Manos, the Hands of Fate

Rating:
Summary: Worth It's Weight In Mold!
Review: A man and his wife and daughter are on their way to the Valley Inn, for a fun little getaway. They become hopelessly lost, ending up at the last house in the desert. The family is met there by Torgo, the bubble-thighed (like a grasshopper w/ elephantiasis), gibbering, hillbilly henchman of the mysterious "Master". Of course, rather than just leaving, our family decides to spend the night. Torgo gets too friendly with wifey and she slaps his fuzzy face. Meanwhile, the family's poodle "Pepe" has wandered outside to his doom. Hubby looks for his faithful canine, finding only a pile of black mattress-filler! The untold horror really begins when the Master rises from his slab in the nearby tomb! He's accompanied by six wives, dressed in atrocious white nightgowns. The women are not awake ten seconds before they start arguing! They can't decide whether to kill the whole family, or to spare the daughter or... After what seems like hours of inane bickering, the gals decide to fight each other, in what must be the most boring catfight ever filmed! They roll around in the sand, shaking and half-heartedly slapping each other. It's like watching a clownschool sorority induction party! Anyway, the Master decides to kill Torgo in another long, drawn out process of immense tedium. The family wanders around in the desert, unable to make any progress escaping, due to their total idiocy. So, they head back to the house of hellishness, only to be confronted by a golfball-eyed Master. Dad shoots him to no avail. This leads to the surprise / shock finale. MANOS is a movie written, produced, and directed by Harold P. Warren. Imagine Ed Wood's brain transplanted into the skull of a chipmunk. Now, give our Ed Wood chipmunk a lobotomy, a pad and pencil, fifty bucks, and a movie-camera. Given enough time, this Ed Woodized rodent would inevitably recreate the stunning masterpiece called MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE...

Rating:
Summary: The hands that time forgot
Review: Ever since MST3K unleashed this flick apon the world (the same way Zappa unleashed the Shaggs on WBCN back in 1971) this film has became a cult classic. I love cheesy bad movies but this one is the alpha-omega of the genre. If someone gave a fertiliser salesman a 8MM Brownie camera, and that guy got a few of his buddies, and conned a few models to wrestle in their nightgowns for comic relief, "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" would be the result. All I can say is Hal Warren, God bless you. You have dethroned Ed Wood as the all time worst film maker. At least Plan 9 was shot on 35MM, Manos looks like it was shot on regular8 and blown up to 16MM. My wife watched it and sat speachless during the whole time. The music is the best, it reminds me of the Mothers Of Invention. Besides the soft jazz vocals you hear during the beginning and end of the film. The majority of the backround music consists of piano, pounding drums and a wailing soprano sax. it rocks out during the "nightgown wresling" scene, Bunk Gardner would be proud. Otherwise the print quality looks the same as the MST3K print, breaks in the film and the same fuzzy sound quality like the mike was 15 feet away from the actors. Besides, I don't want my cheese pasterised, I want to feel the funk. If this was restored to the quality of Star Wars or a Disney flick where every scratch is removed and every flaw is fixed via computer enhancement, it wound't be the same. This is the greatest cheese flick ever made bar-none. Makes a swell gift. Give one send one to a loved one today. It's cheap and will make a LASTING impression ;)

Rating:
Summary: Manos Uncut!
Review: Everybody reading this has probably seen the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" version of Hal P. Warren's "Manos: The Hands of Fate" (heck, I'm willing to bet some of you have seen it many times). Now, for those of you who are adventurous, Alpha has released the uncut, un-MST3K version of "Manos" for people to watch once and put back on their shelves forever, gathering dust.
Scenes that were cut out of the MST3K version are few. The only major deletion is a scene in which the Master slaps one of his wives around a little (the one he was going to burn. Remember her?) along with a few more driving scenes. By the way, without the MST3K commentary, the driving scenes seem just THAT much longer.
As can be expected, the full frame DVD image is abysmal. But I'm not going to complain, since I doubt that anyone one Earth has a pristine copy of "Manos: The Hands of Fate." Plus, a digital restoration would take away some of the fun. Unsurprisingly considering the bargain-bin company that released this, there are no extras.

