Killing Birds

Rating:
Summary: How do you spell dull? K-i-l-l-i-n-g B-i-r-d-s.
Review: First of all, the current Amazon description -- supposedly from the back cover -- is from a different movie. This is actually a zombie movie. Well, not exactly. It's actually a killer bird movie. Well, not exactly.

OK, this is a prime example that long-lost 80's genre, the Incredibly Stupid and Mind-Numbingly Dull People Who Walk Around For Two Hours In a
Vaguely Menacing Setting movie. The entire movie comprises interminably long sequences of people stumbling around calling each others' names (Mary? Steve?) punctuated by brief scenes of bad gore. Here's the kind of logic you will witness: After almost every character has been killed, a man walks into the action and says "I'm glad I made it in time." HUH?!?!

The leading lady is insipid, the leading man is a piece of flotsam, and the rival for his attention is a dumpy girl with a mustache. The movie has all the pacing of a slug on valium. I know zombie movies. I love zombie movies. This, sir, is no zombie movie.

Rating:
Summary: This my friend, is no zombie movie
Review: For all of you zombie fans out there that got excited to see that the title of this movie is ZOMBIE 5: KILLING BIRDS, don't get your hopes up. This is not a zombie movie, and it has no connection to the the Italian series. It was originally released as Killing Birds. For some reason, someone decided (maybe even as a joke) to retitle the film on DVD as Zombie 5. And to make matters worse, the actual film only says "Killing Birds", so the box title is a lie! I'm not laughing, and neither will other zombie fans buying this incepid piece of garbage thinking its a zombie film. Don't be fooled. They only put "Zombie 5" on the box to trick people into buying the movie. Do not BUY into it.

Rating:
Summary: Say it ain't so, Joe!
Review: You simply must hand it to the late Joe D'Amato. During his long career in the Italian film business, good old Joe made dozens and dozens of low budget films in genres ranging from pornography to graphic exploitation to extreme horror. "Emanuelle in America" is a Joe D'Amato production, as is "Anthropophagous," "Buio Omega," "Ator," and the best "so bad it's good" film ever made, "Troll 2." Sure, Joe made a lot of clinkers in his time, but what do you expect? D'Amato's films weren't crafted to win Hollywood awards. Most of his movies raked in the bucks in overseas markets, in places where the crowds filling the theater could care less about what type of schlock they're watching. A few of his movies surprisingly appeared on movie screens here in the States; I saw "Ator" at the local cinema in the early 1980s. Moreover, and probably most importantly, Joe's films also made money in America when the videocassette craze broke in the early 1980s. Yep, Joe D'Amato is a beloved figure to fans of schlock cinema, horror cinema, exploitation cinema, and anyone else who loves movies that wander far off the beaten path.

I should start by saying "Killing Birds" isn't a very good film. In fact, it is at times an atrocious piece of junk best relegated to the trash heap of bad cinema. "Killing Birds" as a Joe D'Amato film is closer to "Troll 2" than it is to "Buio Omega," with important exceptions. Where "Troll 2" was hilarious because of its badness, "Killing Birds" is decidedly bad in an unfunny way. Imagine, if you will, a story about a Vietnam veteran who returns to his house in the bayous of Louisiana only to find his wife cheating on him with another man. Enraged by this blatant infidelity, the vet goes on a bloody rampage. He kills his wife, her lover, and a couple of neighbors unfortunate enough to appear on the scene. The murderer does, however, spare the couple's young son. For some reason that I still cannot adequately explain, some birds living on the grounds viciously attack the vet, tearing his eyeball out of his head and thus leaving him crippled for life. All of these scenes unfold against the backdrop of lush foliage in one of those stately old mansions you often see in shows about the South. Sounds like a great premise for a horror film, doesn't it? That's what I thought. I was wrong.

Flash forward twenty years or so to a college campus where a gaggle of young adults plan an expedition into the bayou to research a biology project, something about the mating call of a rare bird. The group consists of your usual young people in a horror movie. There are a few loudmouths, the scholarly chick, the oversexed cutie, and a few other stock characters. You get the idea. After heading into the wilds of Louisiana, the kids meet a blind guy (Robert Vaughn!) who lives in a rotting mansion. This man spends his days recording the sounds of the wildlife in the area, so he gives the kiddies a few tips about what they seek and then promptly disappears for a large part of the film. Too bad, by the way, because Vaughn is about the only good thing about "Killing Birds." Even in the short time he appears onscreen he gets all the best lines, does a competent job with a bad script, and even manages to look and act creepy. Anyway, the young adults head out into the bayou, set up base in an abandoned house, and promptly die in cheesy ways as a host of weird zombies appear on the scene. It's all really lame in the strictest sense of the word, with cheap looking gore effects, bad acting, and dumb dialogue. The movie doesn't end as much as it skids to a halt.

Most of the elements we take for granted in other films fail to materialize in this one. The pacing of "Killing Birds" is glacial, a molasses like mess that moves with all the speed of a snail on tranquilizers. I didn't just glance at my watch once in awhile with this turkey; I looked at my timepiece so often I developed a serious case of whiplash. I would like to tell you the pacing was the worst part of the film. It's not. Check out the music for this mess. Never, in all my years of watching bad films, have I seen such a schizophrenic score. The scenes at the beginning of the movie, when we meet the kids, employs an interesting (cough) blend of bland pop music that you must simply hear to believe. Pure treacle of the most abysmal sort, like "Dreamweaver" but worse to the nth degree. Then, an abrupt change takes place. Maybe D'Amato dug up Jan Hammer to score most of the film because what we hear when the researchers encounter the zombies sounds a lot like "Miami Vice." I'm not even going to go into some of the outfits the guys wear in the film. Let's just say I had serious questions about their sexuality. I wonder why the girls in the group didn't have the same thought.

I can't give "Killing Birds" one star, though. The movie did manage to dredge up some creepy atmosphere in the end, and Robert Vaughn's appearance helped salvage the film. The DVD version is your typical Media Blasters/Shriek Cinema disc: trailers for several other schlock classics, an extended interview with Robert Vaughn about his role in the movie (!), and some other stuff. I cannot recommend this movie without feeling guilty, and I certainly cannot do so to viewers unaccustomed to cheesy movies. Horror fans should steel themselves for an unpleasant experience before popping this one in the DVD player. All others need to stay away. Far, far away.