Kill Cruise

Rating:
Summary: A suspense thriller that lacks suspense
Review: Despite the fact that my initial interest in this DVD was the opportunity to see Patsy Kensit, I actually found Jurgen Prochnow and Elizabeth Hurley to be far more entertaining as (respectfully) the skipper of a private yacht and a passenger desperately trying to reach the Bahama's.
Although her role is pivotal to the plot, Kensit plays her part as a whiney, insecure sidekick to Hurley's. Her character really only seems to serve as a catalyst to engender a bond between Prochnow's skipper and Hurley's flamboyant passenger in addition to adding some sense of reason to a twist at the end that has me still scratching my head.
This movie was marketed as another trip into "Deep Calm" waters but in actual fact the expected confrontation that the movie seems to be inevitably steering towards never occurs, this probably greatly contributed to the lackluster performance of the movie but for me the picture took more interesting turns into examining some really warped human behavior and building distrust between the three people stuck on a small boat together for four weeks.
Prochnow plays a washed out sailor who, after a tragic event at sea, has not had the courage to leave port for months. Following an intoxicated meeting with two female entertainers (Kensit and Hurley) he subsequently finds out that he has agreed to take the two carefree women on a four week sail to the Bahama's.
What follows is a roller coaster of human emotion, suspense, sex (nudity from Hurley) and confusion. The movie however never seems to find its niche though and its twist is underwhelming and unsatisfying. So much more should have been delivered, especially with such an attractive cast, but the screen time and talent seems wasted.
Perhaps this is the reason this movie has been marketed under so many titles. Its original German title was `Der Skipper', but its also been named `The Storm.'

Rating:
Summary: Truly, totally worthless
Review: I bought this DVD because I mistakenly thought that the premise had some interesting mystery/suspense possibilities, that the attractive, well-recognized cast would deliver entertaining performances, and that, even if the plot and acting failed, there still might be enough to make the film one of those movies that is fun to watch because of how bad it is. To my immediate and increasing disappointment as the film droned on, none of this was true. Save yourself from this fate.

The plot is undeveloped, incoherent nonsense. The film opens with a loud, dark, confusing sequence at sea where the sailor is caught in a storm and a woman dies. There is never any serious attempt to explain or develop this story. Later, the now down-and-out sailor suddenly agrees to ferry two loudmouth, fringe bar singers and their bothersome dog on a 4-week trip to Barbados. During the trip, one of the singers takes an unreasoning dislike to the sailor, picks one childish fight after another with him, rummages through his possessions, and comes up with a theory that he killed the woman on the earlier voyage because of a love triangle of some sort. The sailor later explains away the theory to the other singer on board, who seems friendlier to him, and then the whole murder theory is just dropped as if were a mistake. After many tedious, labored, pointless scenes of the three on board quarreling with each other, facing several trumped-up seafaring adversities, and doing various routine chores like hosing dog poop off the deck, there is a last-minute, pyscho-type killing on board that comes out of nowhere and explains nothing. The film ends with a cryptic message on screen about the fate of the survivors that, again, gives no meaning to anything that has come before.

Is the film sexy? Funny? Fun? The superficial, loser characters could not be less interesting or attractive. The sailor is so grouchy, withdrawn, old, and broken-down, the hostile singer so exaggerated in her disagreeableness, the other singer so vapid and vacuous, the petty quarreling among the characters so constant and annoying, and the tone of the film so dark that there is not an ounce of chemistry or lasting good cheer among the characters. Not only is the characters' behavior a total drag, there is nothing erotic about the situations, scenery, or warddrobe, even an early, short, embarrassing, scene in a bar in which one singer supposedly strips but clearly does no such thing (the extent of the nudity in the film) and a split-second glimpse of a perfunctory, sleepy "love scene" that packs no punch whatsoever.

Sadly, some movies have absolutely nothing redeeming about them. This is one of them. The only thing to do when this happens is to come right out and say so. Reciting all the flaws but then giving them a pass for no reason at all, straining to conjure and contrive tidbits that are supposedly worth watching, or engaging in speculative, wishful thinking that edited scenes exist that, like magic, would somehow make sense of this mess, only compounds the waste of time and money from a film like this. What's on the screen makes perfectly clear beyond any doubt what a total waste this is.

Rating:
Summary: Fun, but only for a limited audience
Review: I tracked down a copy of this movie solely because of Jürgen Prochnow's presence in it. It's getting some wider distribution lately due to the fact that it's also one of Elizabeth Hurley's earliest movies.