Rating:
Summary: "MANOS"... The Hands of Fate? Yes, Exactly.
Review: Here it is: the original uncut edition of "MANOS" The Hands of Fate. Manos is the ultimate Mystery Science Theater experiment, and I love the MST treatment, but sometimes you just need to see a film unaltered to truly appreciate it's wretchedness. This is one of those times. This is the original film as envisioned by genius director/writer/actor Harold P. Warren. Really the only difference between this and the MST version is approximately one minute of extraneous filler that the good folks at Best Brains removed to get it to fit into the two hour time slot with the host segments of Joel and the Bots.

I won't bother to review the plot much here as anyone who would be looking this up almost assuredly knows the plot already. In case you don't here is the much abbreviated version: a family gets terrorized by lunatic devil worshippers, one of whom, Torgo, has really big knees. There. That's it. The beauty of seeing this version is in noticing the small things and subtle nuances that aren't obvious from the MST version, most notably clearer dialogue. I would bet that some of little Debbie's lines was dubbed by adults trying to sound like a four year old, for instance. The dialogue is still wretched, of course, but you can hear it better now. You also get the added minute of footage, and a whole new appreciation of how much suffering the people at Best Brains went through watching this repeatedly while writing the MST script.

"Manos" is definitely worth five stars: it truly is one of the most ineptly made films in history. It was the brainchild of Harold Warren, who spent his own money on it, and it brought him ridicule from legions of movie watchers since it was made in 1966. If you are interested in trivia, in addition to Warren's financing, Tom Neyman ('The Master') designed the sets. Neither ever worked in the movies ever again. On a genuinely sad note, the scathing criticism of this film is reportedly one of the things that drove John Reynolds ('Torgo') to suicide within a year after the films release.

It is amazing to think that this movie would have rested in obscurity, never again seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for the MST folks who brought it back into general circulation by mocking its very existence. Go watch the original. It's cheap and it only takes 69 minutes of your time.

Rating:
Summary: "MANOS"... The Hands of Fate? Yes, Exactly.
Review: Here it is: the original uncut edition of "MANOS" The Hands of Fate. Manos is the ultimate Mystery Science Theater experiment, and I love the MST treatment, but sometimes you just need to see a film unaltered to truly appreciate it's wretchedness. This is one of those times. This is the original film as envisioned by genius director/writer/actor Harold P. Warren. Really the only difference between this and the MST version is approximately one minute of extraneous filler that the good folks at Best Brains removed to get it to fit into the two hour time slot with the host segments of Joel and the Bots.

I won't bother to review the plot much here as anyone who would be looking this up almost assuredly knows the plot already. In case you don't here is the much abbreviated version: a family gets terrorized by lunatic devil worshippers, one of whom, Torgo, has really big knees. There. That's it. The beauty of seeing this version is in noticing the small things and subtle nuances that aren't obvious from the MST version, most notably clearer dialogue. I would bet that some of little Debbie's lines was dubbed by adults trying to sound like a four year old, for instance. The dialogue is still wretched, of course, but you can hear it better now. You also get the added minute of footage, and a whole new appreciation of how much suffering the people at Best Brains went through watching this repeatedly while writing the MST script.

"Manos" is definitely worth five stars: it truly is one of the most ineptly made films in history. It was the brainchild of Harold Warren, who spent his own money on it, and it brought him ridicule from legions of movie watchers since it was made in 1966. If you are interested in trivia, in addition to Warren's financing, Tom Neyman ('The Master') designed the sets. Neither ever worked in the movies ever again. On a genuinely sad note, the scathing criticism of this film is reportedly one of the things that drove John Reynolds ('Torgo') to suicide within a year after the films release.

It is amazing to think that this movie would have rested in obscurity, never again seeing the light of day if it hadn't been for the MST folks who brought it back into general circulation by mocking its very existence. Go watch the original. It's cheap and it only takes 69 minutes of your time.

Rating:
Summary: Manos: What was that Fate Again?
Review: Of all of the movies I have ever witnessed, I have labeled 'Manos' the worst. I have never seen 'Plan 9 From Outer Space,' but I have been told in enough detail that this would have given 'Manos' a real run for the money and then some. However, until I see 'Plan 9,' this stills holds the record for a real stinkburger.

