Revenge of the Stolen Stars

Rating:
Summary: The cinematic equivalent of a full diaper
Review: My enjoyment of all things Klaus Kinski often leads me to wonderful cinematic experiences. Films like "Fitzcarraldo," "Cobra Verde," "The Great Silence," and even his later work in schlock like "Crawlspace" were experiences I found enlightening and entertaining. By all accounts, Kinski was not a pleasant person in real life. He womanized, he drank, he raged, and he abused everyone around him. Some saw these traits as the sign of a genius. Others, probably correctly, wrote it off to an oversized ego and contempt for his fellow man. Whatever and whoever Klaus Kinski was in his daily life, he is simply mesmerizing on the screen. Even in "Crawlspace," a movie in which Kinski practically sleepwalks through the role, he towers above the rest of the cast. With a look, a slight twitch of the face, or a movement this actor could express emotions other actors could never convey. The entertainer probably spent no more than five minutes on screen in Ulli Lommel's "Revenge of the Stolen Stars," yet he is by far the best part of the film. In fact, this movie is so atrocious, so hideously awful, that only the presence of Klaus Kinski prevents me from feeling embarrassed about reviewing it.

The plot is inanely simple. Duncan McBride (Kinski) owns a plantation on Sunanow Island in some fictional country in the South China Sea. The property's real value comes from the ruby mine located nearby, a mine that locals toil away on as long as special stones referred to as stars stay in their possession. As the movie opens, McBride and one of his associates play a game of chess. According to the plantation owner, this guy stole some of these special stones. Kinski's character wants them back so a curse won't fall on his head from the angry locals. Words soon turn to blows as the associate pulls a knife and McBride pulls a gun. Both expire because of the confrontation. Duncan's personal secretary Kelly Scanlon (Suzanna Love) and his lawyer Max (Ulli Lommel) hear the gunfire and investigate. Finding their boss slumped over a chessboard is a bit disconcerting, but fortunately a will exists naming McBride's nephew Gene (Barry Hickey) as heir to the estate. This guy lives in San Francisco, so it is off to the States to convince him to move over to the Philippines...whoops! I mean Sunanow Island, to claim his property. Scanlon and Max fill Gene in about the local lore and leave him to run the plantation. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? Wrong.

In the weirdest scenes in a weird movie, Gene encounters the ghost (!) of Duncan McBride in the house. The whole situation consists of Kinski vanishing and reappearing in a different spot of the room to tell his nephew what he must do to reclaim the stolen stars. It is utterly ridiculous, even more so when we realize this is the last time we see Kinski in the film. Yep, the man is gone not twenty minutes into the picture. Afterwards, with the assistance of Kelly and the occasional intervention of Max, Gene embarks on a series of quests to find the stolen gems. One of the first assignments requires Gene and Kelly to enter a house of ill repute where rumor says that the lady in charge of the place possesses one of the stones. Each mission is cheaper and cheesier than the proceeding one, making "Revenge of the Stolen Stars" an increasingly tedious exercise in banality. In an effort to ratchet up the sheer idiocy of the whole thing, Lommel places two dolts named Alex and Lupe into the picture as stock villains. Alex (or is it Lupe? I can't remember) is the most ridiculous of the two. He's this bald, German guy wearing a monocle. He looks like a dirt poor version of Daddy Warbucks. As the film grinds towards its conclusion, your limits will reach maximum overload as you wonder what in the heck you are doing wasting nearly ninety minutes of your life watching this dreck.

"Revenge of the Stolen Stars" contains a twist or two that helps the movie in no way whatsoever. The acting is feeble in a way not often seen outside of a Herschell Gordon Lewis production. The cast of an elementary school play looks like Royal Shakespeareans compared to the duds performing in this drivel. Even Kinski's brooding shtick cannot lift this movie out of the cesspool. Moreover, the set pieces, with a few exceptions, looked like it consisted of cast offs from a secondhand furniture store. And that script! All I want to know is who wrote it and why. I have heard more inspiring dialogue in an atrocity newsreel. Wait, there's more. The pacing moves like a seventy year old with gout, the editing looks like Lommel hacked the scenes together with a chainsaw, and the picture quality on the DVD is about as sharp as a rusty butter knife. Are you beginning to get a clear mental picture of this movie? It is bad, folks, about as bad as a low budget film can get.

Surprisingly, Ulli Lommel actually filmed an interview about this movie for inclusion on the disc. He claims he turned down the opportunity to direct "1984" to do this picture instead (yeah, right) and spends most of his time bashing Kinski's bad behavior. Lommel claims Kinski drank himself into a stupor on the set and began refusing to do his scenes. The director, fed up with his bad behavior, suggested turning Kinski's character into a ghost who would only appear at the beginning of the film. The star loved the idea, thus the vanishing and reappearing act we see in the scenes with Gene. Whatever. Ignore this film and look for something else to watch instead. You'll thank me later.