This is a fun movie if you like Prochnow, Hurley, or sailing, because most of the movie is set on a beautiful 45-foot (approximate) ocean-going sailboat out in the middle of the Atlantic.

Also released under two other titles: Der Skipper (The Skipper) and The Storm. Filmed in English, but the looping is so bad in places that it looks dubbed.

Basic plot: Prochnow's best friend (and his wife's lover) drowns at sea during a storm while they two of them are out on a fishing trip. The wife blames Prochnow for her lover's death and leaves him. Prochnow spends the next six months in a drunken haze in Gibraltar, each day saying he's putting out to sea "tomorrow; what's the use in staying here?" Then he meets two young British women (Hurley and Patsy Kensit) who want to go to Barbados. He agrees to take them.

Neither woman knows anything about sailing and they refuse to learn, so Prochnow has to do all the work (fortunately, it's a boat that can reasonably be handled by one person). Kensit's character displays a great deal of neurotic-bordering-on-psychotic behavior, and both try, at different times, to seduce the Skipper. Alas, cabin fever also sets in, leading to more neurotic/psychotic behavior.

Well-acted by Prochnow (of course), but a bit uneven with Hurley and Kensit. Budget must have run out, because the final scene comes out of nowhere and makes very little sense.

Rating:
Summary: Truly, totally worthless
Review: Jurgen Prochnow, best known for playing the captain of a German submarine in the classic DAS BOAT, once more demonstrates his prowess in fulfilling the role of a sailor. This time, however, he portrays a washed-up sailor, and the dangers that lurk are far more insidious than the depth charges hurled at him in DAS BOAT.

This time around, he is an average-Joe who is hired by two gorgeous women to give them a ride on his schooner. It's quite a long ride - about a month or more. The 2 women are played by Elizabeth Hurley & Patsy Kensit.

So, you say, sounds like every man's fantasy, right? To be out to sea with two lovely women all to himself - seems like a pretty good deal. Only one catch: both of them turn out to be borderline crazy.

Ultimately, there is but one reason to see this movie, and that's to see Kensit & Hurley sport an assortment of bikinis, halter tops, evening gowns & other sexy summmer clothes. If you're disinterested in these things, you'll likely be disinterested in watching this film. [The storyline isn't very good, nor is it particularly intriguing]

The film would have been better had it been saturated with nudity, but sadly it's not. It appeared a few times that it was going in that direction, but the movie always seemed to pull back from the threshold at the last moment.

Hence, if the fantasy of 2 women on a boat without land in sight is enough to keep your attention for a few hours, this one might be worth a look. If not, you're better of staying on shore.

Rating:
Summary: A long time on open water
Review: Jurgen Prochnow, best known for playing the captain of a German submarine in the classic DAS BOAT, once more demonstrates his prowess in fulfilling the role of a sailor. This time, however, he portrays a washed-up sailor, and the dangers that lurk are far more insidious than the depth charges hurled at him in DAS BOAT.

This time around, he is an average-Joe who is hired by two gorgeous women to give them a ride on his schooner. It's quite a long ride - about a month or more. The 2 women are played by Elizabeth Hurley & Patsy Kensit.

So, you say, sounds like every man's fantasy, right? To be out to sea with two lovely women all to himself - seems like a pretty good deal. Only one catch: both of them turn out to be borderline crazy.

Ultimately, there is but one reason to see this movie, and that's to see Kensit & Hurley sport an assortment of bikinis, halter tops, evening gowns & other sexy summmer clothes. If you're disinterested in these things, you'll likely be disinterested in watching this film. [The storyline isn't very good, nor is it particularly intriguing]

The film would have been better had it been saturated with nudity, but sadly it's not. It appeared a few times that it was going in that direction, but the movie always seemed to pull back from the threshold at the last moment.

Hence, if the fantasy of 2 women on a boat without land in sight is enough to keep your attention for a few hours, this one might be worth a look. If not, you're better of staying on shore.

