Rating: 
Summary: Udo Dracula, hmm.
Review: Thursday, January 20, 2005 / 3 of 5 / Udo Dracula, hmm.
I was obliquely aware of this title while I was collecting the various Hammer Dracula's recently. Not knowing too much of the back story with Andy Warhol's involvement, but mildly curious to see how Udo Kier would look as Dracula I decided to give it a try. Udo's Dracula is a vain fop in a supremely weakened state. He has to head to Italy in search of `weergins' to sate his hunger, having dispensed with most of the locals and seeing modern times' sexual mores deplete the supply. With the help of his faithful assistant who I found probably the most amusing part of the story they arrive at an Italian estate in disrepair and he courts the four daughters of the house with varying degrees of success; due to the Marxist hunky worker already going through them. One often hears the term `camp' associated with this film and its companion piece. I suppose there were a few smirks solicited from it, but it hit me as somewhat average. We'll see how Flesh for Frankenstein goes next.
Rating: 
Summary: Mediocre Morrisey
Review: Two of my all-time favorite movies are those created by Andy Warhol's partner, Paul Morrisey: "Flesh" and "Trash." Maybe I was expecting some of the same raw, hysterical, mesmerizing energy of those two classics when I watched this visually beautiful Criterion DVD presentation. It ain't nothing like my two faves. Joe Dellasandro is the main reason I wantd to see this flick and this Bronx bad boy does look fabulous, as always, in the nude. He was at his physical peak and it's amazing how similar he looks to a young Clint Eastwood. But Joe is forced to read lines and asked to act. This is not his forte. But in one scene, where the two sisters are making out in the background, the camera frames Joe in a ravishing close-up as he combs his hair. His face was built for the camera. The rest of the movie is a chore to sit through. This was made back-to-back with "Flesh of Frankenstein." The commentaries are flat and uninvolving because you learn little about the mechanics of the scenes. Morrisey talks endlessly about how much he loves putting shadows around the actor's faces but I wanted to hear more about how he set up the scenes, the problems he might have faced with his colorful cast, and especially his take on the glorious Joe. Factoid: Roman Polanski plays one of the very sexy and hunky bar flies in a curious scene that seems to have no place in the movie.
Rating: 
Summary: I wanna hold ya til the fear in me subsides.
Review: Udo Kier, God bless him. In terms of bad actors, Udo is like a deity, hovering at the skyline of the cosmos alongside such titans as the guy that played Prof. Brown in Pieces. I don't imagine I have to point out the fact that Udo should be in EVERY movie ever made.This is about the worst Dracula ever. Shades of Buffalo Bill. It begins with Udo sitting in front of a vanity mirror (oblivious to the fact that he casts no reflection, I guess) painting black dye over his hoary white hair with a house painting brush large enough to cover a gutter. This chilling, otherworldly scene sets the tone for all that follows. Dracula must embark on a quest to secure the coveted, now-infamous wirgin blood to maintain his eternal existence. So, Dracula, saying goodbye to his SISTER, fetches his toadie, packs up in the ole' family scar, and takes to the road. Operation: Wirgin Blood has now begun; the game is afoot. Eventually Dracula finds this estate, where the farmer has in his care a whole throng of absolutely hideous daughters. Now, by the father's account, these are all good, clean, corn-fed wirgins, just what a vampire needs. Aha, the hawk strikes. Meticulously, Udo begins moving in on the daughters. It must be stated that, though he is Dracula, Prince of Darkness, Udo has no shapeshifting abilities, no invulnerabilities, no sorcery, no demonic magnetism, and no super strength. When trying to seduce the wirgins doesn't work, Udo chages tactics and tries to overpower them physically. Come, see this movie, watch Count Dracula get slapped around like a schoolyard sissy by his unarmed female prey. Eventually, Dracula's persistence pays off, and he scores, but much to his horror, minutes later when he's puking over the edge of the guest room bathtub, he realizes that the wirgins are not wirgins at all, and the blood, much like mayonnaise, is killing him! There is in fact one wirgin daughter, who has fallen under the spell of the stable boy. The stable boy is the consummate, inviolate piece of garbage. Slouching, foul-mouthed, a malingering lowlife rapist who spends his free time spewing mouthfuls of ill-informed Communism. So now we have this "hero" set against the wicked devices of Count Dracula. Operartion: Wirgin is now compromised. Dracula must proceed carefully. A little while later, the Communist stable body comes at Udo with an ordinary, garden variety wood axe---the bane of every self-respecting Incubus. He begins chopping Dracula apart, limb by limb, while the vampire runs like the wind, limbless with his evil cape streaming behind him. In the end, the stable scum chops him down to pretty much a body and a head, and Udo is like, "You fool, you can't kill me, I'm not one of you!" It is uncertain as to exactly what Udo meant by that obtuse statement, but that was probably because you have to be a vampire to understand it. Short of another Udo Kier classic, the House on Straw Hill, otherwise known as "Expose", this is probably about the best of the Udo legacy, with Flesh for Frankenstein coming at a very close second. This is the one of the worst movies ever made. Oh yeah, baby. Look for the upcoming sequel, Operation: Wirgin vs Plan 9 From Outer Space.
