Python II

Rating:
Summary: Not the worst movie ever, but by far the most inept.
Review: I can't solemnly swear that I actually watched all of Python II, rather after ten minutes I screwed around on amazon.com etc and just listened to the dialogue and checking out the screen every 30 seconds or so.

Do I really need to tell you that plot (involving, *gasp* the military!) is simplistic contrived and lame? That it will find inconsequential characters in the bowels of a facility? That we learn most of their names when they die and another character screams "Mike! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"? That the special effects on the covor are about as good as the ones in the film? That the dialogue is like listening to a parrot strapped into a cuisinart? Or that the score uses snare drums when the military men appear? Or that there is not an iota of tension, fear or humor?

I mean, c'mon... the film is called PYTHON II (do I need to tell you that the roman numeral 2 is actually a pair of red slash marks?)

It's worse than Carnosaur.....

It's not however, the worst film ever made. It isn't offensive, just jaw-dropping, shockingly, mind-bogglingly awful, and an utter waste of time.

By the way, if you and your buds are looking to get drunk and make fun of a bad horror film for kicks don't come near this... I recommend JEEPERS CREEPERS 2 for that

Rating:
Summary: Python II
Review: I really loved Python 1 after I bought it, so I ordered Python II off of amazon and it was great! It's not as entertaining and definetly not as funny as the first Python, but it's still fun to watch. Greg Larson(William "Billy" Zabka) returns in Python II as Agent Larson on a mission to capture another large snake that has again escaped due to an airplane crash. This time around the battle rages on in Russia. I wish there were some more special features on this disk, a commentary would be cool.

Rating:
Summary: Why doesn't the world just end?
Review: It blew my expectations into a million pieces, much like the million pieces of fragmented plot and poor acting. One 80 foot snake can fit into a box the size of a refrigerator, and still have room to coil and attack male nurses who are inexplicably in a military base.
It is interesting to note that of the list of four cast members profiled in special features, one is in the first ten minutes of the movie only.

Rating:
Summary: MONTY'S MORE FRIGHTENING
Review: Okay, we open with this brother American army dude telling these Russain soldiers what their mission is: capture (not kill) a huge python that somehow got thrown out of a plane and landed in Russia? Then we have this big fight scene where we hardly ever see the snake; unfortunately, with the major supporting cast being Russian or something, we can't hardly ever understand what they are saying. Then, when they load the snake onto a plane, some Russian rebels for no apparent reason shoot the plane down and the snake ends up in a Russian laboratory. Next we meet Dana Ashbrook as an American ex-baseball player who is now running a transport service with his Russian wife. They meet the irrepressible William Zabka as some kind of American dude who hires them to transport something (obviously the snake)...from here on, it's simply a matter of chasing and dodging the snake(s)---where did the other one come from! Whew!
Here's the bottom line:
STORY: Miserably constructed; the ex-baseball player obviously hit somebody so hard with one of his pitches that he is now paralyzed? Oh, boy! Score: 0
CAST: Poor William Zabka. This guy has played bad since his debut in KARATE KID, and it's a shame. He has a tough guy, yet boyish good looks, but he always plays the butthole. Let's give him a movie where he is the hero for a change. Dana Ashbrook of FALCON CREST has always been one of those actors who manages to constantly annoy me; his scene where he throws the bomb into the snake's mouth is one of the funniest scenes I've witnessed in a horror movie; come on! The rest of the cast is Russian, so who knows if they were any good or not. SCORE: 2 (for Zabka only).
TECHNICAL: Poor, to say the least.
DIRECTION: What? Did somebody helm this movie? SCORE: 0

Rating:
Summary: MONTY'S MORE FRIGHTENING
Review: Okay, we open with this brother American army dude telling these Russain soldiers what their mission is: capture (not kill) a huge python that somehow got thrown out of a plane and landed in Russia? Then we have this big fight scene where we hardly ever see the snake; unfortunately, with the major supporting cast being Russian or something, we can't hardly ever understand what they are saying. Then, when they load the snake onto a plane, some Russian rebels for no apparent reason shoot the plane down and the snake ends up in a Russian laboratory. Next we meet Dana Ashbrook as an American ex-baseball player who is now running a transport service with his Russian wife. They meet the irrepressible William Zabka as some kind of American dude who hires them to transport something (obviously the snake)...from here on, it's simply a matter of chasing and dodging the snake(s)---where did the other one come from! Whew!
Here's the bottom line:
STORY: Miserably constructed; the ex-baseball player obviously hit somebody so hard with one of his pitches that he is now paralyzed? Oh, boy! Score: 0
CAST: Poor William Zabka. This guy has played bad since his debut in KARATE KID, and it's a shame. He has a tough guy, yet boyish good looks, but he always plays the butthole. Let's give him a movie where he is the hero for a change. Dana Ashbrook of FALCON CREST has always been one of those actors who manages to constantly annoy me; his scene where he throws the bomb into the snake's mouth is one of the funniest scenes I've witnessed in a horror movie; come on! The rest of the cast is Russian, so who knows if they were any good or not. SCORE: 2 (for Zabka only).
TECHNICAL: Poor, to say the least.
DIRECTION: What? Did somebody helm this movie? SCORE: 0

Rating:
Summary: Better than the first, but that doesn't say much
Review: The best thing about this sequel is probably that we don't have Casper Van Diem's fake southern accent from the first movie.

What we do have is an operation to take an 85-foot 12-ton python from a cave in Russia to the US. This is to be done by an American officer leading Russian troops. They are pretty successful but are then shot down (no, I don't know why).

Then, a failed baseball player and his Russian wife who run a shipping company, run afoul of one of their accounts only to be rescued by a mysterious American (sure looked and sounded Russian to me).

Turns out he is the cop from the first movie. He needs their truck to pick up some cargo from a crash.

Meanwhile, at a Russian army base, a box about seven feet by three feet by four feet supposedly has the title creature in it. Well, they open it and the snake comes out. In one scene there is more sake sticking out of the bow then the box could hold (yeah, right!).

Soon we have tense scenes of our heroes and the snakes (did you say 'snakes'?) running around the caverns of the base. It all works out in the end but we never find out why there was more than one snake.

We also never find out what the python was doing in a Russian cave. If it was genetically created, how did it get there? This and other questions are never answered.

One good aspect was that a lot of the snake scenes had the snake off-camera, thus allowing for better suspense and a savings in CGI.