Rating: 
Summary: The "Citizen Kane" of cardboard box movies!
Review:
Apparently, Ed Wood was still alive as recently as 1996; using the alias "Anthony Doublin" while directing the completely INSANE "Future War". Right away, one would assume that this film somehow involves some sort of warfare, taking place in some later period of time? Well, no, because by making that assumption, one also mistakenly assumes that sensible people wrote, directed, acted, or even catered this production. Actually, this film takes place in present-day Los Angeles.
I learned a lot from this film. Having not been to L.A. in decades, I was rather surprised to see the place largely deserted and dominated by cardboard box storage houses. Either that, or this film was funded by the Georgia-Pacific company. Also, judging by the title, I've learned that a "War" is not limited to armies of thousands, but can also be defined by a couple of overweight guys in leather and facepaint with some styrofoam dinosaurs chasing a guy that likes to stretch his eyelids and lips to their limits whenever possible.
Daniel Bernhardt (a poor man's Van Damme!) is a human slave who escapes his cyborg captors and winds up in the empty part of L.A. The cyborgs aren't going to let him go, so they go down and chase him around with their quite non-agile dinosaurs (I'm not sure if the cyborgs owned the dinosaurs or stole them from a miniature golf course). Luckily, it takes little effort to defeat these dinosaurs in combat (Bernhardt probably had to pull his punches and kicks, since styrofoam can split quite easily).
And on to the legendary fight between Bernhardt and a cyborg played by Robert Z'Dar (the film's best and most accomplished actor!). Bernhardt runs past some empty cardboard boxes... Z'Dar powerfully breaks through that mighty barrier; Bernhardt in an incredibly display of strength and dexterity, heaves a box at Z'Dar, who is equally up to the challenge! Man, if an empty cardboard box can't bring him down, what can? Bernhardt runs through more boxes and... and... well, I leave the rest of the fight to your imagination, I don't want to spoil it.
The bulk of the film has to do with Bernhardt meeting a nun and a couple other people and avoiding more cyborgs and police officers played by actors and scripted to act pretty much the opposite of how actual police officers act when faced with a dinosaur or a nun and a dopey guy. I'm not entirely sure how the movie ended, my DVD spit it out before that. I think it was because the previous DVD I had in there was "Raging Bull", and the resulting massive shock from following it up with "Future War" caused a malfunction.
Rating:
Summary: If you've got money to burn...
Review: ...BURN IT! Don't spend it on this laughable excuse for a movie, especially with that price (that can't be right). The only way I'd justify paying even regular price for this flick is if MST3K released it as part of its video series (which I hope happens because it's one of the best eps of MST3K's final season). Or just catch the rerun on SCI FI.
Rating:
Summary: Crummy - Reprehensible - Abhorrent - Purile
Review: As you can tell from the other interviews this movie is just about the worst film ever made. Let me see how many different words I can use to describe it: Boring - Unbearable - Laughable - Lousy Stupid - Horrible - Insipid - Terrible I could go on with such descriptions but you probably get the point.
Daniel Bernhardt is a horrible actor and has no individual characteristics that make him stand out. I see that he is going to be in both MATRIX sequels. While I loved the MATRIX I now have serious doubts as to the quality of the sequel. I wouldn't watch this film voluntarily but I may make my kids watch it the next time I need to punish them.
Rating:
Summary: Crummy - Reprehensible - Abhorrent - Purile
Review: As you can tell from the other interviews this movie is just about the worst film ever made. Let me see how many different words I can use to describe it: Boring - Unbearable - Laughable - Lousy Stupid - Horrible - Insipid - Terrible I could go on with such descriptions but you probably get the point.
Daniel Bernhardt is a horrible actor and has no individual characteristics that make him stand out. I see that he is going to be in both MATRIX sequels. While I loved the MATRIX I now have serious doubts as to the quality of the sequel. I wouldn't watch this film voluntarily but I may make my kids watch it the next time I need to punish them.
Rating:
Summary: MST3k at its absolute best
Review: Future War is Daniel Bernhadrt's message to the world that his movies are like this and he doesn't even care. It's bad enough that he looks so much like Jean-Claude Van Damme in the first place, but does he have to make the exact same kind of movies too? Also, say what you want about Van Damme, but at least the titles of his movies make sense! The plot is that a slave (who is never given a name) escapes from his cyborg captors in the future and goes to present day LA. How did he go back in time? We never really do find out. He runs into a reformed hooker who is now a nun and runs a halfway house for the obese. Do I really need to tell you that all the obese guys die before the end? Also, they apparantly thought that the slave fighting an unstoppable cyborg wasn't enough, so they threw in dinosaurs which explode when they are wounded so it is possible for the slave to beat them. And it goes without saying that after this I have seen enough empty boxes to last a lifetime. Some favorite MST3k comments: Van Dammit! Now there is only one level of driving. If you want me to go FASTER, say so. These are things; they exist. He's a cuteasaurus! My shirt was knocked off! It was knocked off, I swear!
Rating:
Summary: Idiocy.
