Bad Movie Police Case #2: Chickboxer

Rating:
Summary: Oh sweet Jesus. What did I buy?
Review: This has got to be the worst excuse for a film in the history of cinema. This is an opinion stated by the director and writer in the 'bonus features'. Many of those who starred in this movie even admitted to not being able to bear watching it, and some refuse to even discuss it.

Our story begins with a homely 20 something female playing a high school student obsessed with the TV show 'Chick Boxer'. Her extremely ugly sidekick friend is dumbfounded by this. This film is very annoying because our 'hero' narrates half the film as she's sitting in a chair in the corner of her house.

To put it gently, a dirty cop wants to become mayor. So he, some pathetic henchman, and a karate instructor devise a scheme to frame the current mayor. Our hero takes karate lessons from the crook because she wants to be a Chick Boxer like her hero. She discovers the plot, and with her boyfriend and his dad, win in the end by rounding up all the bad guys.

And the real 'Chick Boxer'? She becomes a porn star at the end of the film. Her showing off her great rack is the only saving grace of this film. But it's not worth sitting through the 70 something minutes of misery.

This was shot entirely in video with a cheap camcorder. The sound is awful. The actors (half of whom you'll recognize in Bad Movies #1 Galaxy of the Dinosaurs) obviously don't even want to make this film. The lines are mostly done off the cuff. That's not surprising though. The writer of this film explains he wrote it in an afternoon and hated his own script.

Check out the extras in the karate class. What a motley crew of derelicts. The long haired dude with the glasses looks like someone pulled him in off the street right before filming began.

If you love torturing yourself with cinema that 'simply cannot be watched', then by all means treat yourself to 'Chick Boxer'. For anyone else, avoid at all costs.

Rating:
Summary: Yolanda Squatpump is Today's Ed Wood!
Review: You have never seen anything like 'Chickboxer.' I have seen many, many very bad movies, and generally revel in movies gone wildly awry, but this is in a class by itself. I am serious, when I say that this is the heir apparent to the Ed Wood catalog.

This is the worst made movie I have ever seen. Shot with a low quality video camera in 1991 on a budget of $5,000, 'Chickboxer' is the story of a frumpy twentysomething girl (who is allegedly seventeen) inspired to fight crime by her favorite television show, 'Chickboxer'. Along the way she takes a karate class (which must be seen to be believed), and gets a date with the limpest football player I have ever seen. There are a couple of plot cul-de-sacs which involve kidnapping and the murder of a waitress which have NOTHING to do with the rest of the movie, and there is a cameo by Michelle Bauer as the real 'Chickboxer', as well as a tacked on bit of bad quality adult film of her that is also completely unrelated to the film at the very end. Another thing to watch out for is the unbearably long 'shoe lacing' title sequence, the most painful in cinema history.

This has been packaged as part of the "Bad Movie Police" series, with several excellent extras, all of which are worth watching. I sincerely hope that the series continues with other movies from the same production team such as 'Maximum Impact', 'Robot Ninja', and 'Zombie Cop', all long out of print. In his commentary, J.R. Bookwalter (the alter ego of editor 'Darryl Squatmpump' [sic]) alleges that 'Zombie Cop' is even worse than 'Chickboxer', but I refuse to believe him until I have seen it myself.

Extras on the DVD are wonderful. In addition to the moderately amusing "Bad Movie Police" introduction, there are two brief documentaries on the making of 'Chickboxer'. I am particularly amused by the interview footage of James Black, who played the karate teacher. There is also a still picture library, and by far best of all, an option to watch the movie with commentary by producer J.R. Bookwalter, who is hilarious to listen to, and tells us many amusing things such as the picture was made after the production company gave them the final video box and synopsis and told them to make a movie around it. How great is that?

This is the pinnacle of bad filmmaking. Some will not be able to sit through it (especially the horrible narration device), but for those hardened by the works of Adamson, Steckler, and Wood, Squatpump will be a breath of foul air!