Rating:
Summary: The cinematic equivalent of a full diaper
Review: My enjoyment of all things Klaus Kinski often leads me to wonderful cinematic experiences. Films like "Fitzcarraldo," "Cobra Verde," "The Great Silence," and even his later work in schlock like "Crawlspace" were experiences I found enlightening and entertaining. By all accounts, Kinski was not a pleasant person in real life. He womanized, he drank, he raged, and he abused everyone around him. Some saw these traits as the sign of a genius. Others, probably correctly, wrote it off to an oversized ego and contempt for his fellow man. Whatever and whoever Klaus Kinski was in his daily life, he is simply mesmerizing on the screen. Even in "Crawlspace," a movie in which Kinski practically sleepwalks through the role, he towers above the rest of the cast. With a look, a slight twitch of the face, or a movement this actor could express emotions other actors could never convey. The entertainer probably spent no more than five minutes on screen in Ulli Lommel's "Revenge of the Stolen Stars," yet he is by far the best part of the film. In fact, this movie is so atrocious, so hideously awful, that only the presence of Klaus Kinski prevents me from feeling embarrassed about reviewing it.

The plot is inanely simple. Duncan McBride (Kinski) owns a plantation on Sunanow Island in some fictional country in the South China Sea. The property's real value comes from the ruby mine located nearby, a mine that locals toil away on as long as special stones referred to as stars stay in their possession. As the movie opens, McBride and one of his associates play a game of chess. According to the plantation owner, this guy stole some of these special stones. Kinski's character wants them back so a curse won't fall on his head from the angry locals. Words soon turn to blows as the associate pulls a knife and McBride pulls a gun. Both expire because of the confrontation. Duncan's personal secretary Kelly Scanlon (Suzanna Love) and his lawyer Max (Ulli Lommel) hear the gunfire and investigate. Finding their boss slumped over a chessboard is a bit disconcerting, but fortunately a will exists naming McBride's nephew Gene (Barry Hickey) as heir to the estate. This guy lives in San Francisco, so it is off to the States to convince him to move over to the Philippines...whoops! I mean Sunanow Island, to claim his property. Scanlon and Max fill Gene in about the local lore and leave him to run the plantation. Doesn't sound so bad, does it? Wrong.

In the weirdest scenes in a weird movie, Gene encounters the ghost (!) of Duncan McBride in the house. The whole situation consists of Kinski vanishing and reappearing in a different spot of the room to tell his nephew what he must do to reclaim the stolen stars. It is utterly ridiculous, even more so when we realize this is the last time we see Kinski in the film. Yep, the man is gone not twenty minutes into the picture. Afterwards, with the assistance of Kelly and the occasional intervention of Max, Gene embarks on a series of quests to find the stolen gems. One of the first assignments requires Gene and Kelly to enter a house of ill repute where rumor says that the lady in charge of the place possesses one of the stones. Each mission is cheaper and cheesier than the proceeding one, making "Revenge of the Stolen Stars" an increasingly tedious exercise in banality. In an effort to ratchet up the sheer idiocy of the whole thing, Lommel places two dolts named Alex and Lupe into the picture as stock villains. Alex (or is it Lupe? I can't remember) is the most ridiculous of the two. He's this bald, German guy wearing a monocle. He looks like a dirt poor version of Daddy Warbucks. As the film grinds towards its conclusion, your limits will reach maximum overload as you wonder what in the heck you are doing wasting nearly ninety minutes of your life watching this dreck.

"Revenge of the Stolen Stars" contains a twist or two that helps the movie in no way whatsoever. The acting is feeble in a way not often seen outside of a Herschell Gordon Lewis production. The cast of an elementary school play looks like Royal Shakespeareans compared to the duds performing in this drivel. Even Kinski's brooding shtick cannot lift this movie out of the cesspool. Moreover, the set pieces, with a few exceptions, looked like it consisted of cast offs from a secondhand furniture store. And that script! All I want to know is who wrote it and why. I have heard more inspiring dialogue in an atrocity newsreel. Wait, there's more. The pacing moves like a seventy year old with gout, the editing looks like Lommel hacked the scenes together with a chainsaw, and the picture quality on the DVD is about as sharp as a rusty butter knife. Are you beginning to get a clear mental picture of this movie? It is bad, folks, about as bad as a low budget film can get.

Surprisingly, Ulli Lommel actually filmed an interview about this movie for inclusion on the disc. He claims he turned down the opportunity to direct "1984" to do this picture instead (yeah, right) and spends most of his time bashing Kinski's bad behavior. Lommel claims Kinski drank himself into a stupor on the set and began refusing to do his scenes. The director, fed up with his bad behavior, suggested turning Kinski's character into a ghost who would only appear at the beginning of the film. The star loved the idea, thus the vanishing and reappearing act we see in the scenes with Gene. Whatever. Ignore this film and look for something else to watch instead. You'll thank me later.