Rating: 
Summary: What can be said that hasn't already?
Review: I can forgive bad acting, stupid effects and maybe even completely distorting the Biblical story. I can forgive these things if the script was even moderately clever. Which is why I can't forgive this piece of garbage. When this movie was trying to be clever, it succeeded only in being annoying. Stay away. Stay far away.
Rating:
Summary: YET ANOTHER TITLE FOR "BAD MOVIE NIGHT"
Review: Religiously, this movie is so way off-base that your jaw will drop in disbelief at what goes on within the script (such as God abandoning Noah during the flood because He needs time to "think" about the fate of the human race, or admitting to Noah that He sometimes makes mistakes, too). But, hey, the movie's been made and the damage is already done. As a putrid piece of celluloid fluff, this one ranks up there with other bad movies like "Can't Stop The Music" and "Xanadu". It's perfect for Bad Movie Night, if you're into that sort of thing. The plot line is flimsy, the special effects are cheap, and the acting is bad. The movie did elicit a few chuckles, but I don't think that was the producers' intention. Some scenes are downright ludicrous, such as when Noah and his wife try to find one good person in Sodom. They settle on Lot who, although he participated in a drunken feast and orgy earlier in the movie (offscreen, thankfully), is chosen ONLY because he's Noah's best friend. This is how they pick people to be saved from the wrath of God! Or when Noah gets help from God after complaining that he'll never get the Ark finished in time for the flood; he wakes up with what looks like the lumber yard at Home Depot (didn't know they had 2X4's in those days?...you do now!). Or why Noah and his wife have American accents, while their three sons have British accents, which they still have well into their early 20's! The inaccuracies go on and on. One thing that must be mentioned is that this is a heavily edited version of the original that appeared on TV: gone are the flood-surviving fireball-throwing pirates (fireballs in a wooden ship, go figure!), the anti-pre-marital sex gorilla, the obnoxiously stupid talking puppet made from an orange, and the hysterically yet unintentionally funny pooping koala blooper scene. So what's left is a story that rushes through everything and gets nothing accomplished.
Rating:
Summary: Is it possible to rate anything lower than one star?
Review: I thought Jon Voight reached the bottom of the barrel in ANACONDA,but I was wrong! He surpassed himself with this pitiful waste of celluloid! How people like James Coburn and Mary Steenburgen could lend their names to this "movie" is totally beyond me! At times,I couldn`t work out whether it was meant to be taken seriously or not. Occasionally,it bordered on a spoof, and I have to confess, I did work up a giggle at times.(maybe through embarrasment!) A SHOCKER!
Rating:
Summary: Waterworld meets Noah
Review: What was this? It's inaccurate, ridiculous and boring. At times I felt like watching missing scenes from Waterworld (punks, pirates, etc). Don't waste your money neither your time. Better open the Bible. (I give this movie minus 5 stars)
Rating:
Summary: Entertainment - Lousy. Biblical portrayal - Lousy
Review: There are two ways to look at this film. From an entertainment standpoint, and from a biblical standpoint. To be a success in terms of entertainment a movie must demonstrate above average acting, believable special effects, some type of emotional attachment to one or all of the characters, and a story line that reaches out and grabs. Noah's Arc has not acheived ANY of these save a stab at the last. Biblically speaking, if this movie was meant to be accurate, the writers must not have cracked their Bible's since they were in pre-school, if even then. If it wasn't mean to be accurate, why did they call it Noah's Arc. It seems that the script was intentionally written to undermine the Bible. For example. The Bible gives no evidence that Lot was present during the flood, and plenty of evidence to the contrary, most of all the fact that Lot was not on the Arc. The Bible tells us that Lot was a righeous man. In the film Lot says to his wife "the historians will probably try to say we weren't even here". Secondly, the writers have attempted to mix two events, that of Soddom and Gamorrah, and that of the flood. Absurdity of the worst kind considering what Book is being poked fun of. If the authors wanted to be so inaccurate why didn't they just call the movie "Bobo's Rowboat" or something, then at least the movie would have gotten better reviews for its similarities to Biblical stories. No matter what way you look at the movie, it was a flop. As a film viewer I was very dissapointed, as a Christian I was very offended. Hollywood should take more pride in what it decides America should see.
Rating: 
Summary: OK, but violent.
Review: This movie starts out with a terribly violent battle in which Noah is in. The film goes on slowly and just when you think the violence has ended, there's more. 10 year olds may enjoy it, but this is not a good family movie. However, despite all the violence, Voight does a good job as Noah.
Rating:
Summary: Don't Bother
Review: If you are looking for an accurate biblical depiction to share with your family...DON"T BUY THIS. Biblical chronology is all messed up. God is portrayed as being cruel. The acting stinks and it is so off the mark that my daughter (age 22 and not particullary religious said "Someone's gonna be struck dead for this one!" My Advice? Read trhe book and wait for a movie by TNT. (Their movies on Abraham, Moses, and Joseph were exceptional)
Rating:
Summary: Even Worse than you think
Review: If you are under the impression that this story resembles what you learned in Bible School, think again. All concerned parents must not allow their kids to see this video unsupervised. If you must see it,(as I would not recommend it) please review it first.
Rating:
Summary: Even the effects were terrible.
Review: I've seen a number of reviews that say "the only good thing was the special effects" and "the special effects were good, but..." Far be it from me to suggest anyone suffer through this abomination again, but repeated viewings would make it clear that the special effects were, in fact, lousy. The bluescreened animals entering the Ark are an excellent example. First of all, since they seem to have had the animals anyway, why the bluescreen? And secondly, if they *had* to bluescreen, couldn't they at least have added the appropriate shadows? Just another bad thing about this abysmal affair. Forget about Biblical inaccuracies. If this were called "Edgar's Big Boat" and no one had ever heard the Genesis story, it still wouldn've been terrible.
Rating:
Summary: Can you rate a movie with a negative number of stars?
Review: If so, I would give this a -10. It's Horrible. Simply Horrible, with a capital H. I was taken in by the hype surrounding this mini-series, only to turn it off in the first 30 minutes. Poetic license is naming Noah's wife. Dramatic effects are the dialoge between Noah and his neighbors. Thank God I didn't watch through to the pirates attacking the ark. When it comes to this movie, just say "no."
|