Rating:
Summary: Yeah, you might enjoy it
Review: Kill Cruise is a Dead Calm type thriller, the drama and suspense happening on board a yacht sailing from Gibraltar to Barbados. Jurgen Prochnow plays a washed out sailor. His best friend died at sea under suspicious circumstances and his wife left him soon after. He spends his days in the bars on Gibraltar, muttering his intention to sail away but never doing so. Elizabeth Hurley and Patsy Kensit play two English trollops idling their days away on the island till they decide to go to Barbados. Prochnow is reluctant to be recruited for this trip till provoked to prove he can still sail.
The strength of this movie lies in the very realistic irritations played out among three people in close quarters who don't quite trust each other. Patsy Kensit is the painfully self-centered one, vying for the skipper's attention and becoming increasingly jealous and vindictive when he favors Hurley's character. Hurley is submissive and vacuous. There seems to be some lesbian tension between the two girls that further complicates matters. Kensit's snipes at the skipper and paranoid discussions with Hurley escalate into life-threatening behavior. Just when we think things have settled down again there is an inexplicable horrific act.
Prochnow and Kensit are the better actors here, and the young Liz Hurley seems to be around as window dressing. I was still surprised that she was the one who went naked, however, in several love scenes with Prochnow. Both of the girls are very pretty, even if their characters are grating. The main problem of this movie is the "twist" at the end for which there was no motive.
There seem to be a hundred different editions of this movie out there, all released by different distributors. Either the studio sold the rights again and again to make a quick buck, or there's some bootlegging going on.

Rating:
Summary: Hula Hoo, Hula Hoo
Review: Okay, I won't kid you that this is a classic by any means, but it is one of a kind. Watch it only if you are a strict Liz Hurley Patsy Kensit fan, or a fan of watching otherwise good German actor Jurgen prochnow desperately trying to look convincing playing a German having fun.
Two English trollops convince sea captain Prochnow to take them on his boat to the West Indies, after a scene in a dance hall where they sing a song. It should be noted that one of the other customers in the bar bears a suspiciously striking resemblance to ex president Bill Clinton, so I guess it's that sort of bar.
Anyway, on board everyone goes stir crazy, there's twosome's, threesome's and onesome's (I assume that's what Captain prochnow is alluding to when he says that he is off to reset the sail).
There's sharks, Patsy covered in suntan oil, crossbows, needles and all sorts of intrigue, but for me the justify your existence as a filmaker scene is the lingering shot of the dog doing a big job on deck.The most painful scene is watching Jurgen pretending to be a party animal by dancing a little jig and singing "hula hoo,hula hoo".

There's a dopey surprise ending that doesn't make sense, but by then you really just want the film to end so you can rewind back to the scenes of Pats rubbing that suntan oil in.
Look, borrow this with a few mates who are into ironic viewing of dismal movies, otherwise give it a wide "berth".

Rating:
Summary: Very slow, but strangely fascinating.
Review: This one doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but it's still somewhat fun. Hurley and Kensit, on a larth, go off on a boat with drunken sailor Prochnow. Prochnow has a sort of shady past so there is a little bit of tension as sexual tension begins to develop between he and Hurley. Kensit seems jealous, although whether it's for Prochnow or Hurley we're never really sure.

I don't mind not knowing what's going on, but I wish the filmmakers did. Twists seem to come out of nowhere with no rhyme or reason. At first, both women seem to view the skipper as a lesser being, a plaything for their amusement. Then Kensit acts like a spoiled brat for no adequately explained reason. The final twist comes out of left field. Sure, I was surprised, but if a big squid would have popped up in the last scene and ate the ship I would be surprised too. It doesn't mean it's a good ending. The mysterious coda is the only reason to recommend this other than T & A. Days later I found myself wondering exactly what did happen. I guess they deserve points for that.

The DVD is pretty rare and cheap (in presentation). If you like Dead Calm, but are sick of watching it, get this. You might be pleasantly surprised.

Rating:
Summary: Pass the Dramamine.
Review: Watching this, you just KNOW that important bits were edited out to protect the current reputation of Ms. Hurley. The ending just comes out of left field - adding to the impression that something was taken out. There are hints of a more than sisterly relationship between the two female leads but not enough to shore up the finale. The only saving grace is the price is right!

Rating:
Summary: Hypnotically bad
Review: Yes, I know this is a bad movie but for some reason it's got me hooked and I've watched it twice already. This may be because I'm trying to make sense of it, the plot really doesn't hang together even on long-distance inspection, but this is the closest Jurgen Prochnow has got to a boat since Das Boot and that alone gives it three stars in my book. Liz Hurley's accent wavers around from Essex girl to Sloan Ranger but she makes the most of the part, and Patsy Kensit does childish tantrums very well. It's a pity that's all she had to do because even done well they can get boring. Watching Prochnow handle the boat, and briefly Liz Hurley, is great fun but the twist at the end left me open-mouthed even the second time. I actually thought it must have been based on something that happened when the explanatory final paragraph came up, but now I'm back in the land of the sane I've got a feeling that isn't the case. Great fun though.