Dubbed by Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fans as the best movie ever riffed by the dynamic trio Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo. Well, "best" meaning "the most uckiest movie ever." If you question what MST3000 is, I suggest looking at their version of 'Manos' here on Amazon.

Anyway, 'Manos' starts first with an equally bad, yet in the end likeable-by-default short film, 'Hired: Part II.' This left my younger cousin splitting his seams. He had seen nothing funnier. After 'Manos,' he had forgotten entirely about 'Hired.'

The true tone for 'Manos' is set with the opening 10-minute-drive-to-nowhere. No dialogue, no action, just the family (Mom, Dad, daughter Debbie, and Peppy, the short-lived poodle) driving to the misslabled Valley Lodge. What of this Valley Lodge we are left to wonder. However, that is soon forgotten. The first ten mintues you also get to sample the music to the movie, easy-listening jazz. You will here nothing else besides the "Haunting Torgo Theme."

After the conspicuously incompetent father/husband, whose only defense for getting themselves horribly lost is the Valley Lodge sign, finally stops at a run-down (or is it luxurious? It's hard to tell from shaky camera angles and horribly picture quality) home on the edge of the desert, we finally get a mouthful of the true movie.

The house's caretaker, Torgo, "greets" the family, we finally also get a hint of how horrible the acting is. Torgo is the stuttering, probably perpetual drunk who watches the "Master"'s house while he is away. Torgo's actual eye-candy that will have you snickering are his knees. His pants look like he jammed watermelon halves down the fronts.

From the there, the family is stranded, and after Torgo puts up little resistance at keeping them out, the family is then invited to stay. At first, the Master is merely away, perhaps on a trip of unknown origin. However, later in the movie, he is dead. "But not dead in the way you know it," as Torgo so brilliantly exclaims. Then he is away again. Somebody bungled the script, methinks.

I won't spoil to much. Needless to say, the Master, whose servant is Torgo, of course, is somehow servant to Manos. Who Manos is exactly, we never figure. Perhaps it is the pyre that Torgo is "executed" on. (Torgo's execution, ordered by the Master, is first played out by his many wives who first merely wave their hands around his face in an annoying manner. Then, his left hand is burned off. The last we see of Torgo is his running into the desert. Some execution.) Of course, the Master needs a new Torgo, and what better replacement that Michael, the incompetent father/husband, who greets two young women in the end when they attempt to find the Valley Lodge.

Throughout the whole duration, no more than five minutes of dialogue is netted. Most of that is repetition ("She'll understand, Debbie's my girl. She'll understand." Pause. "Don't worry, dear. Debbie's my girl, she'll understand.") And that also brings up the point of the music. While the Master is out hunting the family, and Torgo is peeping in on the wife, all is set to easy listening jazz. The most foreboding music is the "Haunting Torgo Theme," which is played twice, easy messily cut while Michael bullies Torgo into carrying his bags.

And to end that, I must mention: I, an intelligent youth and my father, an incredibly intelligent man, can still not figure out what, exactly, was the 'Fate' referred to in the title.

Well, that review was long and pointless, but I hope is a help to those who wish to view a HORRIBLE, MOST UCKY AND MISERABLE movie apart from 'Plan 9.' If I were to one-up my suggestion, it would be to purchase the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 edition, which not only features the movie, but the wisecracks and one-liners shot off by Joel and his robot friends.

Well, that is all for now, I guess.

Rating:
Summary: The horror...the horror!
Review: One of the worst days of my life was the day I stepped in a steaming pile of "Manos, the Hands of Fate." I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I bought the original, non MST3K version of the film on DVD, thought I could withstand the gutter level production values, the corpse-like acting from a cast of unknowns, the peppy Muzak soundtrack, the continuity errors, the molasses pacing, the cut and paste editing job, and dialogue that has an affect on the brain not unlike novocaine. I have seen some bad cinema in my short time on planet earth, but "Manos," a film directed, written, and starred in by a fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas, easily sails past such memorable dreck as "Warriors of the Lost World," "Feardotcom," and "Jack Frost." The film was so bad that the cast and crew snuck out of the theater during its premier, probably because they feared the audience would lynch them for unleashing this atrocity on humanity. According to a website dedicated to all things cinema, three of the actors in this film committed suicide within a year of the movie's release. While I hope the poor quality of the picture had nothing to do with these suicides, you will seriously wonder if it did after watching this car wreck.