Rating:
Summary: Enormously Entertaining Camp
Review: When I see a film with "Andy Warhol Presents" near the title, I cringe. For the record, I think that a guy who paints pictures of Campbell soup cans and passes it off as satiric art deserves my scorn. Moreover, I think a society reveals its moral bankruptcy when it elevates an odd duck like Warhol and his acolytes into figures worthy of worship. My personal opinions about Warhol and his "Factory" caused me a good measure of turmoil after I watched Paul Morrissey's "Blood for Dracula." This campy retelling of the Dracula legend is, by all accounts, closely associated with Warhol's forays into various forms of media, so if I despise Warhol I must necessarily despise this picture. I can't make that leap, however, because I discovered much to my liking in this cheesy movie. Discovering that Criterion actually released this on DVD might well be the biggest shock of them all; anyone familiar with the home video market recognizes Criterion's reputation for releasing some of the finest films ever made. Oh, how I dislike these dilemmas! "Blood for Dracula" opens with a pathetic Count Dracula lumbering through his musty castle in Romania. It's the early twentieth century, and Drac finally realizes that the good old days are long gone. Once upon a time, a hard working vampire with charm and a little money could easily woo plenty of young virgins and sup on their blood at leisure. Now with those pesky modern ideas, a gal just doesn't keep herself pure until marriage anymore. This causes the Count a lot of trouble, especially since he suffers violent spasms whenever he imbibes the blood of a deflowered youngster. This poor guy's starving to death until his personal servant Anton proposes a brilliant idea: why not move to Italy? Virgins abound in that sunny clime, assures the valet, because with the Catholic Church's influence in the region all of the girls assume a dignity sorely lacking in the bleak atmospheres of the East. With nothing to lose, the good Count agrees to leave his castle and head to Italy. Like most tourists, he's just looking for a good meal. The fact that the Count's car sports a wheelchair and coffin strapped to the roof doesn't faze these two travelers in the least. All one need say is that the coffin holds a loved one headed for burial in Italy. Once Count Dracula and his assistant reach Italy, they quickly fall in with a decaying noble family with four lovely daughters. Now all the Count must do is find out which one is the virgin and his health will improve in direct proportion to the amount of blood he drains from her neck. The only problem with this plot concerns the nature of this family. None of the marriageable daughters possess virginal attributes. In fact, these young ladies are complete degenerates who spend most of their waking moments down at the handyman's cottage or in each other's arms. To further complicate matters, the handyman subscribes heart and soul to the doctrines of communism, and he definitely does not like the Count's aristocratic manners or the idea of one of his young conquests married off to this Romanian intruder. This young communist soon discovers the Count's secret and dispatches the vampire in a sufficiently gruesome manner. "Blood for Dracula" assembles the necessities for a campy film: atrocious acting, cheesy gore, and laughable dialogue. Simultaneously, the movie contains lavish set pieces, good costumes, lots of nudity, and several nifty twists on the Dracula legend. Morrissey's film also throws in a charming musical score by Claudio Gizzi that seems out of place in such a trashy film. You would think this movie is high art after listening to the quaint sounds of piano washing over the menu screen, and you would be wrong. This production attains a high cheese content from the opening sequence to the closing credits. That doesn't mean the film dives for the gutter all of the time: the plot adroitly deals with European class issues through the characters of the Count and Mario, the commie handyman. Many of the erotic sequences include dialogue about the rich versus the poor, and the handyman's sexual power over the wealthy daughters hints at the triumph of the working class over the decadent rich. The acting steals the show in "Blood for Dracula." I've watched thousands of films throughout my thirty odd years of existence, and I've rarely seen overacting reach these heights. Everyone's guilty here, but Udo Kier as Dracula, Joe Dallesandro as the handyman Mario, and Arno Juerging as Dracula's servant Anton are the most egregious offenders. Dallesandro gives a new meaning to the term "wooden," with facial expressions carved from granite and dialogue delivered in a Brooklyn accent totally out of place on an Italian estate. Udo Kier screams his lines in a German accent so over the top that my ribs hurt from the concussive blasts of laughter rocketing out of my mouth whenever he appeared on screen. Arno Juerging takes his accent one step further, if that's possible, with every utterance simmering with implied threat. Why are Dracula and Anton so angry all the time? Who knows, but it's hilarious to watch. Overkill is the name of the game in this film. I chortled and guffawed through every scene in this movie. I went in expecting to hate "Blood for Dracula" and emerged with an excellent opinion of the proceedings. If you enjoy cheese as much as I do, you must pop this classic in the DVD player soon. Criterion throws in a commentary with Kier and Morrissey, a stills gallery set to the beautiful musical score, and a great transfer of the movie to conclude the package. I can't recommend it enough.
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