World Class Trains: The New Polar Express

Rating:
Summary: Save yourself some kroner
Review: THE NEW POLAR EXPRESS is a travel documentary featuring the 5-day journey of the Polar Express, a tourist train, from Stockholm up through central Sweden, across the Arctic Circle, and over the border into Norway to the coastal city of Narvik - and back again by the same route. No, this isn't the animated POLAR EXPRESS of 2004 starring Tom Hanks in multiple roles.

My advice is to save yourself whatever kroner it takes to buy or rent the DVD, or what it costs to take the actual trip - the equivalent of two thousand dollars per person, double occupancy. The major attractions of the jaunt seem to be the midnight sun and the mountains of Norway. I suggest that if you go rather to Alaska, the midnight sun across the Arctic Circle will be the same, and both the mountains and the mosquitoes will be bigger. And you can perhaps find a cheeseburger along the way instead of the flatbread and jam sandwich and tea brewed in a battered kettle enjoyed in an animal skin tent by our intrepid vacationers.

The DVD presentation isn't all that great, either. If the operators of the Polar Express hope this production will boost reservations, think again. While the sleeper cars are vintage carriages from the old Orient Express (Paris-Istanbul), the interior shots linger in the more modern, domed observation car and the downstairs bar. While the former is suitably impressive, where does one sleep? There's no visual hint of the quality of the bedroom accommodations. And a description of the meals to be had along the way - except for the flatbread and jam feast - is non-existent. Oral intake aboard the Express seems to be limited to alcohol - lots of it.

The majority of the scenes filmed from the moving train are either looking forward along the line of cars towards the locomotive, or back towards the proverbial caboose. I can vouch that the metal skin of the cars is shiny and the tracks of the rail bed are well laid. And the narrative dialogue was written for grade schoolers, such as - and I'm paraphrasing:

"The travelers watched the train return to the station from the siding where it had been while they explored Narvik."

Oh, and how about that short trek at the rail stop to the outdoor wooden stage where the adventurers are given cheesy certificates commemorating for posterity the feat of crossing the Artic Circle, marked by a line of white-washed rocks. Framed, that could replace the velvet picture of Elvis on the wall back in the double-wide.

The high point of the DVD was perhaps on the return to Stockholm after the paying riders had disembarked and the crew was filmed removing bags of trash from the Polar Express. That just about summed up the vicarious thrill for me.