Considering how this movie consistently fails in nearly every aspect, one important element not lacking is a plot. A family, consisting of mother, father, daughter, and poodle, heads out across the blasted wastelands of Texas on a fun filled trip. The excursion consists of a shifting series of seemingly endless shots of the barren landscape, punctuated occasionally by staccato bursts of nonsensical dialogue. Moreover, the first strains of elevator music play over the proceedings. You will learn to loathe this music, but at first it's sort of funny to hear these types of tunes in a film. The family ends up arriving at a decrepit house populated by the film's strangest character (and that says a lot). This is Torgo; a bizarre looking dolt who whispers stuff about "Master," sways a lot, and shambles around while whimsical music plays. He also takes a hankering to the mom character, has kneecaps the size of tires, and acts as the procurer of hapless victims for this enigmatic "Master." By the time I reached this point in the feature, I began mentally willing time to move faster. I looked at my watch so many times I suffered compound whiplash. But the Muzak kept playin', Torgo kept shufflin', and the dialogue kept getting dumber, so I kept watchin'. What can I say? I'm an idiot that way.

After the poodle and the daughter disappear, the parents become alarmed about Torgo's antics. Dad heads out into the dark desert to look for his kid and runs into a heap of trouble. It turns out "Master" and a number of his scantily clad wives are holding a secret ritual that requires the family to play a pivotal role. "Manos" shifts focus significantly here, as we see the inner workings of these odd characters. What do they do? Not much. Master wears a nifty cape with two large hands stitched on it (the best effect in the film, actually) while he rants and raves, and the women stand around gabbing or wrestling with each other. Torgo gets into so much trouble that Master decides to sacrifice him for his crimes in a spectacularly boring way. Why? Who knows? Who cares? If you're so involved in the film that you need answers to these questions, you have problems in need of serious resolution. The story fails in many ways but succeeds wildly in one important aspect-it ends.

"Manos, the Hands of Fate" reminded me of another film I watched recently, the incredibly awful "Invasion of the Blood Farmers." Both movies looked terrible but had a weird appeal, much like a car accident on the highway. You know you shouldn't look at human misery and suffering, but you simply cannot help doing so. One reason you look at such a horrific tragedy is for life affirming reasons; you're so thankful that isn't you and yours stretched out on the road. The same principle applies here. I'm so glad I had nothing to do with the production of "Manos, the Hands of Fate" that watching the whole thing provides a certain measure of detached relief. This principle is completely theoretical, of course, but it does justify why I let the DVD run all the way to the end. For some reason, claiming to love bad cinema for the sake of its badness just doesn't seem enough with movies like "Manos" and "Invasion of the Blood Farmers." In fact, promoting this picture as "so bad its good" in certain circles would probably get you taken out behind the woodshed. Watch "Manos, the Hands of Fate" as a metaphysical exercise and you'll probably emerge unscathed. Maybe. O.K., probably not, but I'm just trying to make the experience easier for you.

If you really must view this abomination, at least you won't pay a heavy monetary price to do so. Forget about any extras on the DVD-there aren't any, and that's how it should be for such a wretched piece of refuse. And really, why would you want a widescreen, crystal clear picture transfer, trailers, interviews, behind the scenes footage, commentaries, film history, and stills when a film like this one goes above and beyond the call of duty? "Manos, the Hands of Fate" is one of the seven wonders of the cinematic world. Enjoy, if you dare!

Rating:
Summary: The horror...the horror!
Review: One of the worst days of my life was the day I stepped in a steaming pile of "Manos, the Hands of Fate." I thought I knew what I was getting myself into when I bought the original, non MST3K version of the film on DVD, thought I could withstand the gutter level production values, the corpse-like acting from a cast of unknowns, the peppy Muzak soundtrack, the continuity errors, the molasses pacing, the cut and paste editing job, and dialogue that has an affect on the brain not unlike novocaine. I have seen some bad cinema in my short time on planet earth, but "Manos," a film directed, written, and starred in by a fertilizer salesman from El Paso, Texas, easily sails past such memorable dreck as "Warriors of the Lost World," "Feardotcom," and "Jack Frost." The film was so bad that the cast and crew snuck out of the theater during its premier, probably because they feared the audience would lynch them for unleashing this atrocity on humanity. According to a website dedicated to all things cinema, three of the actors in this film committed suicide within a year of the movie's release. While I hope the poor quality of the picture had nothing to do with these suicides, you will seriously wonder if it did after watching this car wreck.