Review: Have you ever seen this movie on television before? I saw it on Mystery Science Theater 3000, and I pray that this where it shall only be seen. Why do people produce movies like this? Of course, there exist a few known answers to this question. One is money, another is the intentional stupidity on the part of the filmmakers, i.e. trying to make it ridiculous. But "Future War" doesn't seem to belong to these two branches. No audience will be satisfied by this, not even Action movie buffs, so the prospect of monetary gain can be thrown out the window. It can not be intentionally stupid either, for those kinds of movies are absurd from the first scene to the last, and this movie seems to have scant attempts at human drama. So what is the excuse? An Accident? Good intentions that went horribly wrong? A bad experiment in trying to connect [bad] science fiction with other genres like Action and Drama? I suppose the best answer is that there isn't one. If you don't take my word for it, just listen to the brilliant story, such as it is: A man aptly named Runaway (Daniel Bernhardt), who looks, speaks, fights, and growls like actor Jean-Claude Van Damme, escapes from his desolate "future", accidentally finding solace in our modern era. He is befriended by a former-prostitute-turned-nun who helps the poser learn English. She then listens to Runaway's bizarre tales, primarily concerning his "futuristic origin". Naturally, she does not believe Runaway at first, but it is rather difficult to dismiss his claims after being chased by what can only be described as Dinosaurs with exploding metal collars. The duo join forces with what can only be described as the local gang and set out to demolish the Saurians once and for all. This proves to be quite simple, until Cyborg Master (Robert Z'Dar from "Return to Frogtown") arrives to show Runaway what pain truly feels like. Fighting ensues, it thankfully ends, and one is left confused and speechless. Like another film I reviewed entitled "Neon Maniacs", which is easily on the 10 Worst Films ever made, the driving question of "Future War" can strangely be summed up with one word: Why? Why did Runaway have to depart from his "future"? Was it really "the future"? If Runaway is from our "future", then why does he point to the sky when talking about his origin? Is Runaway trying to grunt the idea that he is from the "future" of another world? Why is this never fully expounded upon? Why does Daniel Bernhardt happen to be a blantant clone of Jean-Claude Van Damme? Why does Bernhardt speak like Van Damme? Also like Van Damme, why does Bernhardt make angry growls after every single punch and kick he bestows upon his enemy? Why is there a subplot involving a reformed prostitute-turned-nun? Why is there a single attempt at character development in a film that otherwise has none? Why is the acting so atrocious? Why does actor Robert Z'Dar always appear in horrible movies? Why are Dinosaurs pursuing Runaway? Once again, which "future" is Runaway from anyway? If Runaway is from Earth's "future", then why do Jurassic organisms follow him from it? If Runaway is from "elsewhere", are the Dinos supposed to be Space Saurians? Was Robert Z'Dar responsible for giving the cute Dinos those nasty exploding collars? Why didn't the T-Rex from Jurassic Park appear to show those Saurian puppets what a REAL Dinosaur looks like? Why does the local gang help Runaway combat the futuristic menace? Why not the horrid metal band GWAR instead? Would it make the movie any less incomprehensible? There is absolutely no meaning to this garbage. It simply goes nowhere. I am shocked and amazed that Van Damme hasn't sued Bernhardt for stealing his image on every level. Yet again, as described before, what audience would ever consciously make it to the end of this mess? The best choice is to leave this smoldering heap on the video shelf. It would be best not even to touch the box, as it may wear off on one's hands and cause 3rd degree burns. So, watch out for that Runaway! Daniel Bernhardt has lost his self-respect, and he's out to [get] yours! You have been warned. FINAL RATING: 0 (Zero) Stars out of 5
FINAL GRADE: F
*Dishonorable Mention: Worst Action Star Clone - Bernhardt*
Rating: 
Summary: So bad,it's good?? It's true!!
Review: I first saw this movie by way of MST3K and I couldn't believe how silly and funny it was-unintentionally so,of course.There are no top-notch actors in this,but plenty of bad effects though..No budget,bad acting,bad dialogue,zero effects-everything you want in a bad movie!! Recommended for lovers of bad movies...See the MST3K version first,if you can,then get this...
Rating:
Summary: Who would pay 50.99 for this piece of s*it
Review: I have a theory about this movie. Someone secretly got a hold of Jean Claude Van Damme's DNA, and decided to clone him. The result is our hero in this piece of dreck. A prostitute that becomes a nun, dinosaurs with exploding neck collars (to quote Tom Servo, "So that's how the dinosaurs became extinct.") and a feeling that this was filmed from a script written by Ed D. Wood Jr.
Rating:
Summary: Pure 100% USDA Craporama!
Review: I just saw it today on MST3K. That pretty much says it all. Made on a budget of about $36.52, this movie looks like a couple junior-college kids filmed it with their parent's 8mm camera. Kudos on the special effects used to create the dinosaurs (I'm guessing Play-Dough Fun Factory). With Mike Nelson, Crow & Tom Servo at the bottom of the screen, it's a masterpiece.
Rating:
Summary: Thank you, MST3K
Review: I saw this piece of drek on MST3K, and believe me, I wouldn't have been able to sit through it without Mike and the bots. A skinny Belgian idiot escapes from his futuristic cardboard spaceship and is hunted down by some plastic dinosaurs. Throw in an ex-hooker turned nun, a halfway house run by huge guys, and some cheap sets that look like they were borrowed from the local community playhouse and you have one the most awful movies ever to hit the made-for-video market. Did I mention that the movie does not take place in the future and it's not about a war?
|
