of other female cast members are see in skimpy outfits that clearly mimic Ripley's outfit near the end of Alien. Both of the actresses who appear this way may be easily recognized as one was Stephanie Beacham, who was on TV's Dallas, and the other being Victoria Tennant, from the Steve Martin movies All of Me (1984) and L.A. Story (1991).

Things I didn't like about the movie...well, the actors kept stepping on each other's lines. I understand film is expensive and shooting schedules are tight, more so in these types of movies, so there may not have been an opportunity to correct these things. It happens pretty often in this movie, and it's quite funny. Also, the music...arrrgh...couldn't they afford someone whose main instrument wasn't a Casio keyboard? Another thing, there were too many characters, and it soon became apparent the only reason for this was fodder for various kill scenes. One last main point was of a tactical nature. These noodle heads had absolutely no concept of even the most basic, common sense tactical abilities when dealing with the murderous mother. They outnumbered her and had various weapons available at their disposal, but their course of action always involved running away, even when they have the advantage. Really, the characters that met with grisly ends deserved to die, as they were so utterly incompetent and stupid.

I give credit to Elite Entertainment for an exceptional print of the film. It was clear and without visual flaws. Same thing couldn't be said of the script. The audio was also excellent, providing crispness that allowed us to hear every bit of inane dialog, cheesy electronic musical note, and odd, sometimes-inappropriate sound effect. My overall view of the film? Good for a few cheap thrills and unintentional laughs, but not much else.

Cookieman108

Rating:
Summary: Aliens with a big sharp toothed ...
Review: Pretty bad, but it moves along well enough that it works for a Bad Movie Night. If you like to sit around with friends and laugh at how bad a movie can be then this is a good contender. My favorite part is that the captain is a perfectly ineffectual middle manager. He sits in his "office" and sends one person after another to go investigate and then broadcasts [weak] suggestions to them as they walk to their deaths.

Rating:
Summary: Aliens with a big sharp toothed ...
Review: Pretty bad, but it moves along well enough that it works for a Bad Movie Night. If you like to sit around with friends and laugh at how bad a movie can be then this is a good contender. My favorite part is that the captain is a perfectly ineffectual middle manager. He sits in his "office" and sends one person after another to go investigate and then broadcasts [weak] suggestions to them as they walk to their deaths.

Rating:
Summary: For a breeder movie, this is cool.
Review: Suprisingly enough this is actually good. First of allthe writer realizes that the main character's alien progeny will stop at nothing to keep its mom alive, including defy her own anatomy's limits to sustain life! Something few breeder flicks do. But it is incredibly cheesy............. and unless your like me you probabvly won't appecriate it.

Rating:
Summary: toldja we shouldn't a landed on this planet !
Review: This movie tries hard to deliver but fails. I expected alot more suspense, chills, SFX. What we get is a pregnant crazy woman offing all her crewmates? why? she's pregnant by a praying mantis looking
alien which you only see twice thru the whole flick.
Judy Geeson does give an interstellar performance. She sure as hell won't be getting any oscars down here on earth.
Like i said the film tries but fails, the acting is so-so.The sets are kinda legoland build-it-yerself type.
There is a beacon of light though, the film does leave itself wide open for a sequel. I hope whomever takes *that* task does a whole helluva lot better than the director of this clunker
PU!

Rating:
Summary: Gore galore in low budget space shocker
Review: Whilst exploring a series of caves beneath the surface of the Jupiter moon Xeno, a small team of archeologists accidentally unleash a long-buried alien creature which promptly impregnates one of the female memebers of the crew (Judy Geeson). With the subsequent pregnancy developing at an alarming rate, Geeson is compelled to protect her unborn 'children' from scientific scrutiny and begins to massacre her colleagues, one by one...

Responding to the worldwide appetite for overblown space operas established by "Star Wars" in 1977, yet remaining true to his roots as a purveyor of exploitation-horror movies ("Satan's Slave", "Prey", etc.), British director Norman J. Warren developed the script for "Inseminoid" (1980) with writers Nick and Gloria Maley, a team of special effects technicians who were looking for a vehicle in which to showcase their talents. With funding from British and Hong Kong sources, the film went into production at Chislehurst caves (a grim but picturesque location just outside London) shortly after Ridley Scott's "Alien" (1979) wrapped principal photography, though "Inseminoid" was completed and released after Scott's film had already debuted, and almost inevitably suffered from less-than-flattering comparisons.

The main problem with "Inseminoid" is that the modest £1 million budget undermines its lofty ambitions from the outset, yielding a range of sets, costumes and visual effects which are more reminiscent of 'Blake's 7' and 'Doctor Who' than "Star Wars", and the cheapskate production values sometimes provoke unintentional laughter. Faced with some fairly amateurish dialogue, most of the cast can't help but sink to the occasion, though Geeason is remarkably good in the leading role, transforming herself from terrified victim to monstrous avenger with scene-stealing glee (unfortunately, she later bad-mouthed the film, saying it was the worst thing she had ever done). Elsewhere, Stephanie Beacham ("The Nightcomers", TV's 'The Colby's') plays the material with earnest conviction, while Victoria Tennant ("The Winds of War") makes no impression at all as one of the early victims of Geeson's rampage.

For all its drawbacks, however, the film is fast-moving and well-constructed, and benefits enormously from expansive J-D-C Scope photography by John Metcalfe ("Xtro", "Rawhead Rex"). A longtime fan of the scope format, Warren uses the wide frame to evoke a sense of scale which belies the movie's financial limitations, and to maintain a strong visual dynamic, even during quiet scenes, through careful lighting and composition. There's plenty of gory violence on offer, too, though Warren was forced to make a few cosmetic trims to some of the more explicit sequences, courtesy of the British censor, and it's that version which is reproduced here. Sadly, theough the film was modestly successful all over the world (including America, where a slightly truncated print originally played under the title "Horror Planet"), the director was unable to finance another venture for several years afterward, and his final film to date, "Bloody New Year" (1987) went straight to video. His long-cherished ambition to remake "Fiend Without a Face" (1957) in glorious color has yet to happen, which is particularly regrettable - the genre has always needed talented mavericks like Warren, now more than ever.

Elite's region-free DVD reproduces the film at 2.35:1, and while the non-anamorphic image is a little soft in places, quality is acceptable throughout. Sound format is two-channel mono. Captions are not included, but there's a trailer which manages to be even less tasteful than the film itself! An anamorphic update would be more than welcome, not least because this version is reportedly missing just over 30 seconds of non-essential material from the beginning of chapter 5, the result of an oversight during the mastering process. As such, the print should have ran 92m 20s, but actually runs 91m 47s.