Considering how this movie consistently fails in nearly every aspect, one important element not lacking is a plot. A family, consisting of mother, father, daughter, and poodle, heads out across the blasted wastelands of Texas on a fun filled trip. The excursion consists of a shifting series of seemingly endless shots of the barren landscape, punctuated occasionally by staccato bursts of nonsensical dialogue. Moreover, the first strains of elevator music play over the proceedings. You will learn to loathe this music, but at first it's sort of funny to hear these types of tunes in a film. The family ends up arriving at a decrepit house populated by the film's strangest character (and that says a lot). This is Torgo; a bizarre looking dolt who whispers stuff about "Master," sways a lot, and shambles around while whimsical music plays. He also takes a hankering to the mom character, has kneecaps the size of tires, and acts as the procurer of hapless victims for this enigmatic "Master." By the time I reached this point in the feature, I began mentally willing time to move faster. I looked at my watch so many times I suffered compound whiplash. But the Muzak kept playin', Torgo kept shufflin', and the dialogue kept getting dumber, so I kept watchin'. What can I say? I'm an idiot that way.

After the poodle and the daughter disappear, the parents become alarmed about Torgo's antics. Dad heads out into the dark desert to look for his kid and runs into a heap of trouble. It turns out "Master" and a number of his scantily clad wives are holding a secret ritual that requires the family to play a pivotal role. "Manos" shifts focus significantly here, as we see the inner workings of these odd characters. What do they do? Not much. Master wears a nifty cape with two large hands stitched on it (the best effect in the film, actually) while he rants and raves, and the women stand around gabbing or wrestling with each other. Torgo gets into so much trouble that Master decides to sacrifice him for his crimes in a spectacularly boring way. Why? Who knows? Who cares? If you're so involved in the film that you need answers to these questions, you have problems in need of serious resolution. The story fails in many ways but succeeds wildly in one important aspect-it ends.

"Manos, the Hands of Fate" reminded me of another film I watched recently, the incredibly awful "Invasion of the Blood Farmers." Both movies looked terrible but had a weird appeal, much like a car accident on the highway. You know you shouldn't look at human misery and suffering, but you simply cannot help doing so. One reason you look at such a horrific tragedy is for life affirming reasons; you're so thankful that isn't you and yours stretched out on the road. The same principle applies here. I'm so glad I had nothing to do with the production of "Manos, the Hands of Fate" that watching the whole thing provides a certain measure of detached relief. This principle is completely theoretical, of course, but it does justify why I let the DVD run all the way to the end. For some reason, claiming to love bad cinema for the sake of its badness just doesn't seem enough with movies like "Manos" and "Invasion of the Blood Farmers." In fact, promoting this picture as "so bad its good" in certain circles would probably get you taken out behind the woodshed. Watch "Manos, the Hands of Fate" as a metaphysical exercise and you'll probably emerge unscathed. Maybe. O.K., probably not, but I'm just trying to make the experience easier for you.

If you really must view this abomination, at least you won't pay a heavy monetary price to do so. Forget about any extras on the DVD-there aren't any, and that's how it should be for such a wretched piece of refuse. And really, why would you want a widescreen, crystal clear picture transfer, trailers, interviews, behind the scenes footage, commentaries, film history, and stills when a film like this one goes above and beyond the call of duty? "Manos, the Hands of Fate" is one of the seven wonders of the cinematic world. Enjoy, if you dare!

Rating:
Summary: The Worst Of The Worst
Review: Sorry Ed Wood freaks, but MANOS is the worst film of all time. This film is so sorry in every aspect of production that it makes Wood's 50's films seem like quality big studio B pictures. Poorly shot, poorly written, poorly acted, poorly dubbed, you cannot help but love this grade z masterpiece. Alpha Video does this anti-masterpiece all the justice it desearves. Which isn't much, but then again, I don't think this is high on Criterion's "To Do" list. The best $7 bucks you will spend all week.

Rating:
Summary: Manos: What was that Fate Again?
Review: This is my second attempt at reviewing this movie. Perhaps my first post made it and maybe it didn't. I don't think it did, but if it did, totally ignore the second (or is it first?) post.

Of all of the movies I have ever witnessed, I have labeled 'Manos' the worst. I have never seen 'Plan 9 From Outer Space,' but I have been told in enough detail that this would have given 'Manos' a real run for the money and then some. However, until I see 'Plan 9,' this stills holds the record for a real stinkburger.

Dubbed by Mystery Science Theatre 3000 fans as the best movie ever riffed by the dynamic trio Joel, Crow, and Tom Servo. Well, "best" meaning "the most uckiest movie ever." If you question what MST3000 is, I suggest looking at their version of 'Manos' here on Amazon.

Anyway, 'Manos' starts first with an equally bad, yet in the end likeable-by-default short film, 'Hired: Part II.' This left my younger cousin splitting his seams. He had seen nothing funnier. After 'Manos,' he had forgotten entirely about 'Hired.'

The true tone for 'Manos' is set with the opening 10-minute-drive-to-nowhere. No dialogue, no action, just the family (Mom, Dad, daughter Debbie, and Peppy, the short-lived poodle) driving to the misslabled Valley Lodge. What of this Valley Lodge we are left to wonder. However, that is soon forgotten. The first ten mintues you also get to sample the music to the movie, easy-listening jazz. You will here nothing else besides the "Haunting Torgo Theme."

After the conspicuously incompetent father/husband, whose only defense for getting themselves horribly lost is the Valley Lodge sign, finally stops at a run-down (or is it luxurious? It's hard to tell from shaky camera angles and horribly picture quality) home on the edge of the desert, we finally get a mouthful of the true movie.

The house's caretaker, Torgo, "greets" the family, we finally also get a hint of how horrible the acting is. Torgo is the stuttering, probably perpetual drunk who watches the "Master"'s house while he is away. Torgo's actual eye-candy that will have you snickering are his knees. His pants look like he jammed watermelon halves down the fronts.

From the there, the family is stranded, and after Torgo puts up little resistance at keeping them out, the family is then invited to stay. At first, the Master is merely away, perhaps on a trip of unknown origin. However, later in the movie, he is dead. "But not dead in the way you know it," as Torgo so brilliantly exclaims. Then he is away again. Somebody bungled the script, methinks.

I won't spoil to much. Needless to say, the Master, whose servant is Torgo, of course, is somehow servant to Manos. Who Manos is exactly, we never figure. Perhaps it is the pyre that Torgo is "executed" on. (Torgo's execution, ordered by the Master, is first played out by his many wives who first merely wave their hands around his face in an annoying manner. Then, his left hand is burned off. The last we see of Torgo is his running into the desert. Some execution.) Of course, the Master needs a new Torgo, and what better replacement that Michael, the incompetent father/husband, who greets two young women in the end when they attempt to find the Valley Lodge.

Throughout the whole duration, no more than five minutes of dialogue is netted. Most of that is repetition ("She'll understand, Debbie's my girl. She'll understand." Pause. "Don't worry, dear. Debbie's my girl, she'll understand.") And that also brings up the point of the music. While the Master is out hunting the family, and Torgo is peeping in on the wife, all is set to easy listening jazz. The most foreboding music is the "Haunting Torgo Theme," which is played twice, easy messily cut while Michael bullies Torgo into carrying his bags.

And to end that, I must mention: I, an intelligent youth and my father, an incredibly intelligent man, can still not figure out what, exactly, was the 'Fate' referred to in the title.

Well, that review was long and pointless, but I hope is a help to those who wish to view a HORRIBLE, MOST UCKY AND MISERABLE movie apart from 'Plan 9.' If I were to one-up my suggestion, it would be to purchase the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 edition, which not only features the movie, but the wisecracks and one-liners shot off by Joel and his robot friends.

Well, that is all for now, I guess.